Friday Fun With Search Terms – 5 October 2012

Happy Friday, lesser deciles of the forty-seven percent!

If you’re going to plagiarize your school essays, you would be well advised not to get your material from a boutique penis joke emporium like The Daily Dick Punch. That is surely the academic equivalent of the Darwin Awards, you guys. Your professors know how to use Google, and the written voice we employ on this site is unusual, to put it mildly. Our sentences will not mesh with yours, and whereas you might risk a slap on the wrist for being too loose with your paraphrasing of Encyclopaedia Britannica, you will surely be expelled for polluting the learning environment with this filthy web site. [Read more…]

Everyone Knows You’re Horrible: NFL Replacement Refs Leave a Lot to be Desired

I’d love to be writing about the Denver Broncos this morning. About how their starters looked as good as I could have hoped for, about how the depth is… non-existent, and how if anyone gets hurt on this team, the Broncos will be left to wander though the desert with Moses and Tebow.

I’d love to talk about the team playing with an actual gameplan and looking great. I’d like to talk about Peyton Manning looking like the Peyton Manning of old, slinging the ball all over the yard and throwing receivers open en route to 10/12 passing for two touchdowns  and getting out of the game before the end of the first quarter. I’m itching to praize Jeebus for ERIC FACKIN’ DECKAH, the recipient of both of Peyton’s TD passes, but that might just be the ol’ Saigon Rose flaring up.

In any case, DECKAH is the new WELKAH for a new GENARRAYSHAN. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We could talk about the upcoming cuts for the Broncos, some of which aren’t going to be as tough as I initially thought since our backups look absolutely abysmal.

I’d love to talk about any of this. But I won’t. I can’t, because I have to get something off my chest first.

/removes sports bra

There, that’s better. Now, we’ve GOTTA talk about this replacement referee situation, you guys. [Read more…]

Morning Wood and Personhood

They’re back, you guys. And they’re totes bringing petitions for you to sign.

It seems the Personhood folks of Colorado, right wing nutjobs who care nothing for people already living who can’t afford anything, are back despite three defeats in three election cycles (or what’s commonly referred to as “a mandate” or “being soundly beaten like a fucking drum”) and wanting to force women into back alleys to get illegal abortions from Dr. Nick Riviera instead of having access to a clinic wherein they could get a safe, outpatient procedure.  Because FREEDUMB.

It’ll get on the ballot. We know that. It always manages to get on the ballot, even with the required 86k that it takes to get there. The Personhood folks say they’ve got 112,000 signatures, and of course there’s the matter of Republican Secretary of State Scott Gessler there to approve it on the ballot. Because of course he will.

(It should be noted that two Republican Representatives, Mike Coffman and Cory Gardner, have not yet voiced their support for the amendment as they both did in 2010. Threats are already coming from the Right To Life people, saying that if they backtracked, “they’d be shooting themselves in the foot.” Better than the eye, I suppose.)

But when the same measure failed in 2010 — 70% of the electorate was opposed to it — one has to wonder where the endgame lies for these people. They’ve been doing this same song and dance for ages now, it never goes over, nobody ever buys in, but they keep collecting signatures, keep running ballot measures, keep getting destroyed in the voting booth.

They’re like the Washington Generals. Common sense is the Harlem Globetrotters.

Look, I get it. If I was ever in the situation where my girl and I were considering an abortion, we’d have a very tough choice on our hands. But that’s the whole thing. It would be OUR decision. And that’s the way it should be, and it seems most people (to the tune of 70%, even in a socially conservative election cycle) agree.

I hate to be this cynical, but it makes you wonder if the Personhood folks put forth this farce every two years, raising crazy amounts of money in between, for their own good, not for the good of the “movement,” whatever that looks like. I don’t know that they are, I just know that’s what could be going on.

And that’s the best Fox News/Breitbart impression I can do. It’s an absolute killer at parties. [Read more…]

Fail To the Redskins, Episode Eleventy Billion

Everyone’s favorite National Felon League laughingstock, the Warshington Redskeeins, soared to new heights of craptitude this weekend by taking out three first mortgages and a second mortgage to play a $50 million game of roulette, betting the house on black (THASS RAYCESS!) quarterback Robert Griffin, a gifted athlete, noted gentleman, and the greatest scholar in the history of Baylor University, situated in scenic Waco, Texas.

It’s an extraordinarily risky maneuver, even for an organization known for splashing the cash. Whereas they once pissed away their salary cap space on failtards like Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta, Brandon Lloyd, and Fat Albert Haynesworth, the Skeeeeeins will now pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that Young Master Griffin can lead them to the promised land, i.e. out of the cellar.
[Read more…]

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