Win Money Here!

According to a statistic from my more-than-faulty memory, I’m better than .500 this year on NFL picks. So HIGH FIVE, we can all make money gambling on professional sporting men running into each other at high rates of speed! EXCELSIOR!

Lots of crazy things happening with NFL bets recently. Last night’s Seahawks/Niners game had an estimated $75 Million swing in the closing moments when noted psychopath Jim Harbaugh declined a safety on a penalty in the end zone in order to take over possession and run out the clock, leaving the game with a 7 point win when the line was 7.5. Oops. Sorry, people who took the Niners laying points. That’s why you SHOULDN’T GAMBLE, is what someone would say if they were sanctimonious assholes. Which I very clearly am not.

Of course, last week was almost thrown into upheaval when Denver spotted the Chargers 24 points and looked like two retards humping a doorknob for the better part of the first half. Then of course, Peyton Manning happened and we all lived happily ever after and got to laugh at Philip Rivers doing Philip Rivers things the end. Hooray for that. And hooray for winning.

Speaking of winning, let’s heal the rift in this most contentious political season. With winning. Winning the way it was intended: together.

Home teams, as always, in CAPS. Let’s GET IT ON. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is A Shell of Its Former Self

What can you say about the Chargers in the second half that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Those motherfuckers were bombed-out and depleted, thinking they’d already won a game that was only half over.

And now, the silliness begins.

Can you beLIEVE there are still those holding on to the notion that Denver should not have signed Peyton fucking Manning? Can you beLIEVE that there are folks out there who think the only quarterback capable of a comeback lives in New Jersey and wears number 15?

I want you to think about the idea of Tim Tebow still being this team’s starter, and whether Denver would have won that game last night. And if you think there’s any chance — any at all, even with Tebow’s god-given comebacks — I want you to punch yourself in the face, dunk your head in water, punch yourself again, and rejoin all of us in reality.

The answer is no. No way. No chance. Tim Tebow’s record against good teams (as the Chargers most certainly are, though they obviously don’t know how to salt away a game after giving up a 10 point lead last week and a 24 point lead last night) is abysmal. YES, “he beat” the Steelers in the playoffs, a team that was injured and old and not all that good, and gave us a wonderful memory. I know. The idea of him leading a comeback of 24 points while throwing the football is laughable, and the truth is he likely would have derped around until the fourth quarter, finally getting two touchdowns in garbage time near the end.

Not good enough.

Know who is good enough? Denver’s new quarterback. And I submit that it’s games like last night which make you go out and pay nearly $100 million for Peyton Manning.

As for me, I’m a wreck. After a game in which I’d nearly written off my team for the remainder of the season based on one half of absolutely pathetic football, turned my attitude (and it can be argued, the team) around by switching up my beer drinking strategy (from Coors Banquet to weightier craft offerings, and drinking much, much more). Obviously, I was the difference. Then I hit The Spot for a few shots and celebratory fistpumps. And I woke up still #drunj.

Obviously, I won too. [Read more…]

Burning Barns: Your Broncos/Chargers Monday Night Preview

Broncos! Chargers! Manning! Rivers! Dick jokes! Poop stains!

Exclamation points!

Tonight’s game will be a barn-burner. The over/under is 49.5, and neither team plays particularly good defense. The middle of the Broncos defense is soft like Charmin and the outsides of the Chargers defense are easy. Like Sunday morning (on Monday night). So if you’re a gambling man, put some money down and maybe pay down that lifestyle you already can’t afford.

Honestly, this game could go either way, but in either case it’s going to be one hell of a ride. The line on this game has moved, from -2.5 for San Diego a few days ago to a -1 for Denver in the last 24 hours or so, meaning action in the sports books must be awfully even. Denver is a road favorite, against a team they’ve gone 3-6 against in the last 9 meetings? Believe it, my brothers and sisters, for this is the age of optimism in Colorado, and we’re still “hoping” for “change” in our football team. [Read more…]

Make Every Sunday Count

You guys, I hope you’ll pay attention. Because this is important.

Last night was the final game of week four, and seeing that there are only 16 regular season games for each team in each season, we’ve now reached the point where you start to realize that our time with football is really short.

Really, painfully, horribly short, like my uh… yeah nevermind.

Soon, our Jay Cutlerfucker jokes won’t be funny, and no one will laugh at our #NoRomo hashtag on Twitter. We’ll have to cease with the Peyton NeckAIDS jokes, RG3-13 references, and calling Tom Brady an entitled fuckstain (whose life we would very much like to have).

Our chances to make fun of the Discount Double Check commercials are fleeting; let’s make some hay. (By the way, is Green Bay THAT shitty of a place that everyone on the Packers, as well as Green Bay natives, just hang out at the State Farm Insurance offices? Seriously? Food for thought.)

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the fact is that the end is extremely fucking nigh. We’ve got to make the most out of football season while we are locked in its warm embrace. We must tell it that we love it every chance we get, lest we reach the middle of January and left it wondering about our feelings.

“But Magic Sam,” you’re saying, “How do I make the most of my football experience before football is gone for another long offseason?”

I’m glad you asked, little shaver. I’m glad you asked. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Can Walk Away At Any Time

And when I woke this morning, it was as if nothing had changed at all.

There are still going to be replacement refs on the field. There are still owners justifying that. And — astonishingly — there are still fans of the NFL who are justifying Ginger Hammer Roger Goodell and the owners continuing to lock out the real referees.

To call this a surprise would be an understatement, but there are morons everywhere.

The things I keep hearing from multiple sources is that these refs are doing the best job they can; we shouldn’t be so hard on them; they didn’t ask to be put in this situation; they’re in over their head and shouldn’t be out there in the first place. And I get that. It’s sort of the point of the whole fucking thing.

Yes, the league put them in an unwinnable situation by offering them little training and letting them be the sacrificial lambs while they try to destroy the American worker through bullshit changes to the referee retirement system. Yes, I feel bad for them taking the brunt of what’s going on from fans and media alike.

And yet, it seems to me they could leave (or “retire”) at any time and go back to the fry pit at WackArnolds. They could go back to the Lingerie Football League (oh, wait… no they couldn’t.) They could end all of this — every bit of abuse and all the mean people and bloggers like me and my ilk who just reFUSE to give up on the idea of fairly officiated games — by saying “no mas” and heading back to Idaho or Iowa or wherever the fuck they grow stupid people. What a bunch of pricks we are, demanding that the three hour escape we love called football actually be, you know, on the level.

We are such assholes. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Public Fisticuffs

… let’s just move on.

Your humble correspondent, as he will occasionally do, posted some factual assertions about one Paul D. “Eat the Poor” Ryan immediately following his ascension as running mate to Mexican Space Lizard from the Planet Kolob, horse enthusiast and occasional taxpayer Willard, Mittens of Romney. In this screed, what was written were the exact policy platforms that he has laid out during his 14 years sucking the government teat while simultaneously despising government in the US House of Representatives. None of these assertions were false. That they didn’t look very good written down is a reflection of the policies, not a reflection of me posting them.

But this is our Fox News climate, where everything is up for debate, truths become lies, facts become arguable, and people get fucking mad, man. [Read more…]

Welcome to The Morning Wood

The Morning Wood is a new feature here on the Daily Dickpunch designed to give you a whole new look at the world, with links to help you break out of your sad, pathetic cubicle-centered life and enter into adult discussions with other humanoids in a workplace environment.

“But wait, you lazy dick,” you’ll say. “Isn’t this just ‘The Cockpunch’ with a different, better and funnier name? Why didn’t you guys come up with this name before?” Well, first of all, yes it’s just the Cockpunch with a different and funnier name. It’s exactly the same. We didn’t come up with it before likely because we’re lazy, and sometimes we don’t think of the most adolescent thing until well after the fact. So let’s just leave it alone, eh?

On to the links: [Read more…]

Euro 2012: Oh Please God Make It Stop

Same shit, different year.

Your correspondent has held steadfast to his goal of watching (more or less) every minute of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, at the expense of a balanced social life, physical fitness goals, and general mental health. Watching three hours of fútbol per day for the better part of a month is grueling, but becomes less so once England is customarily eliminated in the quarterfinals in a penalty shoot-out, as was the case yesterday against the Eye-talians.

It’s partly because there is less soccer to be watched once we reach the latter stages of the tournament, but mostly because I can watch the remainder of the competition as a mere neutral observer, hoping for entertainment rather than praying to Thor and His Hammer for every unlikely result that would guide England to glorious victory in the final.

Of course, to get to the final you must find a way not to lose in the quarterfinal. The boys from In-ger-lund have been unable to manage  this since Euro ’96 in England, when playing at the old Wembley Stadium they (rather improbably) beat Spain in a penalty shootout before losing to ze eventual winners, ze Germans, on penalties in the semifinals. England has gone out on spot kicks in major tournaments in 1990, 1996, 1998, 2004, 2006, and now 2012.

/kills self [Read more…]

The Cockpunch: LeBob Finally Wins Edition


It only took him nine years, and to be put into a big market with two other all stars and the best glue guy (Shane Battier) of the last 20 years, and to get almost every call possible on the way, but… sure, Congratulations, LeBob! You’ve proven that if you want something badly enough, and are willing to go to a team already stacked with talent while shunning the people and place that raised you, both as a human as a basketball player, good things can happen to you.

Imagine my relief. On to the links. [Read more…]

Fappin’ in the First: Magic Sam’s Mock Draft

I hate to distract from the simply marvelous other football soccer coverage on this here magazine, but… you guys… The NFL Draft is tonight. Holy shit, you guys, I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write something about one of the greatest spectacles in sports and/or the longest-running violation of American Anti-Trust law. It’s going to be an epic night.

The lights! The cameras! Chris Berman sweating profusely! Mel Kiper’s hair! Mike Mayock’s bizarre-ass, barely-audible-but-that-almost-makes-it-worse-because-is-he-or-isn’t-he lisp! Suits with 12 buttons! Suits with 15 buttons! Merrill Hoge and his Octuple Windsor knot tie! Suzy Kolber (I would hit it)! This chick! (Call me!)

Your intrepid correspondents will be viewing the first round tonight (which is simulcast on both ESPN and NFL Network, and probably on a Spanish language station too; I’m lazy and RAYCESS, so I won’t be providing that information. ¡Arriba!) at the home of one Vincent Casablancas, who in addition to writing strong takes about your Colorado Rockies, has a home properly set up for drinking and viewing television on Denver’s north side.

On the menu: Magic Sam’s Magic Ribs, simmering as I type this in a crock pot of their own juices, various accoutrements and barbecue sauce. For FREEDOM®. Garlic toast, beans and beer will also make an appearance. Gonna be sexy.

But you’re not here to be turned into a drooling mess at your desk by my domesticated prowess in the kitchen (if I could be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, I would. Sadly I’m forced to wear shoes at all times. Something something TERRORISM). You’re here to talk football.

So let’s get our sexy on. Presenting the first three rounds of Broncos Draft Picks, 2012: [Read more…]

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