2016 Republican Handicapping, or the Short-Straw Lottery

As promised, below is my amateur handicapping for the race for the 2016 Republican nomination for President of the United States.  Again, the major caveat here is that I am assuming, because I am delusional an optimist, that the party has no choice but to move to the middle, so that informs my oddsmaking.

I would still vote for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (I) in a heartbeat, but something tells me he won’t win (or even compete) for the GOP nomination. [Read more…]

With Our Tails Between Our Legs

Last night, those of you who tracked our live tweetcast on #DDPElection saw my optimistic side.  My call might have been reasonable given polling trends, campaign momentum, or exit polls, but I left out one major consideration.  Whether due to oversight or ignorance, I didn’t realize that the Republican Party had completely and utterly lost its fucking way.

To put it simply, we got whupped last night, in almost every possible way, and the results need to be a wake-up call to the national party.

National trends indicate that Obama’s voting coalition – blocs of primarily African-American, Hispanic, Jewish, female, and young voters, among others – delivered huge margins for him, more than making up for his deficits among white voters, seniors and men.  Romney seems to have made significant strides in many of Obama’s niches – namely Jews and young voters – but nationally, it can be argued that the demographic that doomed him the most were blue-collar white men.  These voters had huge impact in the Rust Belt and other competitive Midwest states – Obama’s so-called “firewall” and the source of much of Romney’s recent momentum.  (P.S.  I don’t think this momentum ever existed.  I feel pretty duped right now, especially after seeing the numbers expanding in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, etc.)  It’s clear that these voters did not view the economy as gloomily as we thought the media thought they thought it was, and perhaps that was enough to give Obama the gap he needed for the win. (Giggity.)

However, the economy is far from the Republican Party’s biggest issue. [Read more…]

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more…]

In Defense of Mitt Romney, or “The Breakup”

[Editor’s Note: Like you, we were astonished to learn that there are real live Republicans out there who read this filthy blog. One of them was brave enough to weigh in and speak up for his man W. Mitt Romney. Be nice to him, you rabid libruls.]

Have you seen 2006’s “The Breakup?”  Yeah, me neither.  From what IMDB tells me, and certainly not because I’ve watched the movie personally, this tour-de-force demonstrates how terrible, awkward and troublesome a breakup is.  Vince Vaughn stars as, well, “Vince Vaughn as a Chicago tour-guide” and Jennifer Aniston is his patient, cultured art gallery curator.  As I was watching this movie I realized that this movie ultimately reflects the important choice this country faces on Tuesday.

Jennifer Aniston is America – well-intentioned, responsible, optimistic.  She falls in love with Vince Vaughn, our illustrious community-organizing, basketball-playing, enthusiastic leader, because he’s nothing like anyone she’d dated before.  (Based off the movie’s opening scene in Wrigley Field and 230 years of American presidents)  Aniston and Vaughn hit it off, so they make it official and move in together.  Here’s when the hilarity instability begins.
[Read more…]

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