Morning Wood Replaced by Morning Wood

Well, that didn’t take long.

Three weeks, 48 regular season games, countless fuck-ups, tons of hand-wringing, justification for bad officiating from the darkest corners of Afrika the internet and sports talk radio, excuse-making by the league, a South Park parody (more on that in a moment), and only one game where the outcome was decided by the referees and not the players on the field.

Whew! It’s over! (For non-sports fans — WHY ARE YOU HERE? — click HERE.)

This should be a celebratory moment, but I’d like to take a few seconds and just expand on an idea I had the other day.

Fuck you, Roger Goodell. Fuck you right in the pants. Fuck you up to your gingery fucking hair. Fuck you sideways with a chainsaw. Fuck. You. [Read more…]

NFL Replacements and Religious Devotion to Ideology Collide

I got into such a big argument last night, you guys. I was just minding my own business at my home The Spot, watching the Green Bay/Seattle “clash” (I put it in quotations because JESUS CHRIST WHAT A TERRIBLE GAME) and eating a burger when a debate opened up.

In this corner, your hero, a dick joke enthusiast with a career life record of 121-122-3, representing the merits of having NFL officials who know the rules and can actually pontificate upon them (note: DOES NOT MEAN URINATE OR DEFICATE; don’t need an “Alanis Morrisette – Ironic” issue happening here), a believer in the idea that sometimes the people who know what they’re talking about actually do know what they’re talking about, the FOOL-ah from Mis-SOULA, MAGIC SAM!

And in the far corner, wearing dark jeans with white tennis shoes, an unfortunate mustache, and a face that looks alternately like the surface of the moon and your correspondent’s ballsack, neighbor to your correspondent, The Jolly Rodger Bill-Dodger, JIM, SOME GUY IN A BAR!

The Bunk has asked me on numerous occasions why I insist upon arguing with the mouth-breathers in online comments sections and message boards. The fact is, I enjoy it. I like revving them up, making them spin, pissing them off to a point where their points get lost in translation because they’re just so damn angry. But last night, it was something different.

You see, I learned something last night. And this something I learned put the entire NFL referee situation into perspective for me. Inadvertently, it put everything else in perspective too; from politics to team rooting interests. [Read more…]

What Can We Say About The Replacements?

Roger Goodell, to fans.

“Woof.”

I’m not one to blame the officials for bad calls costing my team a game. Not now, not ever, because rare is the case when it actually happens (and because I’m not an inbred Ravens fan). Even in examples like Ed Hochuli’s missed call that helped deliver a win in week two of the ’08 season for the Broncos over the Chargers, Jay Cutler still had to take the extra chance and exploit it to score points to win the game. It wasn’t handed to Denver, even though it sorta was.

But last night… hoo, last night. What can I say about the replacement refs that hasn’t already been said about Lindsay Lohan’s vagina? They are bombed out and depleted; drugged up and out of their depth; a shadow of the unit we’d come to complain about.

Let me go on the record: These replacement refs are terrible, need replacement themselves, and if Roger Goodell doesn’t see that, he should be removed from his office immediately. Full stop.

[Read more…]

Misleading Your Morning Wood

All three of our readers demand and deserve top-notch political reporting from The Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for Jesus®, we would cover it live when we wake up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.

Well, something happened, you guys. P90X enthusiast, champion of austerity and the guy who pushed grandma off a cliff, Paul Ryan, Wisconsinite and Vice Presidential Candidate, spoke.

He spoke of President Barack Obama’s failed leadership, the promises he made to keep a GM factory open in Michigan (which subsequently closed), of the blame the President put at the feet of the prior administration, and then admonished him for not supporting a deficit commission report.

Wow. I mean, he really took it to the President on a whole host of levels, and really bruised him up pretty good. [Read more…]

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