Nocturnal Emissions on Climate Change

If you were born anytime after 1985, you have never experienced a month where global temperatures were lower than their long run average. If climate change is a myth invented by noted soshulists The U.S. Military and multinational insurance companies, the probability that we would experience almost 350 consecutive months of temperatures above average is somewhere south of the square root of fuckall.

The editors of this environmentally conscious e-magazine would like to point you to the Climate Denial Crock of the Week, a series of YouTube videos that do the Lord’s work debunking the silly things you might hear about climate change from apologists for the petrochemical, factory farming, and Christian Dominionist industries.

Hurricane Sandy was the largest hurricane ever measured in the North Atlantic as measured by diameter, low pressure, and basically any other metric you can think of. Could anthropomorphic climate change have anything to do with it, or was it just caused by solar flares/biased data/enviro-terrorist librul scientists?

Quoth the Morning Wood: “Gobble Gobble”

It’s here! It’s here! November is here!

And while you folks in the chattering/slave class may not be so excited, aristocrats like The Bunk and I simply love it. Skiing returns to most mountains in Colorado around Thanksgiving, college and pro football starts really heating up, and the Thanksgiving holiday gives us an excuse to gorge ourselves on food that isn’t from McDonald’s.

It is a special time.

Of course this year we’ve also got the erection election, so this particular November is a bit more compelling and interesting than most. [Read more…]

In Mitt Romney’s America…

Scene: Far Rockaways, Queens, New York City, NY,  just after the gale force winds of Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Cyclone Sandy have moved through, destroying property, flooding streets, and sending trees into houses and cars. The damage is catastrophic.

But thanks to President W. Mitt Romney’s forward-thinking ideas and ideals, the Federal Emergency Response has been outsourced to the private sector and help is just a phone call away.

Jim, his home destroyed by Sandy, his car still smoldering in his driveway, dials a pay phone for Bain International Terror Call Hotline [B.I.T.C.H.]

Automated B.I.T.C.H. operator: Thank you for calling Bain International Terror Call Hotline. Your call is important to us. Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: What? No, I’m not doing that.

Operator: Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: (pressing buttons) What the fuck? No.

Operator: I didn’t get that. If you’d like to enter your credit card number, press one. For an operator, press two. To end this call, press star.

Jim (presses two): TWO. Jesus.

Operator: One moment please.

Phone hold music plays. The selection:

Jim: What. The. Fuck.

Operator: Are you still there? To enter your credit card number and receive help from the fabulous private sector, press one. Don’t have a credit card? Press two to ask your parents for financial assistance.

Jim: Holy shit, are you serious?

Operator: To thank Glorious Job Creator W. Mitt Romney for saving you in this storm, press three. For a visit from Chuck Norris to save you from whatever problems you face, press four. To pray, press five. To leave a message detailing how to offset the cost of your rescue, press six. For a great Non-Bake Cookie Recipe from Egg Romney, press seven.

Jim: I hate everything.

/presses one
//enters credit card number
///enters expiration date
////enters three digit code on the back of the card
/////waits
//////waits
///////waits

Operator: We’re sorry, but your credit card cannot be processed at this time. Please try again later. Goodbye.

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