If Pen Pals Got Drunk

Dear You,

I regret to inform you that I am hammered right now adn therefore cannot be responsible for anything I may have done, nor anything that I will regrt doing in the mornin. LOL! JK!

Sometimes I think we don’t understand each other, in spite of our magical afternoon together at Six Flags Over Texas ™ in Arlington, and in spite of me stealing you a Wile E. Coyote keychain in the gift shop (seriously though: true story; remind me sometime and I shall regale you with the whatever the fuck and yadda yadda) you totes left me out to dry while you went and rode the SkyScreamer, which, I’m sorry, it needs to be said, just sounds like the ride provided by a Mimbo. (COOL GUY? What are you, in eighth grade?)

Well I’m sorry if I can’t get you free pie.


Ur pen pal,


Unanswered Questions in the Land of the Buffalo

Well, I wanted to say it, and Jon Embree alluded to it earlier.  Neither Embree nor I needed to, because Colorado football coach emeritus and living legend Bill McCartney said it.  And Bill McCartney IS NOT WRONG.

I will not accuse failed athletic director Mike Bohn of racism.  But I do not trust him, and you probably should not either.

In the last four days, Mr. Bohn has:

  • Unceremoniously fired a proud alum and committed Buffalo;
  • Set the CU’s massive rebuilding program back at least two years; and
  • Failed to articulate his vision to turn things around.

On top of that, Mr. Bohn rolled out this zinger at the Embree termination press conference.

“I think every AD has a list of candidates that they’d love to have in the event there is a change.  We do, but we’ll see if we can pull it off.”

Sounds like a dishonest man … with a plan.  [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has That Texas Speed

Happy Friday, fuckers!

Let’s get to the links.

As much as the editors of this vaunted periodical enjoy criticizing Slate, most of their stuff is pretty good. You may have heard that in the wake of Kenyan Usurper Barack Hussein Obama’s reëlection a small but vocal contingent of racists has taken to the internets to demand FREEDUM from the tyrannical U.S. and A., because they are “patriots”. 

[Read more…]

The Next Ex-Manager of the Colorado Rockies

The joke that was the 2012 Colorado Rockies season grew quite a bit funnier late Wednesday night, when the organization announced the hiring of Regis Jesuit High School head coach Walt Weiss to serve as manager on a one-year contract. In spite of my admiration for Mr. Weiss and my misguided hope for the improved future prospects of the Local Nine, the organization’s managerial hiring can only be received with skepticism, disgust, and doubt.

As a seven-year old raised in Northern California, my favorite local organization was the Oakland A’s and my favorite player was Walt Weiss. Down in the dilapidated basement of the Casa Casablancas, I store a baseball collection that must have at least ten Walt Weiss baseball cards, undoubtedly cumulatively valued at 35 cents. Weiss and I moved to Colorado for good in 1994, and his contributions to the Rockies are well documented. I admired Weiss’ steady defense, quality at-bats, and contributions to winning franchises at every stop. I expect that Weiss will find great success as manager, someday. Sadly, it will either require him to move to a new location, or return to the friendly confines of Regis Jesuit.

[Read more…]

What Does Four More Years™ Mean To YOU?

As the editors of this award-winning* periodical partied the night away with upwardly mobile members of the Colorado Democratic-Farmer-Labour Party, we discussed how last night’s comprehensive victory was significant on so many levels apart simply from four more years of Kenyan Anti-colonial Soshulist Islamic Marxist Hitlerism in the White Haus:

  • The Tea Party has been exposed forever as the fraudulent fever dream of fanatics who belong nowhere near any kind of responsible office, and its continued existence guarantees electoral victory for Democrats;
  • The GOPee must come to terms with secular demographic trends and concede the fact that it can no longer be the party of old white southern men if it wants to remain a viable national movement;
  • When given (reasonably) well-crafted ballot initiatives, Americans on both coasts and the Rocky Mountain West spoke up in favor of civil liberty and against dogmatic puritanism. Over time, we may find that the decriminalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado may even be more significant than a second term for W. Barry Bamz; and
  • The coalition for civil rights is rising again, with great effect. The people of the Great State of Maryland took a great progressive leap forward by becoming the first citizens to directly order their legislature to grant equality under the law to gay and lesbian couples and families. Martin O’Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and present governor of Queen Mary’s Land, was a pivotal figure in convincing influential black church leaders to come correct on the most pressing civil rights issue of the day. A newly minted progressive powerhouse, his national ambitions have surely become even stronger.

To-morrow, we will publish the thoughts of our contributors as to what four more years of Hip-Hop Barbecues in the White Haus means to them.

You should contribute as well.

Yes, you. Briefly close your browser tabs to RedTube, YouPorn, and PornHub and send ~200 words and a pseudonym to publius1981@gmail.com, for freedom.

*not intended to be a factual statement

Debateatron 2012: Are We There Yet?

[Editor’s Note: Reproduced below is last night’s live blog of the third and final 2012 presidential debate, brought to you by the exquisite Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D.

Here, brought to you by the New York Times, is the debate, with plenty of punditry before and after, for freedom.

Naturally, all of the best post-debate coverage came from foreign newspapers. Be sure to check out the Guardianthe BBCAl Jazeera, and a blistering assessment of American decline and denial from Der Spiegel.

Also, while our live blog is the best live blog (obvs), Matt Taibbi at Rolling Stone and John Cook and DDP favorite Mobutu Sese Seko at Gawker also put in a valiant effort.

So boyz & gurls, scroll down to the bottom and read up at your leisure. Good day.]  [Read more…]

Get Your RepubliDemocratic Drank On!!

Dear Alla Y’all,

Tonight’s drink of choice is the “Margarita Ala This Dude I know in Texas, Vance, who totally does it with my bestie.” For the sake of not coming off like a pathetic drunk, I’ma pretend I haven’t been drinking these every night this week… and possibly last week too.


Here’s how you make it:

1 can (12 ounces) frozen Minute Maid Limeade (Yeah, you could go store brand… but why be cheap?)
12 ounces Tequila
12 ounces Sprite
6 ounces Grand Marnier
1 bottle dos equis (green, fools, green!)
My fella likes to mix this with a wisk until the Limeade melts in (because he’s a gay homosexual), but a spoon will do!

Chuck in freezer until really cold, then chuck in mouth until unconsciousness occurs!

I’ll be live blogging tonight’s debate whilst drinking these… until I switch to the Tequila by itself at some point. When that happens, I want it known that Magic Sam and The Bunk cannot get mad if this becomes debate slashfic.


Mad with power,


[Editor’s note: You can find Mademoiselle Gottbach’s brilliant live-blog here.]

Euro 2012: The Final Countdown

WELLPS, after three weeks of wall-to-wall action, the cream of Europe has risen to the top. Lesser sides such as Ireland, England (obvs.), and most notably the shitty Dutch have been found out, and subsequently sent off on their summer holidays. It takes a different class to survive all the way to the final, and only España and Italia are good enough, papist enough, and downright RAYCESST enough to make the grade.  [Read more…]

BREAKING: Lakers Fans Are Jackasses

I know this will shock some of you, but it seems the state of California has given the world another reason to hate it.

From the city that brought us “fans” who beat an opposing team’s fan into a coma (the Dodgers) and the state that brought us luminaries such as Charger fans (talk all the shit in the world, then don’t show up to games), Raider fans (meth-fueled, violent and fucking stupid) come the shit-talking, Kobe-jersey-wearing vile humans known as Laker fans.

I’m all for talk. I do a lot of it. And I know it’s part of the game for players and for fans.

But THIS? This is ridiculous.

[Read more…]

Buying Votes, Buying Influence

Now THIS is class warfare.

Quieting millions of people while your dollars do the heavy lifting, then claiming that you speak for anyone other than yourself and your special interests? Ridiculous.

Our nerd link of the day is from the New York Times, and discusses the Super PAC working with internet/Wall Street billionaire Joe Ricketts, who made his fortune building the stock trading company TD Ameritrade. So, you know, he’s on the level.

My problem with this campaign is its despicable return to the smears of 2008. My problem is the race baiting (which they have an answer for, which we’ll discuss in a moment). My problem is the dirty politics played by ONE person buying votes.

My problem is with the rich having too much influence, while saps like me try to wage our little battle with words instead of huge sums of money, tantamount to bringing a banana to a gunfight. [Read more…]

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