The Morning Wood is a Lying Sack of Mitt

Last night, the life-like computer simulation Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney accepted the nomination of the Grand Olde Party to deport Bammerz Hussein back to Indonesia/Hawaii/Kenya, the alleged land of his birth, in front of a howling crowd of sheeple whose equivalent of “four legs good, two legs ba-a-a-a-d” was “USA, USA!” as if this was the Olympic Mental Gymnastics competition.

Romneybot will fail, because with every passing day you will hear more stories like this, where it is revealed that not only did Mittenz not save bank depositors $30 million by successfully restructuring Bain & Company as he has told us, he actually fleeced them for $10 million while paying bonuses to executives who could not have earned them by any rational performance measure.

Like all those who rant against the federal gubmint, Mittens Romney and his investors benefited from a federal program (in this case, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation) more than most, and lied about it until they believed the lies to soothe the guilt of their rank hypocrisy.

Something, something, THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, MITTENZ. Maybe the angel Moroni forgot to give that magick plate to Joseph Smith?

Fuck that guy. Let’s go to the links.

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Five In, Five Out: The Bunk’s NFL Playoff Predictions

A funny thing has happened in the last five consecutive seasons of hard charging, smash mouth National Football League FOOTBAW: Of the twelve teams that qualified for the playoffs each year, five of them did not qualify in the prior year.

This metronome-like consistency of turnover in the higher echelons of the league is more-or-less exactly what the league’s owners want. They have done their homework and know that both too much parity and too little parity diminish the interest of spectators, and therefore their shared ticket sales and TeeVee revenue, and we certainly can’t have that.

So, to maximize their profit the owners and players’ union have engineered a system that seems to be operating at something near peak efficiency, apart from that thorny question of what to do with those referees. Has the Ginger Hammer Roger Goodell, a man with all of the democratic instincts of Genghis Khan, finally compromised the league’s brand through his refusal to budge over something that amounts to a fraction of 1% of league revenues? I guess we’ll see in Week One.

Enough flirting. Which 2011 playoff teams will be out of luck in 2012?
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Misleading Your Morning Wood

All three of our readers demand and deserve top-notch political reporting from The Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for Jesus®, we would cover it live when we wake up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.

Well, something happened, you guys. P90X enthusiast, champion of austerity and the guy who pushed grandma off a cliff, Paul Ryan, Wisconsinite and Vice Presidential Candidate, spoke.

He spoke of President Barack Obama’s failed leadership, the promises he made to keep a GM factory open in Michigan (which subsequently closed), of the blame the President put at the feet of the prior administration, and then admonished him for not supporting a deficit commission report.

Wow. I mean, he really took it to the President on a whole host of levels, and really bruised him up pretty good. [Read more…]

Peyton Manning and The Death of Hero Ball

Resolved: You do not need a monster arm to be a quarterback in the NFL.

Peyton Manning has been proving for years that to be successful at the highest level of football, in the most popular game in the land, you can trade a cannon of an arm for a lightning-quick mind and a dedicated attitude. That’s why the wailing, sky-is-falling bologna coming from many in the media — looking at you, John Clayton — about his “problems throwing to his right” (fun fact: Peyton’s first touchdown pass and the long gainer to Lance Ball against San Francisco were both throws to Manning’s right; in all, he threw seven passes to his right on the day, and each one was a completion. The lesson, as always: John Clayton is a moron, not a professor), worries about his neck surgeries (despite the fact that the area is now stronger than it was).

Want to worry about the Broncos’ chances? Your best bet is to worry about their depth on defense and their ability along the offensive line. Because the worst case scenario isn’t Peyton’s head falling off and rolling around on the ground after a big hit. It’s someone crashing through the line and landing the naughty way on his knee. [Read more…]

We Built This Morning Wood

Yesterday, the brain trust of half of Amerika’s political spectrum gathered in scenic Tampa, Florida to answer the age-old question: How many saltine crackers can you fit in the Tampa Bay Times Forum?

On the first full day of its quadrennial orgy of racism, self-loathing, and suppressed homosexuality, the organizers of the Republican National Convention worked diligently to indoctrinate attendees with the mindless slogan “We Built This”, a series of monosyllables that should present relatively few cognitive challenges for the stars & stripes tee shirt-wearing, bald eagle-festooned masses huddled in a 19,000 seat taxpayer-financed hockey arena.

But what does this curious statement mean, this “We Built This”? What are they referring to? The quagmire in Iraq that killed more Americans than 9/11, wasted $1 trillion, and left something like half a million Iraqis dead? Yes, they definitely built that.

How about a near-default on the national debt which cost the federal gubmint its AAA credit rating, jarred the economy, and cost hundreds of thousands of jobs, for FISCUL CUNTSERVATISM? Yes, they definitely manufactured that.

The third leg of the GOPee-built balsa wooden stool is a political discourse where corrupt plutocrats are job creators, evolution is a myth, the orphanage is a better fate than having adopted gay parents, and women are incubators (but only for illegitimate rapes, you guys).

The Republican National Convention is silly and pointless. To be fair, so is the Democratic National Convention. If anything important happens [SPOILER ALERT: It won’t. – Ed.], you can read about it on this web site. In the meantime, if you are a glutton for punishment check out Gawker’s RNCee coverage, featuring lots of LULs and the peerless Hamilton Nolan killin’ it all the day long.

To the links, you plebeian scum! [Read more…]

DDP Exclusive: The Benediction of the 2012 Republican Convention

♫Come, come ye Sons of Arte,
come, come awaye!

Come, come ye Sons of Arte,
come, come awaye!

Tune all your voices and instruments playe
To celebrate, to celebrate this triumphant daye!

See Nature, rejoicing, has shown us the waye,
With innocent revels, with innocent revels to welcome the daye!

The tuneful grove, and talking rill,
The laughing vale, the replying hill,

With charming harmony unite,
The happy season to invite.

What the Racists require,
And Fox News doth inspire,

Is at once our delight and our duty to pay.
Thus Nature, rejoicing, has shown us the way,
With innocent revels, with innocent revels to welcome the daye!

THE RIGHT REVEREND HERP DERPSON: Glory be to God, His son Jesus, and His prophets Joseph Smith and Saint Timothy of Thiebaut, for the Assumption is close at hand! [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Let Me Be Your Fantasy

Had my fantasy draft last night at the home of another local celebrity blogger. Killed it, because that’s what I do. I’d like to have a bit better option at RB than I do (LeSean McCoy, Ben Tate, Peyton Hillis, steal-of-the-draft Alfred Morris), but I’ve got excellent moving parts at QB (Matt Ryan, Cutlerfucker, Andy Dalton and, hopefully, if my waiver claim works out, Russell Wilson) even though four is a bit absurd; I’m hoping to use one of them as trade bait in week 2 or 3. And having options is never that bad of a thing.

Otherwise, I got the receiver I wanted (Eric Decker), the tight end I mostly wanted (Aaron Hernandez, with burning hot desire for the Gronk), and well-slotted other players.

I feel good.

On with the links (because nothing is more boring that hearing about someone ELSE’S fantasy football team. My apologies): [Read more…]

Everyone Knows You’re Horrible: NFL Replacement Refs Leave a Lot to be Desired

I’d love to be writing about the Denver Broncos this morning. About how their starters looked as good as I could have hoped for, about how the depth is… non-existent, and how if anyone gets hurt on this team, the Broncos will be left to wander though the desert with Moses and Tebow.

I’d love to talk about the team playing with an actual gameplan and looking great. I’d like to talk about Peyton Manning looking like the Peyton Manning of old, slinging the ball all over the yard and throwing receivers open en route to 10/12 passing for two touchdowns  and getting out of the game before the end of the first quarter. I’m itching to praize Jeebus for ERIC FACKIN’ DECKAH, the recipient of both of Peyton’s TD passes, but that might just be the ol’ Saigon Rose flaring up.

In any case, DECKAH is the new WELKAH for a new GENARRAYSHAN. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We could talk about the upcoming cuts for the Broncos, some of which aren’t going to be as tough as I initially thought since our backups look absolutely abysmal.

I’d love to talk about any of this. But I won’t. I can’t, because I have to get something off my chest first.

/removes sports bra

There, that’s better. Now, we’ve GOTTA talk about this replacement referee situation, you guys. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Recounting an Epic Day of Sport

Oh thank Christ, the summer doldrums are almost over. Football’s back, fútbol is back, and the Race War for the White Haus™ gets in full swing this week as thousands of self-hating welfare queens descend on Tampa, Florida for the intellectual equivalent of a Furry convention.

Will Hurricane Isaac swamp the proceedings, leaving the conventioneers of Real America with nothing to do except to cruise Grindr? HOPEFULLY. Will Doctor Ron Paul’s delegates get pretty pissed about being administratively removed from having any formal recognition at the convention? YOU BET.

Monday’s RNC proceedings have been canceled in light of the weather, so we’ll come at you with a preview of ALL THE HAWT GEE-OH-PEE ACTION Tuesday morning, for liber-tea and freedumb.

On to the Monday Morning links, you peasants! [Read more…]

Actually, We Do Know Who Won the Bailey/Portis Trade

My dear friend and co-editor of this family-friendly news magazine, The Bunk, wrote a lovely piece waxing poetic about the career of one Clinton Portis, who announced his retirement yesterday and summarily launched a million articles asking who won the trade between the Broncos and Redskins for his services.

On the other end of that trade, you’ll remember (or maybe you won’t; I have zero idea how much pot you’ve smoked, hippie) that the Broncos got future Hall of Fame Cornerback, party animal and oddly-shaped-head-guy Champ Bailey, who has remained in the Broncos defense and has, for nearly a decade now, effectively cut off an entire side of the field to the passing game of lesser quarterbacks from other teams.

Comparing each team’s haul in the trade and defining who “got the better deal” is folly in his mind; tantamount to asking “Is Amurrka the Greatest Nation on Earth?” and other “silly parlor games.”

The truth is, we do know who won the trade. [Read more…]

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