A Counterpoint to High-Minded Objections to Voting for Obama

Yesterday, I spent hours and hours trying to reconcile figures in a series of spreadsheets. It was every bit as fun as it sounds.

This is an annual exercise that wouldn’t happen in an organization with the right incentives towards investing in information technology or basically any other asset whose internal rate of return doesn’t exceed that of the political cycle. You’re welcome, taxpayers of Colorado!

Anyway, having finally figured out the culprit in a forensic accounting effort of the first order, I was mentally shattered and had no idea what to write about to entertain our loyal readers, WHOM ARE LEGION.*

*not intended to be a factual statement

Fortunately, Magic Sam had stumbled across an article in the Atlantic Monthly that was crying out for a response. Not a rebuttal necessarily, but a response.

A counterpoint, if you like. [Read more…]

An Appeal From The Editors

Good morning.

As we close in on the anniversary of this fine multimedia conglomerate’s creation, its editors are in a reflective mood. After almost eleven months of publishing original, award-winning content every day (excepting federal holidays and most weekends), two hundred seventy-seven posts, and over 47,000 page views, we have come to one of those Decision Points™ that the noted war criminal George W. Bush talked about in that book that nobody read. [Read more…]

The Friend Zone: How the Hairy Man-Baby Can Help Get You Laid

With apologies to Maruice Sendak. My cursor did this against my will.

My Dear Gentlemen,

I’m going to say something that might make your skin crawl. Ready? I had weird baby dreams last night. Considering how well you understand the crazy woman you’re either currently dating or your “bro’s” dating, this will probably be helpful, so “bear” with me. (Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.) You still there? Good.

Context: I’m a 30-something single chick. Baby dreams should be a dead give away for that one, but in case you’re thick, which we’ve already established, I thought I’d just spell it out for you. And if you’re a single straight dude brave enough to date a 30-something, that…”Why the fuck is this woman crazy?” question has certainly crossed your mind sometime this week. So I’ll tell you about this dream. Then we’ll analyze it, pull all it’s little hairs off and give you a rare glimpse into the not-so-crazy-30-brain. Then you’re going to use this information for the good of womankind. Cool?

Okay, dream goes like this: [Read more…]

NEWSFLASH: Getting Old Sucks

As you may have suspected since stumbling upon this web magazine, its editors and contributors suffer mightily for their “art”, if you are so charitable as to allow me to use that word in describing the verbal atrocities committed here every day in the name of dick jokes and SOSHULISM.

As Magic Sam mentioned earlier this week, your correspondent had an unfortunate mishap with an anatomically incorrect sex toy on the soccer field and broke his scapula, temporarily rendering him a vicodin-soaked wretch unable to formulate or type coherent sentences.

“But The Bunk, how is that any different than normal?”, I can hear you saying to yourself with a smug affectation not befitting someone of your caste… [Read more…]

Race Week Finale: Are YOU a Racist?

Well, ARE you?

If nothing else, we wanted people to look in the mirror at themselves this week and decide if their behavior and words are acceptable, or if maybe there are some things they could change to be more human, more accepting. At the end of the day, we’re all people. We all have ups and downs. All of us, regardless of color or creed, are lazy, jobless, or successful. All of us, regardless of race or religion, are smart or stupid or something in between. In every single case, it has nothing to do with a person’s racial makeup and everything to do with their desire to succeed, or the breaks they’ve gotten over time, or whose vagina they fell out of.

And that is why racism is fucking stupid. Racists are fucking stupid (especially when they claim not to be racists but they CLEARLY are).

Here at this esteemed news magazine, we’ve been known to go over some lines from time to time. We mock racists on the regular here because it’s a good thing to do. If you can shame an ignorant, racist bastard into shutting his trap and hurting fewer people with his racist garbage, you’ve done a service for the world. And we, the proprietors of DailyDickpunch.com, are nothing if not servants to our country.

So. Racism, bad. Got it? [Read more…]

The Brave New World of Hipster Racism

Thug Life.

Oh man. Last week, whilst your correspondents were preoccupied with the 2012 NFL draft, the bloggernets blew up over a very interesting, if flawed, post on Jezebel by the lovely Lindy West regarding the state of race relations in Amerika (hint: they’re not great).

By now, all three of our loyal readers should have gathered that the editorial board of this esteemed publication likes nothing more than RAYCESSM , but we were too busy agonizing over the annual sporting drama in which a few hundred (mainly black) athletes are systematically denied their right to make the most of their immense (but fleeting) talents by negotiating the terms of their employment on something approximating a level playing field.

So I guess that’s our iteration of the always awkward whiteboy declaration that “I’m not racist you guys, I totally have black facebook friends LOL!”. Except that while Magic Sam, Vincent Casablancas, and I are aware enough to recognize this violation of the spirit (and possibly the letter) of Our Failed Nation’s anti-trust laws and the disproportionate impact it has on young black men, we still watch the draft without fail, every year. [Read more…]

Schadenfreude: lol Boston

Boston’s Manager:

Boston’s mascot:

Boston’s record:


Me, when thinking about Boston’s record:

Suck it, Boston.

Counterpoint: Why Play the Anthem at All?

Your correspondent will concede Young Alan’s main point: The Fray’s interpretation of the Star Spangled Banner was terrible.

As many of our three readers know, “conservative” is not an accurate description of my views about much of anything. HOWEVAH, your correspondent makes exceptions for national symbols. So much in fact that he considers the use of flags and anthems at domestic sporting events to be beyond mere tackiness and towards something a bit darker, like desecration.
[Read more…]

Fare Thee Well, Timothy

The time to go has come.

It is expected that today, Denver’s flirtation with the heavens will come to an end, as Timothy Richard Tebow, the polarizing figure at the sharp point of the Denver Broncos’ resurgence in 2011, will likely be dealt out of town to make room for — depending on who you’re hearing from — Peyton Manning’s forehead or John Elway’s ego, or both.

The truth is much less interesting than that. [Read more…]

Manning Watch: This Is Getting Ridiculous

Breathless updates on Twitter.

Helicopters trailing an SUV down the highway.

Zapruder-like cell phone footage of a guy — could be Peyton — throwing the football.

Yep, the pursuit of Peyton Manning is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. He’s the biggest free agent name since free agency began in the early 90s, so it’s not altogether undeserved. But it has been a remarkable chase, filled with cloak-and-dagger reports that don’t tell the whole truth, the typical Chris Mortensen game of holding back information to block criticism for his sources (went nearly a week without reporting Manning had worked out for San Francisco; that’s not journalism or reporting. That’s being a PR shill. He’d be wise to learn the difference at some point), and lots of false information. [Read more…]

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