The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
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Actually, We Do Know Who Won the Bailey/Portis Trade

My dear friend and co-editor of this family-friendly news magazine, The Bunk, wrote a lovely piece waxing poetic about the career of one Clinton Portis, who announced his retirement yesterday and summarily launched a million articles asking who won the trade between the Broncos and Redskins for his services.

On the other end of that trade, you’ll remember (or maybe you won’t; I have zero idea how much pot you’ve smoked, hippie) that the Broncos got future Hall of Fame Cornerback, party animal and oddly-shaped-head-guy Champ Bailey, who has remained in the Broncos defense and has, for nearly a decade now, effectively cut off an entire side of the field to the passing game of lesser quarterbacks from other teams.

Comparing each team’s haul in the trade and defining who “got the better deal” is folly in his mind; tantamount to asking “Is Amurrka the Greatest Nation on Earth?” and other “silly parlor games.”

The truth is, we do know who won the trade. [Read more…]

The Coolest Thing Ever

Well. That was fucking awesome.

I’m heading to the bar to decompress and continue watching the coverage of MANNINGWATCHHOLYSHITHE’SABRONCONOW 2012.

For those of you scoring at home, in my lifetime I got to watch Hall of Famer John Elway play at a high level for years, finally capping his career with two Super Bowl wins. Today, I got to watch John Elway close the deal with Hall of Famer Peyton Manning who instantly makes Denver a better team. 75/1 odds to win the Super Bowl before. Now 10/1.

And as for Tim Tebow? Play him off, Keyboard Cat.

Why I Am Leaving the Denver Broncos

(Tim Tebow sits, alone in a dark room somewhere in the bowels of the Denver Broncos’ Dove Valley complex, typing on a laptop.)

He reads aloud:
“By Timothy R. Tebow

Today is my last day with the Denver Broncos Football Club. After three full years — having given up my youth and loaned the organization my exceptional ball-carrying skill — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can say that the atmosphere is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, John Elway is a poo poo head and likes every other quarterback more than he likes me. That’s not fair; I love Jesus, and I love the Lord. So what if I can’t throw a timing route? So what if I get nervous and soil myself in the pocket? I should be the starter, because the God-fearing people of Denver like ME best. Think you’re going to sell as many jerseys with that fetushead under center? No way. I’ve got muscles and a scruffy apostle beard and kung-fu grip. He’s got a receding hairline and is a total jerky jerk for trying to take my job in the first place.

Mr. Elway has made his choice quite clear. So, as of right now, I’m resigning my post as Quartered Back of the Denver Broncos.”

/printing press flies open [Read more…]

Denver Broncos: New Uniforms On The Horizon?

Tim Tebow is about to do it again, folks. Be ready.

No, he’s not going to bring Denver from behind again to get an unlikely win. (I mean, he might. This is Tim Tebow we’re talking about. He leads comeback victories like Newt Gingrich makes crazy statements, which is to say “with regularity.”) But he may well lead the league in jerseys sold for the second time when the Broncos change their look in 2012.

What you see above is NOT the Broncos’ new uniform. It is unlikely that the white-horse/orange D will ever return to the Broncos’ logo, as they’re not looking to go back in time.

We’ve all heard about the Broncos’ plan to return to the Return to Orange. This is not news.

What has not been discussed, at least not at length, is the likelihood that the team will change uniform styles completely, doing away with the “suspender” look and going back to a more traditional, hard-nosed football uniform.

Less dash, more smash. [Read more…]

The Hangover, Part 2: So, Now What?

VIA UPIIn the end, it wasn’t faith or a lack thereof that led those who don’t like Tim Tebow the Quarterback to dislike Tim Tebow the Quarterback.

Maybe it was a lack of ability. 34% passing against the 31st ranked defense in the league displayed it for all to see.

Or maybe it was Tebow’s inability to do anything other than run the option which, once figured out, was dead in the water.

Maybe it was the 10 points. 10. 10 of them. | | | | | | | | | | < That many. Against a team that had put up 14 points after only one Bronco possession.

Of course the defense deserves blame. They were playing against one of the best offenses in the league, knew they had to reach the quarterback, knew they had to play lights out. And they didn't. And it was awful to watch.

But for right now, we're looking at one place and one place only. The Offense.

[Read more…]

The Broncos CAN Win This Weekend — Here’s How

I just ran a simulation of this week’s Broncos-Patriots Divisional Playoff matchup at, and I am sure my eyes deceived me. While I expected something along the lines of a 49 – 21 Patriots victory, I was shocked to find my simulation result in a 34 – 17 Broncos victory behind 175 yards from Willis McGahee and an error-free game from Tim Tebow. It only took one try, and I didn’t bench Tom Brady for the simulation. I guess that means that there is more than a 0% chance that the Broncos will win on Saturday night. Shocking.

If the Broncos are to find sweet victory against the evil New England Patriots and their new cheating spy offensive assistant Josh McDaniels, all of the following MUST occur:

1. The Broncos must pressure Brady. Not two sacks and three quarterback hurries, but rather something like five sacks, seven hurries, and a couple of knockdowns. Gloom and Doom will need to meet at the quarterback at least twice in order for this lofty goal to be met. Von Miller had his best performance since breaking his thumb last week, and the Broncos will need even more from him and his fellow pass rushers Saturday night.

2. The Broncos must win the turnover battle. In the Week 15 loss to the Patriots, the Broncos set up the recipe for success in the first quarter. They ran the ball, kept it off the turf, and were moving up and down the field. Then the second quarter arrived. Three turnovers and a grand total of four offensive players later, the Broncos 16 – 7 lead became a 24 – 16 deficit. This cannot happen on the road against the cream of the AFC crop. If the Broncos avoid turnovers and cause at least two, I like their chances.

3. The Broncos must limit the offensive explosion to one of New England’s big three. With a steady pass rush, sound run defense, and adequate pass defense, there may be a chance for the Broncos to pull their biggest upset in franchise playoff history. By neutralizing two of the big three (Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and Aaron Hernandez) and Patriots running attack, the Broncos defense may keep the score within reach.

As I said, if one of these doesn’t occur — just one slip on this list — The Broncos will be on the losing end of the equation. However, if they manage all three, they’ve got a shot.

We may well see the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship Game.

Cleveland, Rocked: The Drive at 25

The Drive - Cleveland - January 11, 1987I witnessed the first great miracle in modern times.

It was 25 years ago today. I was just a lad, age of 6, and I gained my first hero. And you always remember your first, whether it’s your first hero, your first kiss, or the first time you saw Alison Brie running.

Watching John Albert Elway drive down a frigid, mud-and-dog-bone covered field for a tying touchdown that day was when I came of age as a football fan — though the dick jokes wouldn’t come for a few years —  and the day the Denver Broncos were put on the map. [Read more…]

Three Conclusions from Broncos 29, Steelers 23

And then did Jesus ride forth into Jerusalem on a Donco...

Remember a few weeks ago when the editors of this venerated publication declared that there would be less Tebow?

Ha ha um, April Fool’s?

[Read more…]

Defending Josh McDaniels (Kinda): One Year Later

Josh McDaniels
You won’t get many arguments that Josh McDaniels’ tenure in Denver was anything but an abysmal mess. But part of being a fan is having to look back and see the entire situation with clear eyes once the dust settles, and various other clichés.

Josh McDaniels dismantled a team thought by many to be “on the brink” of a breakout season, a playoff berth, and perhaps a run at the Super Bowl. He sent numerous starters packing, most notably Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Peyton Hillis and Tony Scheffler.  In return for a lion’s share of draft picks, sufficient to rebuild any team, McDaniels piled on the Bronco faithful with horrific draft day decisions.  Most asinine was his decision to trade his 2010 first round pick (which ultimately turned into the impact safety Earl Thomas) to the Seattle Seahawks to pick Alphonso Smith in the second round of the 2009 draft, who was then traded (after one season!) to the Detroit Lions for one Dan Gronkowski.  Not to be confused with the other more successful Gronkowski (Rob) who just broke the receiving record for touchdowns by a tight end, Dan Gronkowski is unemployed right now. Knowshon Moreno is a complete bust, and the rest of the 2009 class (with the notable exception of defensive end Robert Ayers) doesn’t even play for the Broncos anymore.

Needless to say, McHoodie’s blunders were epic. Not 4-foot powder day epic mind you, but Bernie Bickerstaff epic.

As I sat watching the Broncos pull out yet another improbable victory and listened to the banal chorus of team unity yet again: “putting the whole before the individual”, “believing in one another”, etc., I couldn’t help but think back to McDaniels and the culture he publicly sought for the Denver Broncos.  The talents of the four key players shipped off are immense, but so are the flaws: [Read more…]

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