The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has a Hangover

My mother is so proud, you guys.

Oh hi! Did you people have a nice Veterans Day/Bastille Day/Kurt Vonnegut’s Birthday? You DID? Well, I think that’s just wonderful. I climbed into a bottle of whiskey, drank it, and went looking for more at a rap battle (yeah, I don’t know), then went to more bars just before closing. It was eventful.

I am hungover.

So, here. Read this. It’s about ESPN and how they’ve followed noted sniveling little shit Skip Bayless all the way to the bottom when it comes to embarrassing themselves about Tim Tebow. As always, Thank You, John Elway.

Also, too, read this as well. It’s all about the US America having a class war in the last election, and what that could mean going forward. It’s an excellent read.

I’m off to pound Advil and water. Zentrist will be along shortly to make you think about things.

The Morning Wood and The Simple Joy of Quiet Bye Weeks

I can’t stand the bye week idea in the NFL for a lot of reasons. The idea of bye weeks is to let teams have a weekend off during the season to recover some injured players, get a struggling team back on track, maybe fire a defensive coordinator when the real problem is your offense turning the ball over every week and your quarterback’s steadfast refusal to slide and save his smaller frame from injury.

So yes, Virginia, I get the point, but suffering through a weekend in which I know my team simply will not play is brutal, combined with the bye attrition that comes with my fantasy team (I’m going to lose by a thousand points this weekend, you guys, and it has everything to do with having 7 guys on a bye. That’s half my fucking team), and I’m not a happy boy for much of the weekend. I’d rather the league give two bye weeks — one for each half of the league — in the middle of the season. You’d avoid the random “team with a week 3 bye,” which is fucking stupid, and “team coming off the bye absolutely destroying a non-bye-having team because they had two weeks to prepare and are far fresher at key positions” issues.

Mostly, I’m just whining. About my fantasy team. Sorry about that.

Anyway, with the utter destruction in San Diego that the Broncos handed out to the Chargers on Monday night, creating more questions for a team already rife with them, this bye week is a lot sweeter than most have been. Oakland is in free-fall; they’re a bad team with a rookie head coach, low talent, and an insane fanbase. Kansas City has maybe the worst quarterback controversy in the history of ever, with Brady Quinn (ugh) and Matt Cassel (UGHHHHHHHH) battling it out for the top spot on another bad team where the fans are threatening an Arab Spring-type revolt. Yowza. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Not Waving the White Flag

Big weekend for sports, you guys. Lots going on and I had a great time, first watching my Grizzlies demolish the Golden Pandas of Northern Colorado on Saturday and then watching the first half of Broncos/Patriots before I had to go to a wedding. It was a special day.

But somehow, some way, after a game in which Peyton Manning threw for 350 yards, three touchdowns and no interceptions on more than 40 attempts, there are those who would call for the dreaded Tim Tebow. Proving once and for all that the internet is for nothing but fanbois and bedwetters, the threads sprung up almost immediately after Denver went to 2-3 on the season (playing maybe the toughest early-season schedule in the league), threads with names like “But… I thought Tebow was the problem” and “Sure glad we spent $98 million and got rid of that loser Tebow” and “I’m desperate for attention and John Elway is Dumb; the Tim Tebow is a martyr story.”

Far be it from me to make fun of the bedwetters, crying in their non-alcoholic beer and begging for a return to the three-and-out offense that was so effective that was mildly effective that helped us back into the playoffs going 0-3 in the last three games including a 7-3 loss AT HOME to the fucking Chiefs, but let’s get something clear right now.

If Tim Tebow was still the starter in Denver (and no, I can’t believe I’m having to write about this either), we wouldn’t be 2-3. We wouldn’t be 5-0, and would likely be closer to 1-4. With Tebow, we would have beaten the Raiders. Not in the fashion we did, where we repeatedly gave them swirlies in a dirty toilet and took their lunch money for four quarters, but probably in a mistake-addled three quarters followed by a fourth quarter where Tim plays TebowBall and suddenly pulls a touchdown out of his ass. Yee-fucking-haw.

To intone that we’re not better off with a better quarterback under center is just retarded.

Tebow fanbois, stop being retarded. That’s an order. [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Let’s All Laugh at the Red Sox

Rooting for the Boston Red Sox is a harmless and quintessentially American youthful dalliance, like cocaine and conservatism. It’s all so exciting and new but the lustre eventually fades and all that remains is the inescapable truth: You have better things to do with your time than to engage in such frivolity.

For a brief period wherein Messrs. Theo Epstein and Terry “Tito” Francona ran the front office and dugout, respectively, the FACKIN’ SAWX did a passable imitation of a competent ball club, winning two championships and issuing regular beatdowns to the hated Noo Yawk Yankees. But all of that is over; Epstein slinked off to Chicago, Francona has presumably taken up a quiet life of hitting on younger women, and the Sox have re-occupied their rightful and historically accurate place below the Baltimore Orioles in the American League East standings.

At 57 wins and 60 losses in their 162-game regular season schedule, the baseball Wes Welkers are 12.5 games behind the loathed Yankees and 6.5 games out of contention for a Wild Card playoff berth. Should they finish the season with a losing record, it will be their first since 1997.

Yes, dear readers, it would appear that the wheels are falling off. Not for the first time this season, internal strife is leaking out to the Boston media that loves nothing more than to participate actively in Fenway meltdowns. Former Sawx General Manager Dan Duquette is drinking their milkshake from his perch in scenic Baltimore, Maryland as the GM of the rejuvenated Orioles, and Beantown’s greatest baseball servant Johnny Pesky departed this world on Monday, leaving behind a 60-year career as a player, manager, and broadcaster.

Many of the devotees of Pedroiah Nation are concerned that the Red Sox ownership has spread itself too thin after taking on the challenge of reviving the legendary Liverpool Football Club, an under-performing member of the English Premier League Brought to You by Barclays® PLC. This may or may not be true, but why don’t you try to explain the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy to Tommy from Quincy in between his sets of bench-pressing your underage cousin, and let me know how that works out for you.

To the links, young Padawans! [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Public Fisticuffs

… let’s just move on.

Your humble correspondent, as he will occasionally do, posted some factual assertions about one Paul D. “Eat the Poor” Ryan immediately following his ascension as running mate to Mexican Space Lizard from the Planet Kolob, horse enthusiast and occasional taxpayer Willard, Mittens of Romney. In this screed, what was written were the exact policy platforms that he has laid out during his 14 years sucking the government teat while simultaneously despising government in the US House of Representatives. None of these assertions were false. That they didn’t look very good written down is a reflection of the policies, not a reflection of me posting them.

But this is our Fox News climate, where everything is up for debate, truths become lies, facts become arguable, and people get fucking mad, man. [Read more…]


My friends, draw near.

If you’re a football junkie like me, you can’t wait for Peyton Manning’s 16 snap (if that) debut tonight in Chicago. If you’re like me, you’ll watch four quarters, drink too much beer, and have to take a cab home from Vincent Casablancas’ house.

If you’re like me, and preseason football is the best you can get, you’ll gladly watch every minute. Hell, I spent last Saturday at Sports Authority Field watching a scrimmage — which, if I’m being honest, was mostly drills with a couple of honest-to-god plays run at the end — and I was one of 40,000 screaming people who attended.

Again, that was a scrimmage. Those 41k? They’re like me.

There are those who would have you believe that the Broncos screwed up by trading “biggest draw in the NFL” Tim Tebow to the Jets. Those people are morons, and they are named SportsBabe Brandi and they “write” for a publication called RBLSportsNet. If you want sourceless attribution and stolen content, facts that aren’t actually facts, or really poor writing style right out of the third grade, that’s your place. They’ll tell you interesting things, like that the “Denver media” says Pat Bowlen is “bleeding cash” (no source), that the Broncos “will be on the trading blocks at some point this season” (no source, and doesn’t really make sense), and that there was “big speculation” two years ago that the Broncos would be up for sale (no such speculation ever existed).

Meanwhile, in reality (and Denver): The Broncos just drew 41,000 people on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to see a bunch of guys in pads run drills. They chanted, they did the fucking wave, and they cheered for their team. The entire team.

SportsBabe Brandi and the “staff” at RBL is full of shit. Feel free to go there and laugh at them, or troll @RBLSports on Twitter. SO MUCH FUN.

I’ll be watching the real biggest draw in the league tonight (6pm Mountain on Channel 20, which is KUSA Channel 9’s “where we put our garbage and/or non-network programming” channel; outside the Denver area, NFL Network will run a replay of the game later, but I don’t know what time SADFASE) as the Peyton Manning-led Broncos (OMG CAN U GYZ BELEEV WE GOT TEH PEYTONZ??????????) take on the Chicago Cubs Bears at Soldier Field. New daddy and occasional cat Jay Cutler will be taking about 16 snaps for the Cubs Bears, so if you want to see some professional level pouting, you know where to turn.
[Read more…]

This Week in Trolling: The Scourge of Awful, Spammy, Stolen Online Content –

Back in the late 90s, a wide-eyed and hopeful teenager (me) watched this magical new thing — the Internet — grow up all around him. Suddenly, for the low cost of an AOL subscription (remember those 80,000 free hours discs that came in the mail?) and the use of a 56k modem, seemingly the entire world was at your fingertips. Information, sports scores, movie clips (that took forever to load), more pictures, Pam Anderson in (and out of) a bikini, email… it all spoke to a world much bigger outside my windows than I had previously experienced.

And the first time I ever used the Internet — in my Freshman year biology class at Manual High School in Denver — I was instantly hooked. I don’t remember the details of that day; some scientist somewhere had discovered something and we were discussing it with other teachers and students around the country in real time in something called a “chat room.” There was something so amazing about talking via computer to someone in another state, another country. Some people immediately took advantage of the anonymity of the internet and “became” the best version of themselves.

Around this same time, I had a paper due for my History class. And while my teacher and the subject matter were both favorites, I’d wasted entirely too much time on the internet (uh, learning things) and on the phone (talking to girls) [May not be a factual statement. -Ed.] and came up against the deadline for my paper on some ancient civilization. I turned to the internet, and I lifted, wholesale, entire passages of text, thinking I was the smartest guy in the world.

Of course, I was caught the very day I turned in my paper like the amateur I was. Apparently my teacher had Internet, too.

Sadly, the two worlds intersect now.   Sure, there’s the usual bombastic rantings of those who would have you believe they’re intellectual heavyweights or in flawless shape or could kick your ass if you happen to disagree with them about whether or not our Commander in Chief is a Muslim. But now they’re the same people who steal content from reputable sources and post it on their own sites or on content farms like Associated Content (now Yahoo! Contributor Network) or or eHow or

Steal content. Claim it as your own. Then make yourself sound like you know what the hell you’re doing.

[Read more…]

The Cockpunch: Rule of Law Edition

In just a few minutes, the American peasantry will learn of the fate of the Dreaded Robomneycare, alternatively known to attorneys and undersexed wonks as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.

The prognosticating experts of are in a bullish mood this morning, assigning a 73.5 percent probability that Johnny Roberts and the Supremes will rule that the individual mandate portion of O’Bummercare is odious to the memory of our nation’s Founding Slave Owners.

Libtardz all over the land are wringing their soft, effeminate hands over the possible death of the individual mandate at the, uh, hands of a delegitimized, nakedly political court. HOWEVAH, if this provision is struck down but mandatory coverage for pre-existing conditions is kept in place, the private health insurance industry will go belly up in a few short years. This is actually the best possible outcome if you want ‘Merica to join the rest of the civilized world and adopt a single-payer national health system but don’t mind cracking a few eggs (euphemism for allowing some sick poors to die) to get there.  [Read more…]

The Cockpunch: Cats Are Evil Edition

The Bunk is a man with two cats. I only mention this because one of his cats, the Douchebag Formally Known As Rocky, wakes him up every morning before dawn by meowing and — get this — biting his face. The Bunk continues to soldier on with this “house pet” in the hopes that one of two things will happen: either the cat will stop biting his fucking face to wake him up, or that Shitty Kitty will accidentally fall out of his second story apartment window, accidentally not land on his feet and accidentally smash his face.

Offers to move this process along have not received a response.

Sigh. Cats, amirite? On to the links: [Read more…]

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