Euro 2012: Oh Please God Make It Stop

Same shit, different year.

Your correspondent has held steadfast to his goal of watching (more or less) every minute of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, at the expense of a balanced social life, physical fitness goals, and general mental health. Watching three hours of fútbol per day for the better part of a month is grueling, but becomes less so once England is customarily eliminated in the quarterfinals in a penalty shoot-out, as was the case yesterday against the Eye-talians.

It’s partly because there is less soccer to be watched once we reach the latter stages of the tournament, but mostly because I can watch the remainder of the competition as a mere neutral observer, hoping for entertainment rather than praying to Thor and His Hammer for every unlikely result that would guide England to glorious victory in the final.

Of course, to get to the final you must find a way not to lose in the quarterfinal. The boys from In-ger-lund have been unable to manage  this since Euro ’96 in England, when playing at the old Wembley Stadium they (rather improbably) beat Spain in a penalty shootout before losing to ze eventual winners, ze Germans, on penalties in the semifinals. England has gone out on spot kicks in major tournaments in 1990, 1996, 1998, 2004, 2006, and now 2012.

/kills self [Read more…]

Euro 2012: A Progress Update on Group D

Oh yeah he meant to do that…

I love tournament football because it allows me to yell “GET THE BALL OFF YOUR FOOT, YOU FUCKING CUNT!” at the television without being subsequently taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation. Whereas in club football, I support my team and all of its players, at the international level there are some compromises. I get to root for players I wouldn’t normally but whom I like, such as Manchester United’s Danny Welbeck and Tottenham Hotspur’s Scott Parker, but I have to tolerate scumbags like John Terry and Ashley Cole. There’s something delightfully dysfunctional about hurling the most breathtaking abuse at players you’re supposed to be supporting. You should try it!

[Read more…]

Euro 2012: Who to Hate in Group D

Thass… Waycess?

Oh, let’s just get this over with.

1. Ukraine (45-1 to win the tournament)

National Claim to Fame:


Are they any good at football?

Meh. Ukraine qualified by virtue of co-hosting the tournament, and they are currently ranked by UEFA as the 14th best European team. They will rely on the 35-year old Andriy Schevchenko to score goals, which tells you more or less everything you need to know.

Here’s Ukraine’s entry in the 2012 Eurovision song contest. God Help Us All.

[Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: