What America Doesn’t Need Right Now

My dear friend The Bowtie published an editorial in The Pages Of This Fine Dick Joke Magazine, essentially making the case for one W. Mittens Romney, Lord Just For Men, based largely around the following premise: He’s Not Obama, And Therefore Better For America.

While I love and respect my dear friend The Bowtie (aside from his choices in British Footballing Clubs, American Baseball Clubs, and Political Parties), in the words of one Jeff Lebowski, “This aggression will not stand, man.”

Let us ignore for a moment the irony of a Republican voting for someone as a vote against the incumbent (given that we were mocked for doing just that in both 2004 AND in 2008), as well as a Jewish man voting for any Republican candidate ever, and focus on the content of his argument.

My esteemed colleague makes a good point when it comes to “what if” statements. What if Republicans hadn’t sworn to block any piece of legislation that might result in a second term for Obama? Well, the legislation would have passed. Duh. The only reason it didn’t is because Republicans refused to pass it. So, in the quiet words of President William Howard Taft, “LOL NO DOY.”

Unfortunately for The Bowtie’s argument is that it works against his man Mitt as well. [Read more…]

The Zentrist Guide To Fiscal Conservatism, Part Two

As you dear readers may recall, I expressed my belief that the GOP these days does not have a clue about what fiscal conservatism is really all about, talking about why we have a tax code that is just too darn complicated and that a simplified code would go a long way to addressing concerns that real fiscal conservatives have.

But then comes the spending side — and like the revenue side, real fiscal conservatives don’t see it the way the current incarnation of the GOP wants it to be.

A real fiscal conservative knows you can’t just balance the budget by cutting foreign aid and things such as funding for Planned Parenthood and National Public Radio — while there are arguments that can be made for whether or not the government should spend money on these things, real fiscal conservatives know that spending amounts to just a drop in the bucket.

A real fiscal conservative knows that plenty of military spending is excessive and outright wasteful — as in, those working in the Pentagon say they have enough to fill military needs but stuff is bought anyway just to pacify some defense contractor who says, “Well, if I’m paying taxes to the government, I better get something in return or else I’m gonna pull your election funding away, sucker!” [Read more…]

The Zentrist Guide To Fiscal Conservatism, Part One

[Editor’s Note: People talk about “fiscal conservatism” a lot. What is this mysterious thing that never seems to actually happen when those who preach its importance actually gain control of the levers of power? New contributor Zentrist will clue you in.]

As someone who thinks of himself as a centrist who leans fiscally conservative, I can only shake my head at what seems to pass for conservatism these days.  [Read more…]

DDP Staff Endorses Four More Years of Kenyan Anti-Colonialism

[UPDATE: Sorry for the technical glitch. The full post has been restored.]

Good morning, anchor babies.

In lieu of the Morning Wood, we asked our vaunted staff writers to weigh in on the presidential election. No equivocating, no waffling, no “on the other hand”. We asked them point blank: Who is your choice, and why?

We asked our intrepid staff this vital question on short notice, because we are disorganized and (more often than not) hung over. They delivered in a major way. Please find their inspired responses below.

[Editor’s Note: Because this publication is Fair and Balanced™, we also reached out to our more thoughtful conservative friends for their final impressions on this Most Important Election Ever, Until The Next One and will post their responses throughout the morning.]
[Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Still Below 8%

Four days until the actual election day, and the one thing that could have tossed a rather sizable wrench into the works was the unemployment picture, which if you’ll recall dropped down below 8% a few weeks back, causing the GOP to lose its collective shit and start blaming non-appointed positions at the Bureau of Labor Statistics for playing politics with the numbers to help aid Bronco Bamma’s re-election chances.

Today’s report wasn’t terribly rosy, as Unemployment ticked up slightly to 7.9% for the last month, when more people joined the work force (good!) but not all of them found jobs (bad!). But there are some things to be taken from this: Of course, we’d all love the recovery to move faster, but that’s not where we’re at. I’d like to ride a unicorn to work, but I also don’t have that option. But the positives, in my opinion, outweigh the negatives in a pretty substantial way. Construction jobs improving means the housing market may be turning around at last, and that affects all of us.

Consider: 578,000 people joined the labor force, with “only” 410,000 of them finding jobs.

This is what recovery looks like. I’m sure Congress will act any moment now to make that stop.

Someone get Jack Welch on the phone. [Read more…]

Calm Down, Calm Down

Listen, you guys.

Stop fretting over the perception that Barry Obama “lost” the debate. The concept of winning or losing a debate is incoherent, and this wasn’t a real debate anyway. It was an opportunity for both candidates to do one and only one thing: fuck up colossally, and neither candidate did that.

Well, sort of. In an alternate universe where politicians are accountable for lying through their teeth, Governor Romneytron 3000 would be in a right old spot of bother this morning.
[Read more…]

The Money Badger’s Morning Wood

We coined the Money Badger nickname about a week ago, you guys, and little did we know that His Lord High Hairgel, Sir Mittens of Romney would live up to the moniker so quickly.

But boy, oh boy, did he ever. [Read more…]

You Are Being Lied to About Social Security and the Federal Budget

From time to time, your correspondent will take a reprieve from Marxist dick jokes to educate his faithful readership on a Very Serious Matter. This is one of those times when both major ‘Merican political parties are guilty of inconsistent logic at best, and at worst are having their cake and eating it with regard to the medium term fiscal direction of this failed nation.

Yesterday, the gross national debt breached an arbitrary figure: $16 trillion. That is one hell of a lot of money, and you can bet that every GOPee official with enough tech savvy to use Twitter was up in arms about how this portended one thousand years in the wilderness for Amerika if the spendthrift Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama should be reëlected.

That notion is not worth any further examination, and is conveniently not what is at issue here today. Rather, it is how each political party approaches the federal deficit and how those approaches relate to their policies regarding how Social Security should be funded.

[Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has A Crush


She’s beautiful, well-spoken, strong, intelligent, funny, can throw a punch, has taken more than her share, and last night, she delivered the knockout blow.

Yes, we are crushin’. Hard.

I’m like thisclose to standing outside the White House in a trench coat, holding a boom box over my head playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel, an idea which may get me beaten up or killed by the Secret Service. Probably both.

But I can’t help it anymore. Michelle, you so strong. Hey girl, if you ever want to leave the most powerful man in the world and be with a blogger in Denver, I totes can help move your furniture. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Paul Ryan Huh? Huh.

Over the weekend, your intrepid correspondent puttered along the coast of scenic Rhode Island in a rented Toyota Yaris, an “economy car” that is apparently powered by petroleum-sipping hamsters running on a flywheel. THAT’S CUTTING EDGE JAPANESE INNOVATION.

Howevah, the car’s handling left much to be desired and the braking performance might as well have been Yours Truly pulling a Fred Flintstone. Several otherwise innocuous traffic lights became white-knuckle ordeals whereby I was spared the shame and financial liability of a rear-end collision only by the grace of Timothy R. Tebow, an imaginary winged beast with the body of a hall-of-fame NFL fullback, the arm of a Florida high school QBee, and a mind deluded by visions of grandeur.

Whilst carefully negotiating the turns of Route 1 in my clown car, I couldn’t help but thinking of Yackity Sax, the theme music to the Benny Hill Show, now with bonus Pedobear action!

Hoping to drown out this dreadful mental racket, I tuned in to the Southern New England affiliate of National Soshulist Public Radio only to hear the smarmy disingenuous speechifying of Paul Ryan (R – Wisconsin), who according to Lord Touch-of-Gray™ W. Mitt Romney is our next Preznit.


Freud says there are no mistakes, and Mittens is correct in thinking that Herr Ryan will sooner be President himself then second-in-command in a Romney administration, so there.

Team Romney/Ryan made the announcement of their grand alliance against That Kenyan Hitler Barry Obama in scenic Norfolk, Virginia beside an old, useless decommissioned battleship called the U.S.S. Wisconsin. That’s good symbolism there, boyz. I hope their advance team remembered to hang a banner proclaiming “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” across the control tower.

It was a pretty shocking choice of backdrop, especially for two politicians with zero experience serving in the military. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a candidate pair bereft of military credentials, and the first national ticket without a Protestant is progressive in its own way. But can GOPee politicians take even a five minute break from pandering to the freedumb-exporting National Greatness chickenhawk wing of their party?

I guess not. [Read more…]

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