The Morning Wood Is A Shell of Its Former Self

What can you say about the Chargers in the second half that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Those motherfuckers were bombed-out and depleted, thinking they’d already won a game that was only half over.

And now, the silliness begins.

Can you beLIEVE there are still those holding on to the notion that Denver should not have signed Peyton fucking Manning? Can you beLIEVE that there are folks out there who think the only quarterback capable of a comeback lives in New Jersey and wears number 15?

I want you to think about the idea of Tim Tebow still being this team’s starter, and whether Denver would have won that game last night. And if you think there’s any chance — any at all, even with Tebow’s god-given comebacks — I want you to punch yourself in the face, dunk your head in water, punch yourself again, and rejoin all of us in reality.

The answer is no. No way. No chance. Tim Tebow’s record against good teams (as the Chargers most certainly are, though they obviously don’t know how to salt away a game after giving up a 10 point lead last week and a 24 point lead last night) is abysmal. YES, “he beat” the Steelers in the playoffs, a team that was injured and old and not all that good, and gave us a wonderful memory. I know. The idea of him leading a comeback of 24 points while throwing the football is laughable, and the truth is he likely would have derped around until the fourth quarter, finally getting two touchdowns in garbage time near the end.

Not good enough.

Know who is good enough? Denver’s new quarterback. And I submit that it’s games like last night which make you go out and pay nearly $100 million for Peyton Manning.

As for me, I’m a wreck. After a game in which I’d nearly written off my team for the remainder of the season based on one half of absolutely pathetic football, turned my attitude (and it can be argued, the team) around by switching up my beer drinking strategy (from Coors Banquet to weightier craft offerings, and drinking much, much more). Obviously, I was the difference. Then I hit The Spot for a few shots and celebratory fistpumps. And I woke up still #drunj.

Obviously, I won too. [Read more…]

The Orioles Are In The Playoffs? Someone Pinch Me

Watching my beloved Baltimore Orioles take on the villainous Jan-Kees of Neue Amsterdam in the first two games of the 2012 American League Divisional Series has been scarcely believable, like those dreams you sometimes have where you’re a grown-ass adult with graduate degrees but yet find yourself back at your high school sweating on a final exam for an Advanced Placement Spanish class for which you were registered but never attended.

You don’t even know where the classroom is, but you do know that your chance of performing well on this final is roughly equal to the square root of fuckall. Passing the class will determine whether you’ll get to go to the college from which you’ve already graduated, so the pressure is enormous. It’s made worse by the constant chorus of “ARRRGH THIS IS BULLSHIT, I COMPLETED HIGH SCHOOL IN 1999!” that grows and grows until it snaps you out of your retro nightmare with a refreshing combination of cold sweat and mental exhaustion.

[Read more…]

Morning Wood: Let’s All Laugh at the Red Sox

Rooting for the Boston Red Sox is a harmless and quintessentially American youthful dalliance, like cocaine and conservatism. It’s all so exciting and new but the lustre eventually fades and all that remains is the inescapable truth: You have better things to do with your time than to engage in such frivolity.

For a brief period wherein Messrs. Theo Epstein and Terry “Tito” Francona ran the front office and dugout, respectively, the FACKIN’ SAWX did a passable imitation of a competent ball club, winning two championships and issuing regular beatdowns to the hated Noo Yawk Yankees. But all of that is over; Epstein slinked off to Chicago, Francona has presumably taken up a quiet life of hitting on younger women, and the Sox have re-occupied their rightful and historically accurate place below the Baltimore Orioles in the American League East standings.

At 57 wins and 60 losses in their 162-game regular season schedule, the baseball Wes Welkers are 12.5 games behind the loathed Yankees and 6.5 games out of contention for a Wild Card playoff berth. Should they finish the season with a losing record, it will be their first since 1997.

Yes, dear readers, it would appear that the wheels are falling off. Not for the first time this season, internal strife is leaking out to the Boston media that loves nothing more than to participate actively in Fenway meltdowns. Former Sawx General Manager Dan Duquette is drinking their milkshake from his perch in scenic Baltimore, Maryland as the GM of the rejuvenated Orioles, and Beantown’s greatest baseball servant Johnny Pesky departed this world on Monday, leaving behind a 60-year career as a player, manager, and broadcaster.

Many of the devotees of Pedroiah Nation are concerned that the Red Sox ownership has spread itself too thin after taking on the challenge of reviving the legendary Liverpool Football Club, an under-performing member of the English Premier League Brought to You by Barclays® PLC. This may or may not be true, but why don’t you try to explain the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy to Tommy from Quincy in between his sets of bench-pressing your underage cousin, and let me know how that works out for you.

To the links, young Padawans! [Read more…]

Justin Upton Can Save the Rockies

I have written thousands of words on the fate of the Colorado Rockies in 2012.  Their fate is not good.

In the midst of writing another 2,000 word manifesto about the failure of the Rockies and the imminent demise of general manager Dan O’Dowd, I realized that topic is tired.  I have read dozens of columns with the same theme – burn down the house and start over with new management and (hopefully) players.

If the Rockies are truly concerned about becoming a sustainable model for consistent pennant contention, one trade prior to July 31st could solve their problems. [Read more…]

The Cockpunch: Civility Edition


Had an interesting morning yesterday, you guys.

As I do, I came down to my local coffee shop to toil over this here daily rundown of links and asshattery. I focused, dived in, and after getting there just after the shop opened, got out a bit prior to 7am. Good, quality, highly-productive Monday morning. Big fan of that stuff.

When I’d arrived, the shop had just opened, and had not switched on their credit card machine yet. So, long story short, they couldn’t ring me up for my coffee. What am I supposed to do, use cash? That’s for drugs and tamales on Federal, not for coffee in Wash Park. PRIORITIES. [Read more…]

Enough Already – The Post-Mortem of Your 2012 Colorado Rockies

Seems like a lifetime ago.

ROOT Sports mercifully took a day off of broadcasting the Colorado Rockies on Thursday. It’s about time. The Rockies pitching staff took yet another day off, giving up eight runs (“only” six earned) against the hapless Oakland A’s offense. The defense did not help, tallying three errors in yet another indication of the mess that is the 2012 Colorado Rockies.

In the three-game homestand against the A’s (not exactly the ’27 Yankees, let alone the ’04 A’s), the Rockies have blown two early leads, have been simply blown out, and have given up no fewer than eight runs in a game. As of EOB on Thursday, and with exactly 100 games remaining in the Nightmare of 2012, the Rockies are 24 – 38, 15 – 21 at home, and 9 – 17 on the road.

Stick a fork in it. This season is over. [Read more…]

Farewell, Jamie Moyer

As recently as five weeks ago, Moyer was the most accomplished starter in the worst rotation in Major League Baseball.  On Friday, he was deemed an unnecessary burden for the worst rotation in Major League Baseball and was designated for assignment. On Sunday, the 49 year old left-hander was officially released.

When the Rockies signed Moyer to a free agent contract this past offseason, I was a strange combination mystified and excited.  I remembered Moyer as a piece of one of the worst trades in Cubs history (Rafael Palmeiro, Moyer, et al to the Texas Rangers for The Wild Thing prior to the 1989 season), and as one of the game’s best pitchers in his time with the Seattle Mariners.  The acquisition of Moyer seemed like a low-risk signing that could help the Rockies bridge the gap until their prospects were ready to assume the full burden of carrying the rotation.

The prospects are not ready, and Moyer is gone. [Read more…]

The Rockies Geriatric Baseball Revolution

Fun fact: Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer learned to pitch by throwing rocks at Redcoats in the early days of the American Revolution.

Real fact:  Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer is OLD; old enough to become the first starting pitcher in baseball history to win a game at the age of 49; old enough to have been traded in a package by the Chicago Cubs in the acquisition of Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams; old enough to have reached his pitching prime in 1997, at age 34; and old enough to have earned his first 20-win season in 2001 at age 38.   

May the evidence show, Jamie Moyer is in fact old. [Read more…]

The Good, The Bad, and The Rockies

In the opening days of the 2012 base-ball season, this Rockies fan is hopeful that lessons have been learned, that this year’s team will be better, and that championship-level baseball will once again fill the Coors diamond. Since the trade of Ubaldo Jimenez to Cleveland in July 2011, Dealin’ Dan has been hard-at-work, ridding the team of perceived problems and acquiring assets in the effort to resuscitate this flailing franchise.

In addition to Mr. Jimenez, the faithfully departed from the 2011 team include: starting catcher Chris Ianetta, starting right fielder Seth Smith, utility outfield Ryan Spilborghs, closer Huston Street, starting third baseman Ian Stewart, and shockingly-effective pitcher Kevin Millwood. Out with the old, and in with a new old. The prominent additions to the 2012 team include aging catcher Ramon Hernandez, ageless wonder Jamie Moyer, 36-year old second baseman Marco Scutaro, approximately 8 ½ 5th starter candidates, Cubs cast-off Tyler Colvin, innings-eater (never a good sign as the defining trait of a new staff ace) Jeremy Guthrie, and sweet-swinging clubhouse presence Michael Cuddyer. At least this offseason has kept the transaction wire company. [Read more…]

Santo’s Hall of Fame Induction Highlights Indecision, Inadequacy of BBWAA

Ron Santo deserved better than this.  366 days after his death, Mr. Santo was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame by the Veteran’s Committee.  The collective disappointment that Mr. Santo was not inducted into the Hall of Fame during his life has been well-documented by Chicagoland and national media alike.  This does not undo the travesty of his slighted candidacy, nor does it illuminate a logical solution to the problem of inconsistency and indecision that cripples the decision-making of the Baseball Writers Association of America.

[Read more…]

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