Happy Anniversary, Josh McDaniels!

lol later doods

lol later doods

Yes, you mindless sack, it’s your anniversary. Welcome to it. We’ve got some cupcakes over there, some champagne to celebrate. You don’t get to have any, because you are a fucking failure. A failure as a head coach, a failure as a person.

You’re a fucking doucheburger.

It was two years ago today that you were kicked to the fucking curb. Following the trading of a franchise quarterback, a franchise receiver, a very popular and allegedly hard-working scrappy runner, you replaced all of them with players who were not better, not close to better, in fact much worse. Then, in a move that will be remembered as the final nail in your coffin, you managed to completely shit the bed by taping a 49ers practice in London, kicking off a scandal that embarrassed the team, its owner, and its fans.

Nevermind that the team was a consistent threat to win the division every year prior to your arrival. Nevermind that the worst season in the last three decades came on your watch.

John Elway had to save us yet again from a fate worse than death when he sat in the EVP chair and started making decisions — good decisions — which positively affected the franchise after essentially weathering the storm you brought down upon it.

“Sure,” you say, “but did Elway draft Tim Tebow and Knowshon Moreno and trade a first for Alphonso Smith and give up a fourth for a blocking tight end who was rated as a 7th round prospect?” No, you twat, and that’s exactly the point.

Two years ago, the healing began.

Thank you, John Elway.

In the comments: Where were you the day Kennedy was shot McDaniels was fired?

Today’s a day for much celebration, and not just for shitcanning a terrible coach. No, December 5 has historical significance, for on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended.

See? Good day.

The Morning Wood: Leftovers

Ha, ha, Thanksgiving just happened so you totally have leftovers in your fridge, you DICK! A variation of that is how nearly every blog post and article is going to start for you this morning; ready yourself.

Actually, there was much that happened this weekend we were all so thankful for the things we had and then threatened to stab people in line at K-Mart because they had something we didn’t, or got into fights over plastic crap, or got arrested. Special times, my dear Bros. America wins again. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has a Hangover

My mother is so proud, you guys.

Oh hi! Did you people have a nice Veterans Day/Bastille Day/Kurt Vonnegut’s Birthday? You DID? Well, I think that’s just wonderful. I climbed into a bottle of whiskey, drank it, and went looking for more at a rap battle (yeah, I don’t know), then went to more bars just before closing. It was eventful.

I am hungover.

So, here. Read this. It’s about ESPN and how they’ve followed noted sniveling little shit Skip Bayless all the way to the bottom when it comes to embarrassing themselves about Tim Tebow. As always, Thank You, John Elway.

Also, too, read this as well. It’s all about the US America having a class war in the last election, and what that could mean going forward. It’s an excellent read.

I’m off to pound Advil and water. Zentrist will be along shortly to make you think about things.

How Did Scrooge McDuck Get So Rich? By Gambling on NFL Football

Scrooge McDuck is a longtime reader of the picks column right here on this very dick joke emporium. He knows well the wisdom of listening to Magic Sam, now on a hot streak of 18 straight according to a non-existent statistic that is in my head. 18 just seems like such a nice number.

Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, into a dry martini, and diving into a room filled with nothing but golden treasure that you’ve won from various bookies the world over. And then let’s say you send me a check for the heads up. Because America.

Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s make some cash money, honey. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more…]

Apologize to Mr. Manning

You there.

Yes, you. The one who doubted if Peyton Manning could come back and play at a high level after a year off, four neck surgeries, and being marginalized by seemingly every single columnist on the planet.

You, the one who said he was “one hit away” from the end of his career — you know, like everyone else who plays professional football — and “couldn’t throw to his right” (easily one of the dumbest arguments ever heard by anyone, ever)…

You, the rival fan. You, the columnist. You, the blogger.

You, the doubter.

Apologize to Mr. Manning. Do it now, before he decides to take over the entire planet with his still-live arm and his still-best-in-the-business brain.

If you do not, he will reduce you to rubble. He will destroy your cities with a laser, rocket arm, then drive his Buick home to his palatial estate in the Denver suburbs to dive like Scrooge McDuck into a room that is filled with nothing but gold coins.

Consider: In the month of October, sullied by the entire fucking league wearing ridiculous pink-covered NFL merch — I get wanting to be aware of breast cancer; can we be more subtle? We’re like two years away from having alternate jerseys and helmets that are pink for the occasion, and that aggression will not stand, man — Mr. Manning of The Bionic Neck went 2-1, and a 126.7 passer rating over the three games. He’s also over 2000 yards for the season, has thrown for four straight 300 yard/3 touchdown days, and was named AFC Offensive Player of the Month.

Because he’s a pimp, you see.

Apologize. Before it’s too late.

Editor’s note: HERE are your NFL picks. Let’s go make some money.

The Weekly Pick Machine Hits The Road

As I type this, I’m watching the high desert landscape sweep by outside my window, the sagebrush covered “hills” (which you can only call them if you have no imagination whatsoever) somewhere between Albuquerque and Juarez, Mexico. In fact, just moments ago we passed the blacked-out windows of the “Juarez Transport,” featuring a driver with the best fucking beard I’ve ever seen outside of my Aunt Lulu’s house.

What I didn’t expect was to have a fleeting feeling of FREEDOM wash over me, that American ideal which can be so easily snatched away from those who do not defend it mightily (or those who do something really really bad with some really really bad people and end up in Juarez — a really really bad place).

There are those in this world who are not able to bet on football, likely because they’ve had their knees broken by their bookies and have been left in a ditch somewhere in the high desert, just awaiting the vultures and drug cartels to do what they do.

But we are not they. Lo, we must prepare for the weekend’s feast of football so we may win ALL THE MUNNEEZ, because when it comes to us and the bookies and cartels? Magic Sam is in charge. Magic Sam does the fuckin’.

Let’s pick some fuckin’ games and win some fuckin’ money. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood and The Simple Joy of Quiet Bye Weeks

I can’t stand the bye week idea in the NFL for a lot of reasons. The idea of bye weeks is to let teams have a weekend off during the season to recover some injured players, get a struggling team back on track, maybe fire a defensive coordinator when the real problem is your offense turning the ball over every week and your quarterback’s steadfast refusal to slide and save his smaller frame from injury.

So yes, Virginia, I get the point, but suffering through a weekend in which I know my team simply will not play is brutal, combined with the bye attrition that comes with my fantasy team (I’m going to lose by a thousand points this weekend, you guys, and it has everything to do with having 7 guys on a bye. That’s half my fucking team), and I’m not a happy boy for much of the weekend. I’d rather the league give two bye weeks — one for each half of the league — in the middle of the season. You’d avoid the random “team with a week 3 bye,” which is fucking stupid, and “team coming off the bye absolutely destroying a non-bye-having team because they had two weeks to prepare and are far fresher at key positions” issues.

Mostly, I’m just whining. About my fantasy team. Sorry about that.

Anyway, with the utter destruction in San Diego that the Broncos handed out to the Chargers on Monday night, creating more questions for a team already rife with them, this bye week is a lot sweeter than most have been. Oakland is in free-fall; they’re a bad team with a rookie head coach, low talent, and an insane fanbase. Kansas City has maybe the worst quarterback controversy in the history of ever, with Brady Quinn (ugh) and Matt Cassel (UGHHHHHHHH) battling it out for the top spot on another bad team where the fans are threatening an Arab Spring-type revolt. Yowza. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is A Shell of Its Former Self

What can you say about the Chargers in the second half that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Those motherfuckers were bombed-out and depleted, thinking they’d already won a game that was only half over.

And now, the silliness begins.

Can you beLIEVE there are still those holding on to the notion that Denver should not have signed Peyton fucking Manning? Can you beLIEVE that there are folks out there who think the only quarterback capable of a comeback lives in New Jersey and wears number 15?

I want you to think about the idea of Tim Tebow still being this team’s starter, and whether Denver would have won that game last night. And if you think there’s any chance — any at all, even with Tebow’s god-given comebacks — I want you to punch yourself in the face, dunk your head in water, punch yourself again, and rejoin all of us in reality.

The answer is no. No way. No chance. Tim Tebow’s record against good teams (as the Chargers most certainly are, though they obviously don’t know how to salt away a game after giving up a 10 point lead last week and a 24 point lead last night) is abysmal. YES, “he beat” the Steelers in the playoffs, a team that was injured and old and not all that good, and gave us a wonderful memory. I know. The idea of him leading a comeback of 24 points while throwing the football is laughable, and the truth is he likely would have derped around until the fourth quarter, finally getting two touchdowns in garbage time near the end.

Not good enough.

Know who is good enough? Denver’s new quarterback. And I submit that it’s games like last night which make you go out and pay nearly $100 million for Peyton Manning.

As for me, I’m a wreck. After a game in which I’d nearly written off my team for the remainder of the season based on one half of absolutely pathetic football, turned my attitude (and it can be argued, the team) around by switching up my beer drinking strategy (from Coors Banquet to weightier craft offerings, and drinking much, much more). Obviously, I was the difference. Then I hit The Spot for a few shots and celebratory fistpumps. And I woke up still #drunj.

Obviously, I won too. [Read more…]

Burning Barns: Your Broncos/Chargers Monday Night Preview

Broncos! Chargers! Manning! Rivers! Dick jokes! Poop stains!

Exclamation points!

Tonight’s game will be a barn-burner. The over/under is 49.5, and neither team plays particularly good defense. The middle of the Broncos defense is soft like Charmin and the outsides of the Chargers defense are easy. Like Sunday morning (on Monday night). So if you’re a gambling man, put some money down and maybe pay down that lifestyle you already can’t afford.

Honestly, this game could go either way, but in either case it’s going to be one hell of a ride. The line on this game has moved, from -2.5 for San Diego a few days ago to a -1 for Denver in the last 24 hours or so, meaning action in the sports books must be awfully even. Denver is a road favorite, against a team they’ve gone 3-6 against in the last 9 meetings? Believe it, my brothers and sisters, for this is the age of optimism in Colorado, and we’re still “hoping” for “change” in our football team. [Read more…]

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