Son Of Debateatron 2012: The Vice Squad

[Editor’s Note: Here, reproduced in all its boozy glory, is Mlle. Bébé Gottbach’s strong take on last night’s 2012 Vice Presidential Debate in which Handsome Joe Biden told Paul Ryan (R-Holy Roman Empire) to STFU and GTFO.

Here’s the debate in its entirety:

And here are summaries and analysis from the Huffington Post, the Washington Post, Politico, the Guardian, and lastly Faux News.

It’s Friday, so have a drink or six before lunch and celebrate this festival of democracy.]

HEY AUDIENCE, SHUT UP.

Right. Got my drank. Got my livestream. Got my crappy attitude and sarcasm all strapped on…. let’s party.

GASP in amazement at Paul “I’m Catholic, but charity is for bitches” Ryan’s thousand yard, blue eyed, P90X loving stare! ALSO GASP at the goofy shit Joe “Uncle Joe” Biden verbally vomits, and yet still somehow manages to come off as likable and “Actually That Guy We Hired To Help Run Shit.” [Read more…]

Joe Biden Has Morning Wood For Paul Ryan’s Female Relations

Youse guyz,

Handsome Joe Biden (D-Amtrak) and Freddie Munster Paul Ryan (R-Ayn) will face off in an epic debate about foreign and domestic policy tonight at 9:00 Eastern / 7:00 Mountain Time. These historic proceedings will be moderated by ABC News’s Chief Foreign Correspondent Martha Raddatz, who we can only hope will manage better than the hapless Jim Lehrer.

Our own Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D. will be live-blogging the proceedings beginning a few minutes beforehand; do have a look at her memorable improv performance during last week’s Presidential Debate wherein the humanesque Mitt Romney bamboozled Barry Bamz with lies, damned lies, and statistics.

The format will be nine segments beginning with a question from Frau Raddatz, two-minute responses from each candidate, and then a discussion. Here’s a preview of the proceedings: [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Not Waving the White Flag

Big weekend for sports, you guys. Lots going on and I had a great time, first watching my Grizzlies demolish the Golden Pandas of Northern Colorado on Saturday and then watching the first half of Broncos/Patriots before I had to go to a wedding. It was a special day.

But somehow, some way, after a game in which Peyton Manning threw for 350 yards, three touchdowns and no interceptions on more than 40 attempts, there are those who would call for the dreaded Tim Tebow. Proving once and for all that the internet is for nothing but fanbois and bedwetters, the threads sprung up almost immediately after Denver went to 2-3 on the season (playing maybe the toughest early-season schedule in the league), threads with names like “But… I thought Tebow was the problem” and “Sure glad we spent $98 million and got rid of that loser Tebow” and “I’m desperate for attention and John Elway is Dumb; the Tim Tebow is a martyr story.”

Far be it from me to make fun of the bedwetters, crying in their non-alcoholic beer and begging for a return to the three-and-out offense that was so effective that was mildly effective that helped us back into the playoffs going 0-3 in the last three games including a 7-3 loss AT HOME to the fucking Chiefs, but let’s get something clear right now.

If Tim Tebow was still the starter in Denver (and no, I can’t believe I’m having to write about this either), we wouldn’t be 2-3. We wouldn’t be 5-0, and would likely be closer to 1-4. With Tebow, we would have beaten the Raiders. Not in the fashion we did, where we repeatedly gave them swirlies in a dirty toilet and took their lunch money for four quarters, but probably in a mistake-addled three quarters followed by a fourth quarter where Tim plays TebowBall and suddenly pulls a touchdown out of his ass. Yee-fucking-haw.

To intone that we’re not better off with a better quarterback under center is just retarded.

Tebow fanbois, stop being retarded. That’s an order. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is Training for a Half Marathon

Because we are unrepentant Soshulists, the editors of and contributors to this Vanguard of the Fourth Estate celebrated Labor Day yester-day by not bothering to labor on behalf of our three readers (Hi Mom!).

But now we must all return to the munitions factory, the better with which to spread FREEDUMB and other distinctly American values to all corners of the earth without regard to whether that is a sensible idea.

The Democratic National Convention starts today in Charlotte, North Carolina. Charlotte is a pure fabrication, a city that only exists in its present form because of the mergers of banks that were already too big to begin with, only became big because all of their liabilities were implicitly guaranteed by taxpayers, and then metastasized further until the financial system had a stroke from which it has not yet recovered. Bammers Hussein will accept his party’s re-nomination at Bank of America Stadium, a football arena sponsored by an admitted corporate felon.

Do not pay any attention to the DNCee. There has not been a meaningful national convention since 1952, and if anything actually happens we’ll let you know.

Now to the links, you provincial rubes! [Read more…]

Misleading Your Morning Wood

All three of our readers demand and deserve top-notch political reporting from The Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for Jesus®, we would cover it live when we wake up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.

Well, something happened, you guys. P90X enthusiast, champion of austerity and the guy who pushed grandma off a cliff, Paul Ryan, Wisconsinite and Vice Presidential Candidate, spoke.

He spoke of President Barack Obama’s failed leadership, the promises he made to keep a GM factory open in Michigan (which subsequently closed), of the blame the President put at the feet of the prior administration, and then admonished him for not supporting a deficit commission report.

Wow. I mean, he really took it to the President on a whole host of levels, and really bruised him up pretty good. [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Let’s All Laugh at the Red Sox

Rooting for the Boston Red Sox is a harmless and quintessentially American youthful dalliance, like cocaine and conservatism. It’s all so exciting and new but the lustre eventually fades and all that remains is the inescapable truth: You have better things to do with your time than to engage in such frivolity.

For a brief period wherein Messrs. Theo Epstein and Terry “Tito” Francona ran the front office and dugout, respectively, the FACKIN’ SAWX did a passable imitation of a competent ball club, winning two championships and issuing regular beatdowns to the hated Noo Yawk Yankees. But all of that is over; Epstein slinked off to Chicago, Francona has presumably taken up a quiet life of hitting on younger women, and the Sox have re-occupied their rightful and historically accurate place below the Baltimore Orioles in the American League East standings.

At 57 wins and 60 losses in their 162-game regular season schedule, the baseball Wes Welkers are 12.5 games behind the loathed Yankees and 6.5 games out of contention for a Wild Card playoff berth. Should they finish the season with a losing record, it will be their first since 1997.

Yes, dear readers, it would appear that the wheels are falling off. Not for the first time this season, internal strife is leaking out to the Boston media that loves nothing more than to participate actively in Fenway meltdowns. Former Sawx General Manager Dan Duquette is drinking their milkshake from his perch in scenic Baltimore, Maryland as the GM of the rejuvenated Orioles, and Beantown’s greatest baseball servant Johnny Pesky departed this world on Monday, leaving behind a 60-year career as a player, manager, and broadcaster.

Many of the devotees of Pedroiah Nation are concerned that the Red Sox ownership has spread itself too thin after taking on the challenge of reviving the legendary Liverpool Football Club, an under-performing member of the English Premier League Brought to You by Barclays® PLC. This may or may not be true, but why don’t you try to explain the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy to Tommy from Quincy in between his sets of bench-pressing your underage cousin, and let me know how that works out for you.

To the links, young Padawans! [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Public Fisticuffs

… let’s just move on.

Your humble correspondent, as he will occasionally do, posted some factual assertions about one Paul D. “Eat the Poor” Ryan immediately following his ascension as running mate to Mexican Space Lizard from the Planet Kolob, horse enthusiast and occasional taxpayer Willard, Mittens of Romney. In this screed, what was written were the exact policy platforms that he has laid out during his 14 years sucking the government teat while simultaneously despising government in the US House of Representatives. None of these assertions were false. That they didn’t look very good written down is a reflection of the policies, not a reflection of me posting them.

But this is our Fox News climate, where everything is up for debate, truths become lies, facts become arguable, and people get fucking mad, man. [Read more…]

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