Hail to the #Failskins

20130107-224202.jpgWhen Robert Griffin (RG)III, the young star quarterback of the Washington Racists Redskins caught his toe in the chewed-up turf at FedEx Field® on Sunday night as he fell across the sideline in a vain attempt to put his team two touchdowns ahead of the Seattle Sea Hawks, his resultant gimpy hop/walk back to the huddle sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of all Sons of Washington.

The federal district, not the state. Those football-watching Washingtonians who get to have U.S. Senators and some semblance of autonomy from Congress instead found themselves salivating like Pavlov’s pomeranian at the prospect of three quarters against badly damaged opposition, and who could blame them? It was pre-obvious that our most precious resource (RGIII, to hell with The Children), would be kept in far too long at the risk of his health and the Skins’ hopes of advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

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The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
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Week Nine Warpath: If Carolina Wins, We Lose

A Romney Supporter

If I was to tell you that there is an event that predicts the outcome of the presidential election with 95% accuracy, you would probably like to know what it is. ‘Cause then you can lay down some sweet parlays, and THEN you’ll be able to afford your medications when President Mitt Romney signs an Executive Order declaring Obamacare to be a white myth, like Larry Bird and Colorado.

What is this magickal leading indicator?? [Read more…]

Redskins Rewind: Bob Griffin’s Bad Day at the Office

One of the side benefits of having RGThreesus is that the Skins’ games are being picked up on a larger share of the nation’s TeeVee networks than ever before. Sports bars are fun and all but can get tiresome, and I’m definitely too broke to justify getting DirecTV® solely to watch mah hometown team on NFL Sunday Ticket™. So it was nice to be able to watch the game at my gym and enhance mah girly figure rather than detract from it.

Or, it could have been nice. As it happened there was very little to be pleased about on Sunday, as them SKEINS were exposed as a poorly coached mediocrity of a football team. Shorn of virtually every skill player on the team except Bob Griffin, the Redskins had no answer to a Pittsburgh Steelers team that is now 15-1 in its last 16 home games against NFC opposition.
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Redskins Rewind: Week Seven



Good afternoon, semi-literate peasants, and welcome to another episode of Redskins Rewind, where your correspondent delivers a post-mortem of the Sons of Washington’s most recent match.

Later in the week, this vaunted sports periodical will host a discussion of whatever Skins-related topic has been trending in the god damn librul media, and I’ll preemptively eulogize the Pittsburgh Steelers, who will surely be vanquished on Sunday by the holy hands of RGThreesus.

You may ask yourself: “Do I recall seeing a ‘Redskins Rewind’ for weeks one through six of smash mouth footbaw?”

You do not, and this time it’s not because of your early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease. Rather, it is because your dutiful correspondent had dutifully neglected to write anything about them Skeinz. But those days are OVER, you guys.

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Mitt Romney Has Never Experienced Morning Wood

Monday Monday Monday, oh how I loathe thee.

You there, peasant. Is your name Dennis, perhaps?


Well that’s okay. Feel free to procrastinate doing anything productive and read about the silly things going on in the world instead, for freedom.

Faced with polling and statistical models that suggest that the 2012 presidential contest is slipping out of the well-manicured hands of Willard, Lord Mittens of Romney, his campaign is resorting to that most desperate of countermeasures: to actually be specific about his policy prescriptions for America.

Heretofore, the the 2012 R-Money campaign (which began precisely six seconds after his ludicrous 2008 primary concession speech to the victorious John “WALNUTS” McCain) had focused on the stagnant economy and the specious argument that a Wall Street biznes suit knows best how to heal an economy that had been taken to the brink by the unchecked speculative excesses and criminality of other Wall Street biznes suits. [Read more…]

Actually, We Do Know Who Won the Bailey/Portis Trade

My dear friend and co-editor of this family-friendly news magazine, The Bunk, wrote a lovely piece waxing poetic about the career of one Clinton Portis, who announced his retirement yesterday and summarily launched a million articles asking who won the trade between the Broncos and Redskins for his services.

On the other end of that trade, you’ll remember (or maybe you won’t; I have zero idea how much pot you’ve smoked, hippie) that the Broncos got future Hall of Fame Cornerback, party animal and oddly-shaped-head-guy Champ Bailey, who has remained in the Broncos defense and has, for nearly a decade now, effectively cut off an entire side of the field to the passing game of lesser quarterbacks from other teams.

Comparing each team’s haul in the trade and defining who “got the better deal” is folly in his mind; tantamount to asking “Is Amurrka the Greatest Nation on Earth?” and other “silly parlor games.”

The truth is, we do know who won the trade. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood – Appetite at 25

There aren’t all that many music albums that have come out and completely changed the way I look at music. Metallica’s …And Justice for All, U2’s Under a Blood Red Sky.

And the debut album from a Los Angeles-based rock band: 1987’s Appetite for Destruction by Guns N’ Roses. Which turns 25 this month. Which makes me feel extraordinarily old.

Of course, we all know the story from there. Axl Rose, the mercurial lead singer of GNR, became too big for his white-leather britches after a couple years of success, when his insanity was given a checkbook and a mandate to be as loony as possible. When the frontman melts down, it’s only a matter of time.

Not that there wasn’t good stuff to come for GNR after Appetite; the “November Rain” video still gives me chills, and I love hearing Axl’s whiny “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” when it comes on the radio.

But all in all, GNR failed to reach the heights — mostly unexpected — they’d achieved with Appetite. It changed a lot of teenage boys’ lives. Drew Magary has an excellent article compiling thoughts and memories on the album from celebrities and readers alike. Enjoy.

On to the Links: [Read more…]

Race Week Continues: The Generational Quarterback?

Via National Football Authority
Imagine that you are the general manager of the Indianapolis Colts. Do not close your eyes, but take a moment to truly imagine this circumstance. It is April 26, 2012, and you are one year removed from one of the greatest 13-year runs in NFL history. In those thirteen years, with Peyton Manning under center, your team won 147 out of 208 games, eight division titles, two AFC titles and one Super Bowl. Your fans watched arguably the game’s greatest quarterback play every game in that span. Since Manning’s second season, your team had been a legitimate Super Bowl contender every year.

Then, armed with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, you released Peyton Manning on March 7th. Manning wound up in Denver after a whirlwind tour while your Colts organization had to decide on the franchise quarterback that you would draft with the 1st overall pick in April. Fortunately for you, one of the best quarterback prospects in the history of the NFL was on the board. You had total control of this year’s draft, sitting in the enviable position of being able to draft a sure-fire franchise quarterback.

This prospect’s physical tools include exceptional accuracy, great arm strength, and extraordinary athleticism. As a three-year collegiate starter, he threw for 10,366 yards, 78 touchdowns, and only 17 interceptions. His completion percentage was 67.1%. Last season alone, he threw for 4,293 yards, 37 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions. In three years, he prospect led his program from the depths of college football irrelevance to double-digit win seasons and bowl victories. This guy is a can’t miss prospect, a once-in-a-generation talent, and you are sitting on the number one pick in the draft.

And then, you drafted Andrew Luck. [Read more…]

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