The Morning Wood Is Dressing Like a Skank for Halloween

Lul.

Happy Halloween, you pagan revelers!

Before you go off trading sexual favors for Fun Size™ high fructose corn syrup treats please do bring yourself up to speed on the pressing questions of the day, like whether or not to wear underwear with your naughty librarian outfit. Oh and also current events.

Politicks!
As Magic Sam chronicled yester-day, Willard, Lord High Mittens de Romneyshire is having a rough go of it in Ohio, a state he needs to win to have a realistic shot at sending Bammers Hussein back to Kenya where he belongs. This morning, Politico weighs in on Romney and his ever-shrinking window of opportunity. FiveThirtyEight reports that while Hurricane Sandy is probably not going to swing any state towards a different presidential candidate, voter turnout in the northeastern blue states is likely to be impacted. This raises the not-insignificant probability that Barry O’Bummer could win the Electoral College and lose the national popular vote.  [Read more…]

In Mitt Romney’s America…

Scene: Far Rockaways, Queens, New York City, NY,  just after the gale force winds of Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Cyclone Sandy have moved through, destroying property, flooding streets, and sending trees into houses and cars. The damage is catastrophic.

But thanks to President W. Mitt Romney’s forward-thinking ideas and ideals, the Federal Emergency Response has been outsourced to the private sector and help is just a phone call away.

Jim, his home destroyed by Sandy, his car still smoldering in his driveway, dials a pay phone for Bain International Terror Call Hotline [B.I.T.C.H.]

Automated B.I.T.C.H. operator: Thank you for calling Bain International Terror Call Hotline. Your call is important to us. Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: What? No, I’m not doing that.

Operator: Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: (pressing buttons) What the fuck? No.

Operator: I didn’t get that. If you’d like to enter your credit card number, press one. For an operator, press two. To end this call, press star.

Jim (presses two): TWO. Jesus.

Operator: One moment please.

Phone hold music plays. The selection:

Jim: What. The. Fuck.

Operator: Are you still there? To enter your credit card number and receive help from the fabulous private sector, press one. Don’t have a credit card? Press two to ask your parents for financial assistance.

Jim: Holy shit, are you serious?

Operator: To thank Glorious Job Creator W. Mitt Romney for saving you in this storm, press three. For a visit from Chuck Norris to save you from whatever problems you face, press four. To pray, press five. To leave a message detailing how to offset the cost of your rescue, press six. For a great Non-Bake Cookie Recipe from Egg Romney, press seven.

Jim: I hate everything.

/presses one
//enters credit card number
///enters expiration date
////enters three digit code on the back of the card
/////waits
//////waits
///////waits

Operator: We’re sorry, but your credit card cannot be processed at this time. Please try again later. Goodbye.

The Morning Wood: It Begins

Oh my goodness, you guys, we’re one week away from election day in Amercia and things are really starting to heat up. Not just the talking points from both sides, or both sides defending their records. And I’m not just talking here about Lord High Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romney flat-out lying to the good people of Ohio about Chrysler/Jeep’s plan to move factories overseas… and then doubling down on that lie… and then repeating that lie in a campaign commercial.

All of those things happened too. To the point where even Chrysler made a statement to the newspapers about it. To the block quote!

“Despite clear and accurate reporting, the take has given birth to a number of stories making readers believe that Chrysler plans to shift all Jeep production to China from North America and therefore idle assembly lines and US workforce,” Chrysler spokesman Gualberto Ranieri wrote on the automaker’s website. “It is a leap that would be difficult even for professional circus acrobats.”

Translation: Mitt Romney is kind of a dick, and we swear to god if our employees start bothering HR with this shit, we will personally come down there, take off our pants, and kick someone in the balls. [Read more…]

Redskins Rewind: Bob Griffin’s Bad Day at the Office

One of the side benefits of having RGThreesus is that the Skins’ games are being picked up on a larger share of the nation’s TeeVee networks than ever before. Sports bars are fun and all but can get tiresome, and I’m definitely too broke to justify getting DirecTV® solely to watch mah hometown team on NFL Sunday Ticket™. So it was nice to be able to watch the game at my gym and enhance mah girly figure rather than detract from it.

Or, it could have been nice. As it happened there was very little to be pleased about on Sunday, as them SKEINS were exposed as a poorly coached mediocrity of a football team. Shorn of virtually every skill player on the team except Bob Griffin, the Redskins had no answer to a Pittsburgh Steelers team that is now 15-1 in its last 16 home games against NFC opposition.
[Read more…]

The Morning Wood is a Dumb Jock

Um, yes actually.

OH HEY, it’s you again.

And it’s Monday.

Again.

Le sigh.

Let’s get this over with.

Politix!
Chill out, libtards. No matter what the national land-line polls might suggest, His Lord High Hair Gel Mitt Romney has a small and diminishing chance of Giving Crypto-racist Americans Their Country Back, because of swing state polling that remains doggedly in the favor of Bammerz Hussein, the Kenyan Usurper.  [Read more…]

Week 8 Warpath: No Love for Roethlisberger

HARF HARF BEN LIKE TOUCH LADIES WIF MAH GREY PENIS

In a few hours the sons of Washington will hop on Interstate 270, then to I-70, where they’ll travel the lovely fall countryside and then merge onto on I-76 for a  brief journey to their final destination.

Are they just taking a weird circuit around the northern suburbs of Denver, you ask?

Ahahaha, no.

Because the ‘Merican road-numbering system is schizophrenic, this is instead how you get from Warshington, DeeCee to scenic Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Make sense? Of course it don’t. Dime-bonics!

[Read more…]

The Weekly Pick Machine Hits The Road

As I type this, I’m watching the high desert landscape sweep by outside my window, the sagebrush covered “hills” (which you can only call them if you have no imagination whatsoever) somewhere between Albuquerque and Juarez, Mexico. In fact, just moments ago we passed the blacked-out windows of the “Juarez Transport,” featuring a driver with the best fucking beard I’ve ever seen outside of my Aunt Lulu’s house.

What I didn’t expect was to have a fleeting feeling of FREEDOM wash over me, that American ideal which can be so easily snatched away from those who do not defend it mightily (or those who do something really really bad with some really really bad people and end up in Juarez — a really really bad place).

There are those in this world who are not able to bet on football, likely because they’ve had their knees broken by their bookies and have been left in a ditch somewhere in the high desert, just awaiting the vultures and drug cartels to do what they do.

But we are not they. Lo, we must prepare for the weekend’s feast of football so we may win ALL THE MUNNEEZ, because when it comes to us and the bookies and cartels? Magic Sam is in charge. Magic Sam does the fuckin’.

Let’s pick some fuckin’ games and win some fuckin’ money. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more…]

And Then on Friday, The Morning Wood LOLed at Tim Tebow

Oh, praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) for it is Friday, our weekly day of coasting at work and getting schlitzed on moonshine. And not necessarily in that order.

The search term of the week is “Romney will abolish the Securities & Exchange Commission”. You heard it here first, folks.

To the links, you silly fucks! [Read more…]

USA America To Host the 2016 Copa América

In 2012, this is what America looks like.

In a move that is sure to make certain types of people nervous, there are plans afoot to have untold thousands of aboriginal Americans flood into the United States in the summer of 2016.

Is this a sinister plot to boost the the noted unAmerican Barack Husayn Ubamma’s chances for a historic third election? Probably.

Howevah, it’s also this nascent century’s most exciting sporting development for our fair continent, which we like to pretend includes only los Estados Unidos and their backyard (Canada) except when we need to subvert indigenous democratic movements, for freedom.

Many details still need ironing out, but there is too much filthy lucre to be made for anything to stand in the way of yesterday’s exciting, if somewhat premature, announcement: In July of 2016 the Copa América (the quadrennial regional soccer tournament for the South American nations) will be hosted in the USA. 
[Read more…]

The Morning Wood Calls a Bluff

Remember yesterday? Nah, me either. But it was a big day, yesterday. Lots of things happening. We reported on the Romney/Ryan campaign stop at Red Rocks on a picture perfect, warm Colorado night in October, and we told you about Donald Trump’s “bombshell” that wasn’t a bombshell at all, but was really more of a warm fart in a cold church.

To each his own, I guess.

Well, we were very impressed with Sir Mittens’ ability to get Kid Rock to play “music” for the old people in attendance, and extremely impressed he managed to get 12,000 people off the couch and up the hills to Red Rocks for a political rally! Obviously, the tide has turned and we will see glorious return to American superiority under a President Romney starting early in the morning on November 7th, because as the saying goes, “as big crowds at Red Rocks go, so goes the nation.” Or something like that.
[Read more…]

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