Hail to the #Failskins

20130107-224202.jpgWhen Robert Griffin (RG)III, the young star quarterback of the Washington Racists Redskins caught his toe in the chewed-up turf at FedEx Field® on Sunday night as he fell across the sideline in a vain attempt to put his team two touchdowns ahead of the Seattle Sea Hawks, his resultant gimpy hop/walk back to the huddle sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of all Sons of Washington.

The federal district, not the state. Those football-watching Washingtonians who get to have U.S. Senators and some semblance of autonomy from Congress instead found themselves salivating like Pavlov’s pomeranian at the prospect of three quarters against badly damaged opposition, and who could blame them? It was pre-obvious that our most precious resource (RGIII, to hell with The Children), would be kept in far too long at the risk of his health and the Skins’ hopes of advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

[Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more…]

Redskins Rewind: Bob Griffin’s Bad Day at the Office

One of the side benefits of having RGThreesus is that the Skins’ games are being picked up on a larger share of the nation’s TeeVee networks than ever before. Sports bars are fun and all but can get tiresome, and I’m definitely too broke to justify getting DirecTV® solely to watch mah hometown team on NFL Sunday Ticket™. So it was nice to be able to watch the game at my gym and enhance mah girly figure rather than detract from it.

Or, it could have been nice. As it happened there was very little to be pleased about on Sunday, as them SKEINS were exposed as a poorly coached mediocrity of a football team. Shorn of virtually every skill player on the team except Bob Griffin, the Redskins had no answer to a Pittsburgh Steelers team that is now 15-1 in its last 16 home games against NFC opposition.
[Read more…]

And Then on Friday, The Morning Wood LOLed at Tim Tebow

Oh, praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) for it is Friday, our weekly day of coasting at work and getting schlitzed on moonshine. And not necessarily in that order.

The search term of the week is “Romney will abolish the Securities & Exchange Commission”. You heard it here first, folks.

To the links, you silly fucks! [Read more…]

Redskins Rewind: Week Seven



Good afternoon, semi-literate peasants, and welcome to another episode of Redskins Rewind, where your correspondent delivers a post-mortem of the Sons of Washington’s most recent match.

Later in the week, this vaunted sports periodical will host a discussion of whatever Skins-related topic has been trending in the god damn librul media, and I’ll preemptively eulogize the Pittsburgh Steelers, who will surely be vanquished on Sunday by the holy hands of RGThreesus.

You may ask yourself: “Do I recall seeing a ‘Redskins Rewind’ for weeks one through six of smash mouth footbaw?”

You do not, and this time it’s not because of your early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease. Rather, it is because your dutiful correspondent had dutifully neglected to write anything about them Skeinz. But those days are OVER, you guys.

[Read more…]

Mitt Romney Has Never Experienced Morning Wood

Monday Monday Monday, oh how I loathe thee.

You there, peasant. Is your name Dennis, perhaps?


Well that’s okay. Feel free to procrastinate doing anything productive and read about the silly things going on in the world instead, for freedom.

Faced with polling and statistical models that suggest that the 2012 presidential contest is slipping out of the well-manicured hands of Willard, Lord Mittens of Romney, his campaign is resorting to that most desperate of countermeasures: to actually be specific about his policy prescriptions for America.

Heretofore, the the 2012 R-Money campaign (which began precisely six seconds after his ludicrous 2008 primary concession speech to the victorious John “WALNUTS” McCain) had focused on the stagnant economy and the specious argument that a Wall Street biznes suit knows best how to heal an economy that had been taken to the brink by the unchecked speculative excesses and criminality of other Wall Street biznes suits. [Read more…]

Just Livin’ the Dream, Bro

OH HEY, happy Monday you no-talent ass clowns!

Do you remember your dreams? Your correspondent rarely does unless they are especially annoying or terrifying, like being sentenced to hard labor on Newt Gingrich’s moon colony, mining precious stones to make trinkets for his Aryan wife of the week. I’m sure I deserve it for something I’ve done in life.

The dreams I tend to remember are in a class I call “frustrated athlete” dreams. At the beginning of ski season I find myself driving up to the base of the mountain, looking forward to a great day ripping through the trees with my harem of ski bunnies. This should be outlandish enough to wake me immediately, but the iron laws of logic, probability, and physics become mere suggestions in the dream state. Case in point: I keep pinching myself / stabbing myself in the face with a red-hot retractable pencil, and after three years America still has a black president. THAT DON’T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE! [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: