A Modest Proposal to Safeguard the American Public, Brought to You by General Dynamics®

Dear Washington, D.C. Area MetroRail Commuters,

In light of the fact that ten thousand Americans are killed annually by guns, and moved to action by the appalling violence recently perpetrated against the people of Aurora, Colorado, the Board of Directors of General Dynamics Land Systems®, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the General Dynamics Corporation, has decided to engage Congress in a grassroots effort to safeguard the American People from further bloodshed.

To have an informed discussion regarding the safety of average Americans on our streets, we all need to acknowledge the following facts, some of which may be unpleasant: [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Uncomfortable Questions

Throwing invisible money into the air, then wavin’ round cause he just ain’t care.

We’ve discussed multi-billionaire (and likely sex weirdo) Sheldon Adelson before in this here digest of dick jokes and tomfoolery, and we’ve even openly questioned just why folks thought the rich could possibly be spending all that political money to benefit those of us who are not multi-billionaires. These are questions that need to be asked, and since they won’t be asked by the Librul Media Machine, that responsibility falls to us. Again.

You’re welcome, America.

But now, the candidate who has been bought and paid for by Mr. Adelson — a Mexican Space Lizard from the planet Kolob named W. Mittens Romney — is displaying the signs that his foreign policy apparently now consists of pissing off our allies (his visit to London last week was well-chronicled by The Bunk) and engaging in saber-rattling with our possible future oil industry enemies. It’s like an episode of the new Dallas come to life. SPOILER: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is John Ross, and Ali Khamenei is JR Ewing’s eyebrows.

The only thing worse than what he said in London is what he said in Jerusalem. Seriously, I say this to The Bunk every single day, but HOW IN THE FUCK CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY JUSTIFY VOTING FOR THIS ASSHOLE? HOW??? Christ on a cracker, it just doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

I realize that his path to election looks weak and fraught with danger. I realize that he’s got very little chance of getting elected running on the famous, “well I’m not the black guy, is why” campaign promise. But I’m still absolutely terrified of this man.

Although, it should be noted, that once elected he would probably go back on every promise he made during the campaign. Thass jus’ how he roll, yo. Mittens ain’t care.

To the Linkmobile! [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: #RomneyShambles Edition

Documented horse fondler W. Mittens Romney went to London-towne yesterday, his first port of call on a magical journey that will take him to Poland and Israel on a mission to show that he is a Very Serious Person and worthy of directing ‘Merica’s foreign policy upon his deposition of the noted tyrant Barak Husayn Ubamma.

London, piece of cake right? “Special Relationship” and all of that. It’s an easy place to get his feet wet on diplomacy and foreign policy, because Mother Country. Mittenz can iron out any wrinkles in his schtick in Merrie Olde Ynglande before going to Israel, where there are actual policy challenges that might require his Commander-in-Chiefly attentions.

Let me be clear, clearer even than the Kenyan/Hawaiian/Indonesian usurper likes to be: For Mitt Romney, England should be a “home game”.  His Lord High Hairgel’s ancestry has been traced back to Preston, one of the incubators of the Industrial Revolution in the northwest of England near Manchester and Liverpool. There is even a two-block long Romney Street in the City of Westminster, the ancient core of London, that presumably was once a plague-ridden open sewer of prostitution and silly walks. How appropriate.

When Bammers Hussein and his fetching Nubian consort Michelle Antoinette first paid a presidential visit to London, the bureaucrat in the State Department responsible for acquiring little gifts to give to Her Majesty the Queen went and fucked it all up by forgetting that Amerikan DVDees don’t work on the superior PAL format used in British teevees and that an American iPod won’t charge in a UK electrical outlet without a clunky, decidedly un-magesterial transformer.

What I’m getting at here is that Barry set the bar pretty low. The Queen’s unprecedented affection for the graceful, beautiful, intelligent, and talented Michelle saved the day, barely. There was no way that Mitt Romney could do worse…

“No!”, you say. “Don’t lead me on like this. Not even R-Money could fuck this up, right?” [Read more…]

DDP Classic: Broncos Fans Get Rare Unity Opportunity

[Note: Denver Broncos training camp opens today at Dove Valley, and it’s perhaps the most anticipated camp opening since John Elway came back to go for his second straight Super Bowl championship. As such, we’re re-running a Classic DDP article about the arrival of Peyton Manning in Denver… and the hope that he can repair the breaches left by Jay Cutler, Josh McDaniels, Kyle Orton and Tim Tebow. Enjoy.]

It’s been stressful as hell to be a Bronco fan the last seven years or so. It’s rare that a place in flyover country makes national news on the regular with quarterback maneuvers and play, but Denver’s had lots of national attention for all the wrong reasons for, well, as far back as I can really remember.

Sure, everyone remembers McCutlergate, but it goes back farther than that. [Read more…]

Legacy: Part Three of Our Look At Guns, Mental Illness and Colorado

[Note: Hello, if you haven’t done so already, read parts one and two of this three-part entry. Thanks. -Ed.]

I can recall two concrete actions that resulted from Aaron Snyder’s fatally thwarted attempt at a one-man coup d’état at the State Capitol in Denver.

Firstly, the Governor’s security detail was made larger and more visible. I am almost certain that Governor Ritter did not welcome this, but sometimes even elected officials can’t really say no to their deputies. Most of the time, elected executives like mayors and governors are out in their jurisdictions, meeting with stakeholders, giving speeches, cutting ribbons, all of that good stuff. However, at the time that Aaron Snyder entered the reception area of the Governor’s Office, the Governor was indeed actually in his office, interviewing candidates for judicial appointments. Snyder was not privy to the Governor’s schedule; that the target of Snyder’s psychotic ambition was actually in the building, or even in the Front Range of Colorado, was pure chance.

Governor Ritter’s detail was still a small and low-key operation compared to some of the entourages I’ve seen, such as then-Gov. Tim Kaine of Virginia, who delivered the keynote address of a National Governors Association conference on transportation issues that I attended in scenic Washington, DeeCee in the following June. Three or four large, intimidating men in black suits with earpieces, the whole stereotypical get-up. My cell phone went off in the middle of his speech, blaring the opening guitar solo of AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” for the enjoyment of nobody as I fumbled like an idiot to silence it. I’ll never forget the glaring looks I got from his security detail. Governor Kaine, like a pro, didn’t need to pause or even break his verbal stride; I on the other hand wanted to disappear.

Secondly, the ancient, heavy, unguarded doors at all four ends of the building were replaced with more stately, modern, and secure entrances, and public access was restricted to two entrances, and later one, with metal detectors. You read that correctly. As recently as 2007 you could just stroll right into the State Capitol, even when the state legislature was in session, and not encounter a security checkpoint or metal detector.  The elected officials took a great deal of pride in the fact that the people’s house was so open to the people. It was an admirable notion, but quaint.

Given how disturbed people seem naturally attracted to government issues and elected officials, I was only surprised that it took until 2007 for a violent incident to shut down that particular symbol of Colorado’s admirably open state government. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood – Appetite at 25

There aren’t all that many music albums that have come out and completely changed the way I look at music. Metallica’s …And Justice for All, U2’s Under a Blood Red Sky.

And the debut album from a Los Angeles-based rock band: 1987’s Appetite for Destruction by Guns N’ Roses. Which turns 25 this month. Which makes me feel extraordinarily old.

Of course, we all know the story from there. Axl Rose, the mercurial lead singer of GNR, became too big for his white-leather britches after a couple years of success, when his insanity was given a checkbook and a mandate to be as loony as possible. When the frontman melts down, it’s only a matter of time.

Not that there wasn’t good stuff to come for GNR after Appetite; the “November Rain” video still gives me chills, and I love hearing Axl’s whiny “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” when it comes on the radio.

But all in all, GNR failed to reach the heights — mostly unexpected — they’d achieved with Appetite. It changed a lot of teenage boys’ lives. Drew Magary has an excellent article compiling thoughts and memories on the album from celebrities and readers alike. Enjoy.

On to the Links: [Read more…]

Aftermath: Part Two of Our Look At Guns, Mental Illness and Colorado

Another casualty in the American Mental Health Epidemic

[Note: Hi, if you stumbled upon this post and haven’t read Part One, best to start there. Thx, the Editors]

It was only our fellow analyst, Chadsworth, thank god.

I told him to close the fucking door and lock it and hadn’t he heard the gunshots and where was everybody?

They’d heard loud noises downstairs but it was muffled to an extent that it wasn’t clear what it was and nobody was unduly bothered by it. The training had ended early and the others would be up shortly.

“OH GOD THEY’RE ALL SITTING DUCKS FOR THE KILLER SILENTLY STALKING THE FIRST FLOOR!!”, I said. Or something like that, but less comprehensible, probably.

At that point Chadsworth may or may not have had growing concerns about my mental health in addition to his own reaction to rumors of a shooter that were as yet unsubstantiated.

However, the old boy had somehow failed to notice the lifeless body of a man not twenty feet from that door, in front of the entrance to the makeshift Governor’s Office. The man was dressed in a tuxedo and lying on his back, his head partially submerged in a growing pool of warm blood.  [Read more…]

Being Inside: Part One of Our Look At Guns, Mental Illness and Colorado

I don’t remember much about Monday, July 16, 2007 before about 2:25 in the afternoon. I was at my desk in one of the offices on the first floor of Colorado’s venerated State Capitol, a late 19th century wonder of cast iron, gold, and ornate woodwork. People seem to be affected most by the delicate layers of gold leaf that adorn the dome, but in your correspondent’s estimation the real pièce de résistance is the marble at the base of the Corinthian columns that support the walkways of the upper floors. They employ the entire known supply of Colorado Rose Onyx, a rare marble from Beulah, southwest of Pueblo.

The interior of the Capitol is cavernous, owing to the interior halls of the building being open up to the very roof of the structure. It’s a memorable public space, especially to anyone who might find his or her self on the third floor with a sudden-onset case of vertigo. Interior architecture as metaphors of public transparency and the smallness of one’s own self and interests, subordinated to the awesome scale and grandeur of the people and their elected representatives.

That’s the effect it had on me anyway, a political newbie and very small cog in the machine of the new Governor’s administration. The people who craft a living from affecting the course of public policy are by now probably numb to the whole thing, taking it for granted the way that I scarcely even now notice the majestic continental divide that unfolds in the views to the west. 
[Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Rise

“Why do we fall?”

Took in a viewing of The Dark Knight Rises yesterday with fellow dick joke enthusiast The Bunk, this after spending some time on Friday night watching Batman Begins and Saturday with The Dark Knight. And I’m not going to claim some grand and profound revelation based on the movies (though it was impossible not to think of the shootings) or say that I see the world more clearly now; there weren’t any, and I certainly don’t.

But I am sure that, in a summer where Colorado dominated the news for all the worst reasons, the people of my state will stand up again. We always do. This senseless murder was done by the worst of us, and what the intention was isn’t of particular importance. What is important is that we continue to come together as a community and help. Bonfils Blood Center was overwhelmed by people trying to make donations, and had to turn people away with nothing more than an appointment for later. Last night, a candlelight vigil was held across the street from the theater.

People coming together to heal people. America. Colorado.

“So we can learn how to get back up.” [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Tragedy


There are articles sometimes that you don’t want to write. This morning brings one of those.

Between the migraine I woke up with and the shooting at a movie theater last night, I have zero desire to write anything snarky or mean spirited or anything of the sort. It’s just not the time to do so.

Last night, in Aurora (an eastern suburb of Denver), a man kicked in the side door of a movie theater premiering The Dark Knight Rises, dressed in “a riot helmet, goggles, a bullet proof vest and a gas mask,” according to reports. He then tossed what was either a smoke bomb or a tear gas bomb, and opened fire on the crowded theater.

Remember, this was the premiere of one of the most anticipated films of all time. There were a lot of people in that theater, sitting prone, staring straight ahead, unable to defend themselves.

12 confirmed dead. 50 more wounded.

Obviously, the facts are going to come out in the coming days, and that’s a good thing. Police arrested the suspected shooter, then immediately went to check out his apartment when he said he had explosives there. He had several more guns in his car.

And predictably, the Interwebs immediately got into retard mode. On one forum I frequent, it took all of two posts for someone to bring up the shooter’s political affiliation. On Gawker, the most-popular discussion revolves around a guy wanting to make it clear that “Firearms didn’t kill anyone here. One ass-clown did.” And on Facebook, the world’s hub for everything fucking stupid, “I think everyone should have guns. Then none of this shit would happen. An armed society is a polite society.”

To take something so obscenely awful and turn it into a political football before the fucking bodies are cold is fucking despicable.

Good coverage on Gawker.com this morning, as well as 9News.com. Please don’t give the Denver Post and their sensationalist bullshit your clicks. Deadspin has the story of one of the victims, a local aspiring sportscaster whose last blog entry was an account of the Eaton Centre shooting in Toronto.

And apparently the suspect’s mother had a “gut instinct” that it was her son doing the shooting, and neighbors claim they heard an explosion when police robots entered the “booby-trapped” apartment.

I don’t know what I can add. As more stories come in, I’ll update below, I guess. I hope our readership and their families are all okay.

One thing we can all do: Head to the Bonfils Blood Center (they’ve got locations all over the state) and donate. Please.


Talk radio dipshit Neal Boortz wastes no time in politicizing the tragedy. Because he’s a fucking asshole. Fuck you, Neal Boortz.
UPDATE: He’s “apologized” sort of. Saying the President “just affects me that way” is akin to punching someone and then justifying doing so by saying, “well, his face was already messed up.” Neal Boortz: Still an asshole. Let him know via Twitter: @TalkMaster

One of the wounded shared pictures of his bullet wound. Warning: Includes an up-close photo of a bullet wound. The man is Chris Rapoza, and the woman holding the shirt is Perry-Elena Segura, known associates and co-conspirators of the DDP’s own The Bunk.

Jon Bowman of Channel 2 “News” is blaming the “new dark side” of Batman, because it’s not “Adam West” like when he was a kid. SMH. (h/t Flomberg)

It was only a matter of time before God became the talking point. Thanks a lot, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-etard).
UPDATE: The consistently excellent Slate has taken Gohmert to task over his assertion by using examples from what we like to call “the real world.”

How the news of the #TheaterShooting spread, via Poynter.

The suspect’s apartment was most certainly booby trapped, with what appears to be “quite sophisticated” explosives.

Not only has the suspect’s building been evacuated, but so have FIVE (5) other buildings in the vicinity, due to the booby trapped explosives.

Everyone, may I have your attention, please: John Stamos would like to extend his condolences.

ABC’s Brian Ross: Worst reporter ever? Or Worstestest est est est reporter ever?

The suspect, James Holmes, was a PhD student at the CU School of Medicine. He withdrew from the school last month.

“Bullets came through the walls.”


“Hey, shooters! Any weekend plans?” The tone-deaf NRA. Missing the point since forever.

Was the shooting last night somehow related to a 1985 Batman comic? Probably not.

The incredibly sad tale of Jessica Ghawi, the sportscaster discussed in this post who was shot and killed in the theater, gets sadder when you read her brother’s blog accounting of what happened. RIP, Jessica.

Local sports radio outfit 104.3 FM “The Fan” is reporting that Aurora police have not yet removed the bodies of the twelve slain moviegoers out of a suspicion that the shooter may have left incendiary devices in the theater. Hard to imagine how more news could make this more appalling than it already is.

If you’d like a sense of the chaos and confusion, here is the police scanner audio from the Aurora Police’s rapid mobilization and response to the shooting.

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