Everyone Knows You’re Horrible: NFL Replacement Refs Leave a Lot to be Desired

I’d love to be writing about the Denver Broncos this morning. About how their starters looked as good as I could have hoped for, about how the depth is… non-existent, and how if anyone gets hurt on this team, the Broncos will be left to wander though the desert with Moses and Tebow.

I’d love to talk about the team playing with an actual gameplan and looking great. I’d like to talk about Peyton Manning looking like the Peyton Manning of old, slinging the ball all over the yard and throwing receivers open en route to 10/12 passing for two touchdowns  and getting out of the game before the end of the first quarter. I’m itching to praize Jeebus for ERIC FACKIN’ DECKAH, the recipient of both of Peyton’s TD passes, but that might just be the ol’ Saigon Rose flaring up.

In any case, DECKAH is the new WELKAH for a new GENARRAYSHAN. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We could talk about the upcoming cuts for the Broncos, some of which aren’t going to be as tough as I initially thought since our backups look absolutely abysmal.

I’d love to talk about any of this. But I won’t. I can’t, because I have to get something off my chest first.

/removes sports bra

There, that’s better. Now, we’ve GOTTA talk about this replacement referee situation, you guys. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood – Appetite at 25

There aren’t all that many music albums that have come out and completely changed the way I look at music. Metallica’s …And Justice for All, U2’s Under a Blood Red Sky.

And the debut album from a Los Angeles-based rock band: 1987’s Appetite for Destruction by Guns N’ Roses. Which turns 25 this month. Which makes me feel extraordinarily old.

Of course, we all know the story from there. Axl Rose, the mercurial lead singer of GNR, became too big for his white-leather britches after a couple years of success, when his insanity was given a checkbook and a mandate to be as loony as possible. When the frontman melts down, it’s only a matter of time.

Not that there wasn’t good stuff to come for GNR after Appetite; the “November Rain” video still gives me chills, and I love hearing Axl’s whiny “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” when it comes on the radio.

But all in all, GNR failed to reach the heights — mostly unexpected — they’d achieved with Appetite. It changed a lot of teenage boys’ lives. Drew Magary has an excellent article compiling thoughts and memories on the album from celebrities and readers alike. Enjoy.

On to the Links: [Read more…]

Orton Release Gives QB New Life

"God, I can't wait to get out of here."

If you didn’t know this already, professional football is a different occupation than the ones you and I have.

Imagine working somewhere. You go to work every day, give all you’ve got to the organization. You have some successes, too. No, your stock isn’t the highest, and you haven’t bested every competitor. But you’re winning certain battles, losing others, and looking fairly good while doing so.

Then your boss comes to you and tells you to enter a backup role, since there’s a hotter prospect with some new ideas. Not only are you not taking the lead on projects, you’re barely there; a footnote in the history of the organization.

This is what happened to Kyle Orton, who rode a good Chicago defense in his rookie campaign to an 11-5 record while Rex Grossman was injured, made the playoffs, and then was promptly benched as soon as Grossman was healthy. Just didn’t seem right.

[Read more…]

An Existential Football Crisis


Hemingway called it “The White Bull”, that blank white space where typeface is supposed to go. And right now, I’m staring down The White Bull.

What can you say about a quarterback who doesn’t throw? What would you say about a running back who doesn’t run, or a wideout who doesn’t catch, or a defensive tackle who doesn’t tackle? It simply goes against every truth I’ve ever known in football, and I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. The entire thing is a contradiction.

[Read more…]

Occupy Easy Street: Week 11 NFL Picks

Happy Thursday, degenerates. You’ve almost made it to the weekend. And as much as I know you’d just looooooove to read about my Montana Grizzlies taking on the suddenly #1 ranked Montana State Bobcats this weekend, we just don’t have time to get into the 111th meeting between these two titans, so let’s get right to it.

Picks in bold.

Thursday Night Special
New York Jets (-6.5) at Denver
Man, six and a half is a lot of points, but let’s be honest here: If Rex Ryan isn’t supremely prepared for Tim Tebow’s idiotic “shotgun snap, run into the back of his guard” offense, he should probably go back to making foot fetish porn. Fact is, Ryan’s book on coaching defense dedicates an entire chapter to defending the option play. And since that’s the only thing Tebow is capable of running, I don’t anticipate a good result. Over/under is set at 40, and I’d bang the under like this one girl I used to bang a lot. Between the Tebow Shit Show and Mark Sanchez missing receivers by a mile, we may very well see two completions — total — between the teams this week.
I also wanted to add that while I think Tim Tebow’s inability to run a pro-style offense is atrocious, and while I believe he’s only useful running the option — and I’m right on both counts, by the way — I don’t have anything against him personally. I’ve been called a “hater” by many because of my opinion, but as a Bronco fan, would I not benefit from Tebow proving me wrong? I just don’t think he will, because I don’t think he can, because he’s not good at the one thing that is required from an NFL quarterback.

(-6) at Tennessee
Again, a lot of points. Again, Tennessee doesn’t have a shot. Atlanta’s angry coming off that overtime loss to New Orleans, and they’re not about to let Matt Hasselback get the better of them.

Buffalo (+2) at Miami
I couldn’t believe the Bills were being so disrespected by the oddsmakers to be dogs on the road against a terrible Miami team. When in doubt, check to see if Tim Tebow has ever beaten the team in question. Four weeks ago, he did just that to the Dolphins. Bills are the pick.

Cincinnati (+7) at Baltimore
Is star rookie wideout AJ Green going to suit up this week for Cincy? In trying to find out, I did an exhaustive (read: 3 seconds) Google search on “Bengals week 11 injuries” and ended up at the Bleacher Report. Now I’m not one to tell you what to do, but if you’re regularly reading the tripe on BleacherReport.com, you should probably stop what you’re doing and just go ahead and kill yourself. Be sure to leave a nice note.

Jacksonville (PK) at Cleveland
/fart noise
This was tough to pick. I mean, you’ve got a shitty, experienced quarterback lacing up for the Factory of Sadness Brownstains going against a shitty, inexperienced quarterback dressing for the South Georgia Meth Lab Jagwads. I guess I’ll take the shitty quarterback playing at home.
By the way, if you live in the viewing area for this game, I feel very, very sorry for you. Go to the bar and watch real football teams play real football. Or stay at home and self-mutilate. Your choice.

Oakland (-1) at Minnesota
I wouldn’t pick Oakland for much outside of a firing squad, but here we are. This is what you’ve been reduced to, Vikings. Proper punishment for employing Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb in successive years.

Carolina (+7) at Detroit
Detroit’s about to go on a run. Three of their next four are at home, and their lone road game during that stretch is with the very-beatable Saints and their suspect pass defense. Lions, big.

Tampa Bay (+14) at Green Bay
Last time Green Bay was a 14 point favorite after midseason, this happened:
And then this happened:
Not anticipating anything similar this weekend. Sorry, Tampa. You suck again.

Dallas (-7.5) at Washington
Remember week 3? Me either, as my brain is clogged with 32 years worth of malted hops and bong resin, so let’s refresh your (read: my) memory: The Redskins were a big story in the league with their Rex Grossman-led offense and their 2-0 record. Mike Shanahan was being celebrated by Redskins fans (like The Bunk) for his Shanaplan, impressive running game and passable quarterback play. Since the Skeeeeeeeins lost that game, Cooch Shanaplan has gone 1-5, and everything sucks again in the Beltway.
                                   Oooh, I’m gonna poop in that helmet when everyone leaves.

The Cowboys, even taking into account the Tony Romo being awful effect, should cover easily. Because the Redskins are awful at football. But they’re good at being casually racist.

Arizona (+9.5) at San Francisco
As the kids are saying, “LOL.”

Seattle (+1.5) at St. Louis
Seattle is a cooler city. Both teams suck, and I was tempted to take St. Louis at home given that they employ noted Tebow-hater Brandon Lloyd. However, they also employ noted moron Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator, which is enough for me to pick against them until the end of time. For no reason, here’s a picture of McDaniels at his introductory Broncos press conference:

San Diego (+3.5) at Chicago
When in doubt, remember that Philip Rivers, no matter how poorly he’s playing going into a game, has always and will always own Jay Cutler’s pouting ass. Rivers will laserfloat the Bolts to a victory, helped by Frown Cannon’s six interceptions. Gonna be epic, brah.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at New York Giants
This was going to be the week that the Eagles got off the schneid, but with Vick out … /sad trombone … and Vince Young likely to start … /SAD TROMBONE … Vince, don’t give up on your suicide. See that thing through.

Monday Night
Kansas City (+14.5) at New England
Excuse me, but if Timothy Richard Tebow did what he did against Kansas City, Tom Brady is about to run a train on these fools. The Todd Haley Firing Clock is about 3 minutes from going off. Don’t be surprised if he gets canned at halftime.
Oh, AND Matt Cassel met Von Miller this week, so he spent most of his Sunday looking like this…

I wonder if he’ll cry himself to sleep in a pile of 60 million dollar bills. That’s what I’d do.

Enjoy the games, you ungrateful snobs. And remember, if she doesn’t find you handsome, she should at least find you handy.

Tim Tebow is Not a Quarterback


Tim Tebow is winning football games.

Tim Tebow is a winner. A gamer. A leader of men.

Tim Tebow is not a quarterback. He’s something else. Something more? Maybe. But in order to be something more, don’t you have to be the “something” first?

I’ve been a Broncos fan since about 1985 or so. I was six years old in 1985, making my relationship with the Denver Broncos the longest relationship I’ve had to date. It is among the most traumatic as well, which given my history with women is really something. I digress.

In that time – a solid 26 years – I’ve watched:

  • one great quarterback (John Elway);
  • good quarterbacks (Jake Plummer, Jay Cutler);
  • mediocre quarterbacks (Kyle Orton, Brian Griese); and
  • awful quarterbacks (Danny Kanell, Bill Musgrave, Bradlee Van Pelt).

Not once, not one single time, did I stop watching a game because I was bored.

On Sunday, in my living room in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, from approximately 12:10 to approximately 1:45, let it be known that Arthur Digby Sellers took a boredom nap. Game was on, but I was asleep.

I think it says a lot that the nap – not the victory – was the highlight of my Sunday.

It’s not that I’ve stopped loving the Broncos; I most certainly have not. But I hate, abhor, cannot stand watching my favorite NFL team run a high school offense simply because God’s Fullback, Tim Tebow, is incapable of throwing an accurate pass. If I want to watch high school football, I’ll go to a high school football game. I can bring my own booze. I don’t get frisked at the door. And those high school girls, man… I get older, they stay the same age .

Don’t be confused. I’m a Broncos fan and I’m glad they defeated a bad Kansas City team on the road in a tough environment. However, with every victory the Broncos move further away from the ability to draft a quarterback who can actually throw a square out, a screen pass that doesn’t bounce, and a crossing route that actually connects with his receiver.

I am not advocating a return to Kyle Orton as starter, or God forbid Brady Quinn. Neither of them has shown a propensity to run a pro-style offense effectively either, and that’s what I want to see. Is it asking too much to see a professional team look professional while playing other professional teams?

I’m not expecting a straight-up drop-back quarterback, and neither is Bronco President John Elway: “Tim’s going to have to throw the ball the rest of the year, there’s no question,” Elway said. “We want Tim to be able to throw from the pocket, (but) we’re not trying to make him a pocket passer.”

First of all, notice how Elway basically said Tebow is the starter for the rest of the year. Fine. I can handle that.

Second, look at how he’s not trying to change Tebow’s entire game. Tebow is a runner, and there’s no changing that. But he does have to be able to throw from the pocket, because that’s what makes him a quarterback, and not a fullback.

I’ve never seen the cult-like outpouring of support for just plain bad quarterback play like we’ve seen in Denver for Tim Tebow. And as a quarterback, the man leaves a lot to be desired. Mostly because he’s not a quarterback, which is the complaint I’ve had about him since he arrived in Denver.

Tim Tebow is a fullback. Period. The way this Bronco offense is being run proves that fact. His knuckleball tosses, frequently late and in the dirt show it even more. Tebow is basically Donovan McNabb, but less accurate.

His ceiling is that of an option quarterback. What you saw Sunday – 2/8 passing, 69 yards, 1 TD, with 40+ yards in rushing and another TD – is as good as it will get.

Now ask yourself:

  • if that’s going to get it done against a better team than the Chiefs;
  • if that’s good enough in the playoffs; and
  • if you can honestly see the option being the sole offensive philosophy of a team in the Super Bowl.

Now ask yourself if Tim Tebow is really a quarterback.

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