Happy Anniversary, Josh McDaniels!

lol later doods

lol later doods

Yes, you mindless sack, it’s your anniversary. Welcome to it. We’ve got some cupcakes over there, some champagne to celebrate. You don’t get to have any, because you are a fucking failure. A failure as a head coach, a failure as a person.

You’re a fucking doucheburger.

It was two years ago today that you were kicked to the fucking curb. Following the trading of a franchise quarterback, a franchise receiver, a very popular and allegedly hard-working scrappy runner, you replaced all of them with players who were not better, not close to better, in fact much worse. Then, in a move that will be remembered as the final nail in your coffin, you managed to completely shit the bed by taping a 49ers practice in London, kicking off a scandal that embarrassed the team, its owner, and its fans.

Nevermind that the team was a consistent threat to win the division every year prior to your arrival. Nevermind that the worst season in the last three decades came on your watch.

John Elway had to save us yet again from a fate worse than death when he sat in the EVP chair and started making decisions — good decisions — which positively affected the franchise after essentially weathering the storm you brought down upon it.

“Sure,” you say, “but did Elway draft Tim Tebow and Knowshon Moreno and trade a first for Alphonso Smith and give up a fourth for a blocking tight end who was rated as a 7th round prospect?” No, you twat, and that’s exactly the point.

Two years ago, the healing began.

Thank you, John Elway.

In the comments: Where were you the day Kennedy was shot McDaniels was fired?

Today’s a day for much celebration, and not just for shitcanning a terrible coach. No, December 5 has historical significance, for on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended.

See? Good day.

The Morning Wood: Be Who You Are

I had a massive takedown scheduled for today, but thanks to a late night with one Vincent Casablancas and a rare Colorado Rockies win (things are going to start happening now, kids!), I’m afraid all that information was lost to the gods of sleep and beer.

They’re my two favorite gods.

So the takedown will have to be shared another morning, because anything worth doing is worth doing right. So go easy. And look for something really special on Monday.

Links: [Read more…]

DDP Classic: Broncos Fans Get Rare Unity Opportunity

[Note: Denver Broncos training camp opens today at Dove Valley, and it’s perhaps the most anticipated camp opening since John Elway came back to go for his second straight Super Bowl championship. As such, we’re re-running a Classic DDP article about the arrival of Peyton Manning in Denver… and the hope that he can repair the breaches left by Jay Cutler, Josh McDaniels, Kyle Orton and Tim Tebow. Enjoy.]

It’s been stressful as hell to be a Bronco fan the last seven years or so. It’s rare that a place in flyover country makes national news on the regular with quarterback maneuvers and play, but Denver’s had lots of national attention for all the wrong reasons for, well, as far back as I can really remember.

Sure, everyone remembers McCutlergate, but it goes back farther than that. [Read more…]

Fare Thee Well, Timothy

The time to go has come.

It is expected that today, Denver’s flirtation with the heavens will come to an end, as Timothy Richard Tebow, the polarizing figure at the sharp point of the Denver Broncos’ resurgence in 2011, will likely be dealt out of town to make room for — depending on who you’re hearing from — Peyton Manning’s forehead or John Elway’s ego, or both.

The truth is much less interesting than that. [Read more…]

Cursed By Potential; Stricken By Raw Talent

Peyton Manning is incredible. A player who lived up to his full potential almost immediately, becoming the most cerebral passer in the league within three years as an NFL starter. He was an incredible talent, with drive and determination to be the best there is.

Since then, Manning really has been the best. He’s been the best player in the regular season several times, managed to carry that over into the Super Bowl once (winning MVP honors), and has been seen as the guy you simply must stop if you’re going to beat his team.

He was “The Man.”

And while I’m terrified of “The Man” in another sense, it’s the idea of Peyton Manning coming to Denver that has kept me up the last several nights.

[Read more…]

Denver Broncos: New Uniforms On The Horizon?

Tim Tebow is about to do it again, folks. Be ready.

No, he’s not going to bring Denver from behind again to get an unlikely win. (I mean, he might. This is Tim Tebow we’re talking about. He leads comeback victories like Newt Gingrich makes crazy statements, which is to say “with regularity.”) But he may well lead the league in jerseys sold for the second time when the Broncos change their look in 2012.

What you see above is NOT the Broncos’ new uniform. It is unlikely that the white-horse/orange D will ever return to the Broncos’ logo, as they’re not looking to go back in time.

We’ve all heard about the Broncos’ plan to return to the Return to Orange. This is not news.

What has not been discussed, at least not at length, is the likelihood that the team will change uniform styles completely, doing away with the “suspender” look and going back to a more traditional, hard-nosed football uniform.

Less dash, more smash. [Read more…]

This Week in Trolling, Brought to You by Valtrex®

They see me trollin’. They hatin’.

You may have noticed that the publishers of this esteemed journalistic venture observe all federal holidays, the occasional powder day, and sick days, because we are lazy soshulists.

But now we’re back, and if you think the elimination of Tim Tebow and the rest of the Denver Tebows from playoff contention leaves us with nothing intelligent to say, you’re spot on. But that never stopped Newton Gingrich and it won’t stop the cockpunching either, for Libertee and Freedom™.

Today we begin an exciting weekly feature known henceforth as This Week in Trolling, a compendium of the week’s highlights from people who piss on your shoes and tell you it’s raining. Off we go!

[Read more…]

Cleveland, Rocked: The Drive at 25

The Drive - Cleveland - January 11, 1987I witnessed the first great miracle in modern times.

It was 25 years ago today. I was just a lad, age of 6, and I gained my first hero. And you always remember your first, whether it’s your first hero, your first kiss, or the first time you saw Alison Brie running.

Watching John Albert Elway drive down a frigid, mud-and-dog-bone covered field for a tying touchdown that day was when I came of age as a football fan — though the dick jokes wouldn’t come for a few years —  and the day the Denver Broncos were put on the map. [Read more…]

Three Conclusions from Broncos 29, Steelers 23

And then did Jesus ride forth into Jerusalem on a Donco...

Remember a few weeks ago when the editors of this venerated publication declared that there would be less Tebow?

Ha ha um, April Fool’s?

[Read more…]

Can Everyone Calm Down Now?

The Not Ready For Prime Time Player

So Tim Tebow, he of much faith and bicep and scruff, reeled off six straight victories at the expense of struggling and just flat-out bad teams, resulting in overstatements and overshares, glowing articles and glowing praises, comparisons to Jesus, God, and John Elway, who might as well be both.

There were folks claiming, absurdly, that Tebow’s miracle run could include a trip to  the Super Bowl and, “dag gum, it’d be hard to say they wouldn’t win it.” I mean, we’ve got Tebow.

Well, at the end of the day, we still have Tebow. But they still have Tom Brady. And the difference between the two of them was night and day. Look no further than the scoreboard: New England 41, Denver 23. In other words, not even close.

[Read more…]

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