The Morning Wood: Make Fun

You guys. YOU GUYS. Zomg.

Do you know how much fun it was to read the news sites yesterday? I had the weirdest Schaedenboner watching the guys from Fox News and a variety of other outlets eating their own. They were all “What was wrong with Romney?” and the answers were like “he was too conservative in the primary!” “no, he was not conservative enough in the general!” and “no, you fucks, he’s not relatable,” then “nobody likes him, and also too he completely ignored the minority vote and lost single women by like 37%! Also, he’s a douchenozzle!” And then they’d fight and Karl Rove would end up sitting on someone’s head and letting loose with a vicious fart. At least, that’s what I think happened next; my brain was melting because, you know, Fox News, so I had to change the channel.

RedState.com, our favorite (note: NOT favorite) blog in the whole wide red world was apoplectic, claiming that the GOP “let the Democrats choose our candidate” and that the Republican field this cycle was high quality. No, I can’t make this up. To the Block Quote!

“Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich –- were bright, attractive, and have compelling narratives.”

Seriously! Someone wrote that! And they were totally sincere and saw absolutely no problem calling Palin and Bachmann “bright and attractive”!

No wonder everyone thinks you guys are completely out of touch. You ARE completely out of touch. [Read more…]

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The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters. [Read more…]

Tonight’s Festivities

Well, it’s been quite a day for us. Guess we’ll just turn in and call it a night. Maybe make some tea. Read a good book. Masturbate ourselves to sleep.

PSYCHE!

We’re totes going to be LIVE LIVE LIVE for the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIVES UNTIL THE NEXT ONE®, and you don’t want to miss any of the festivities.

First things first: Our good friend and the only PhD on staff here, Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D, will be live-blogging the events right here on this very website. Bring your cocktails, your snarky comments, and your huddled masses and join us for what should be a debauch-ariffic night with one of the finest live-blogstresses on the planet. And if you think I’m kidding, YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Secondly also too, Detective Bunk Moreland, The Bowtie and Magic Sam will all be Live-Tweeting the evening from our respective and extremely partisan parties across the Denver area; You may follow the updates and contribute by searching #DDPElection and by using that hashtag in your own tweets. It’s like you’re a part of the show, only not really because you haven’t given money to our reelection campaign so obviously it’s just like real Democracy.

You don’t want to miss this! Election results! Grab-assery! Dick Jokes!

You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only be using the EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGE!!!!1!ONE!!

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