The Morning Wood Is Dressing Like a Skank for Halloween


Happy Halloween, you pagan revelers!

Before you go off trading sexual favors for Fun Size™ high fructose corn syrup treats please do bring yourself up to speed on the pressing questions of the day, like whether or not to wear underwear with your naughty librarian outfit. Oh and also current events.

As Magic Sam chronicled yester-day, Willard, Lord High Mittens de Romneyshire is having a rough go of it in Ohio, a state he needs to win to have a realistic shot at sending Bammers Hussein back to Kenya where he belongs. This morning, Politico weighs in on Romney and his ever-shrinking window of opportunity. FiveThirtyEight reports that while Hurricane Sandy is probably not going to swing any state towards a different presidential candidate, voter turnout in the northeastern blue states is likely to be impacted. This raises the not-insignificant probability that Barry O’Bummer could win the Electoral College and lose the national popular vote. 

Lest you think that Amercia has become a color blind nation because we elected a half-brown person to the Oval Office, this newspaper will disabuse you of such idle daydreaming. According to the Associated Press, fully 51 percent of Americans explicitly express prejudice against black people. The remaining 47 percent of poll responders were just moochers, and 2 percent were too high on methamphetamines to give an intelligible answer, according to figures that Mitt Romney made up.

When the survey participants completed a test of implicit racial attitudes, raycessm’s margin of victory increased to 56 percent. This percentage of people who self-identify as biased against dahhkies has increased since 2008, when only 49 percent of Americans revealed themselves to be backward-thinking embarrassments.

In case you were wondering how these figures broke down by political party affiliation, Slate has analyzed the survey’s crosstabs and declared that 79 percent of registered Republicans explicitly feel uncomfortable around TEH BLAX, while some 32 percent of Democrats do as well. Interestingly, the results of the implicit racial attitude survey narrowed that gap, 64 percent and 55 percent respectively.

This is telling: According to this survey there are many GOPers who have basically been trained to have a knee-jerk reaction against blacks even if their racial attitudes don’t imply bigotry, while a significant number of Democrats won’t admit to being racist jerks.

To be fair, at least we ‘Mericans are equal opportunity haters. The figures for prejucide against Latinos were virtually identical to the figures for blacks. A 2011 survey showed that 52 percent of Americans had an explicit, irrational fear of chilaquiles and Tapatio sauce while 57 percent expressed implicit hatred for Messicans.

Former Arkansas governor Mike “The Huckster” Huckabee is at it again, you guyz. Last time we heard from the Huckster, he was celebrating our cherished corporate right to make gays second class citizens by stuffing factory-farmed avian carcasses into his gullet, 4 freedom.

This time, he has an advertisement suggesting that you will burn in hell for all eternity if you cast a vote against God’s Plan™, which just so happens to line up perfectly with Schmuckabee’s medieval, paternalistic worldview!

It must be so awesome to have the Creator of the Universe agree with you on everything. I’m gonna invent an imaginary friend too, that’ll show em.

So, young lambs of the Christian God, in case you were considering casting your vote based in important issues like Barry Obama’s foreign policy or Mitt Romney’s views on federal emergency assistance, think again. The only issue that matters is whether the government should be allowed to regulate female reproductive processes (it should, obviously), so much so that if you cast a vote against Stone Age papist dogma you will yourself be cast into a lake of fire to burn in eternity with the gays, and the libruls, and the Muslins, and the loose womyn, and the disobedient children, and the apostates, and NOBAMA, and the heretics, and the fruit bats, and the breakfast cereals, and the heathens, and the pagans, and the RINOs, and the Jews, forever and ever, Amen.

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