Best and Worst Uniform Changes of 2011

Holy Tim Tebow-loving Christ, this year just absolutely flew by. I honestly cannot recall a year going by faster than 2011, which is good because a lot of it sucked taint. And while that’s fine for some people (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I can’t wait to get 2012 (and the end of the world!) underway.

One thing we got this year was a metric fuck-ton of uniform changes, across all sports and across both the collegiate and professional levels. As usual, there were good and bad iterations. For some reason Under Armor decided to try and be like Nike and design multiple uniform combinations for a couple of college teams (more on that in a moment) and attempted to make the sports teams look like clown college graduates.

Not unlike the Catholic Church, some of these changes simply didn’t need to be made (Attn: Pope Benedict II: I go to church twice a year maximum, and only after being good ol’ Catholic-guilted into it by my family near Christmas and Easter. Some of the changes you made were insanely out of touch, and really, is it too much to ask that when I return to mass the prayers remain the same? I’m really not going to be interested if I can’t coast through the prayers like normal), some were unnecessary but in good taste, and some were just total abject failures from conception to production.
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2012 Denver Nuggets Diary, Entry #2

Just 1/99th into the Nuggets 2011-2012 season, my season prognostication looks good.  It is very early, but the team is shaping up to pose the threat I suspected before the season started.  The variety of skills and team depth offered by the Nuggets will be hard to stop on a consistent basis in this hectic, shortened schedule.

Through 1 ½ games, here is what we do know about this year’s edition of the Nuggets:

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The Daily Dickpunch Top 5 Posts of 2011

Can't spell "blog" without "O-G."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve only been around for a month or so, really. How can we have a “Top Posts” post for the year-end? BECAUSE WE SAID SO, AND FOR FREEDOM®, and because everyone else is doing it. And if everyone else jumped off a bridge we’d definitely have some thinking to do on whether or not we’d join in the party. First question I’d ask: “How many pageviews will we get?”

So what have we learned in this Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand And Eleven? Well, for one thing people REALLY like Tim Tebow. Or hate him. There doesn’t seem to be any discernible middle ground. We also learned that “Daily Dickpunch” as a site name is only a detriment if you let it become one (and we haven’t, and won’t, so there). Also, the only thing more popular than Tim Tebow appears to be the Montana Grizzlies football team, making them easily “Bigger than Jesus.”

Our top posts of the year:

5. Navin Johnson weighed in prior to the debacle of the last two weeks, claiming that what we’re seeing from the 2011 Broncos is exactly what noted pariah Josh McDaniels had in mind while he was ruining the team putting the team together.

4. Vincent Casablancas’s excellent Denver Nuggets preview, These Nuggets Will Contend. The great VC has a bright future in blogging provided we can get him to start dropping some F-bombs.

3. A real, live girl weighs in on how Tim Tebow popped her cherry. And despite that description, it’s totally safe for work. How did we she do it? MAGIC (and/or Biblical influence).

2. The Bunk’s vaguely disturbing alter ego J. Daniel Bateman had some strong takes on Tim Tebow and his future in politics working for the 1%ers. Warning: this post is not for the easily offended.

1. My write up and preview about Montana Grizzly football, as well as Washington-Grizzly Stadium in Missoula. Not the greatest thing ever written by any stretch of the imagination, but certainly a lot of page views. As we’ve stated more than once here, we’re definitely whores for the PV.

Happy Fucking New Year, peasants.

The Bunk’s Top Three Issues for the Occupiers

Time to go 1789 on dat azz...

On Monday the hobo collective known as Occupy Denver sent out a message to its Facebook followers:

I have a quick question for all our followers. What are your top 3 issues from, or for, the occupy movement? And we would love it if you would put them in order of priority too (Put you top priority in #1, Second priority in #2, third in #3) Thank you all so much for being with us, Solidarity..!

Well thank fuck for that. Your correspondent and Magic Sam have only been arguing for months that the Occupiers need to settle on a small set of popular demands; finally, they appear to have extricated their heads from their frozen asses. Maybe this was all part of their soshulist plan, or maybe they took some good advice from a backchannel in the gubmint. Better late than never I guess.

So, your correspondent has taken a crack at it. In each case, my priorities would be addressed by reducing the scope of what the federal government does. I think the Occupiers will not be successful unless they coalesce around issues (maybe just a single issue) on which they have substantive agreement with their right-wing populist counterparts in the Tea Parties. There won’t be any popular reform if the libtards and wingnuts keep yelling past each other, so they might as well join forces.

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Broncos Win By Losing

Well, it was a really fun ride. Stop laughing, I’m serious. It was a blast going 7-1 down that magical stretch when things just started falling into place for the Denver Broncos.

Unfortunately every lucky streak — and that’s what it was, don’t kid yourself — must come to an end at some point. After the Patriots game I still thought that the Broncos would win out, make the playoffs, and c0uld even win a playoff game at home.

I see nothing. And if I’m being honest, I have no desire to see this version of this team playing an obviously superior Pittsburgh or New England in the “real season” of the playoffs.

They’re not good enough. And going to the playoffs at this point is pointless. [Read more…]

An American View of the Suárez/Evra/FA Debacle

[Note from the Editors: The Bunk was fined £40,000 and suspended from blogging for eight weeks by the Football Association for writing this column. Read at your peril.]

Solidarité, bitches. Photo from Getty Images

Your correspondent would like you to try a thought experiment.

For a moment, let’s concede that Luis Suárez said some naughty words to Patrice Evra in front of the Kop on 15 October 2011. Whether he actually did or not, and whether anything was lost in translation of language and cultural context, is irrelevant.

Let’s also concede that the FA’s “zero tolerance approach” towards anything smelling of racism is a good idea. Whether it is a good idea in practice is highly questionable given the unintended consequences of such policies when they have been attempted in the past, such as in American state school systems. But we will set that aside for a moment.

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These Nuggets Will Contend

Basketball is a contact sport, Nene.

Call me crazy, but I LOVE this year’s edition of the Denver Nuggets.

This decade of NBA basketball will probably be remembered as an era where league superstars in their respective athletic primes high jacked the league and constructed several “super teams,” all not coincidentally located on the coasts or in warm weather destinations.

While the player-GM model clearly is en vogue, count me as a skeptic as to its effectiveness. No disrespect to the business acumen of such megastars as Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Paul, but I’m a proud supporter of vintage NBA basketball and the rational construction of a great team. I love Moneyball, and in my estimation the concepts born out of this sports management revolution still have a place in the modern NBA. Therefore I present my case for the 2011 – 2012 Nuggets.

There is only one Larry O’Brien trophy to conclude an NBA season. I do not think that the Nuggets will bring it home this year, but I can envision a scenario of perennial title contention for these Nuggets. The team is young, well-coached, well-balanced, and well-managed. To borrow from the lexicon of Coach Hubie Brown, the upside potential of this group is high. If George Karl can build team chemistry and team defense I don’t think that the Mavericks, Clippers, or trendy consensus Western Conference favorite Thunder will be longing for the opportunity to go 7 games with this Nuggets team. [Read more…]

BCS Is Better: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

[Note: The editors were tempted to leave this one alone, if only because one of the most delightful, fun, intelligent, fit, downright angelic women either of us have ever met is an alumna of and graduate student at one of these fine, worldly institutions of higher education and we don’t want to make her a sad panda… ha ha, who are we kidding?]

"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island??!?"

Hey, that’s a sexy outfit you’re wearing. I know you worked hard all year to look good in that top, doing extra sets with the hand weights and making sure you had perfect form to create those long, slender, lean muscles that look so good whether covered up or exposed to the world.

But you’re a smart one; you knew that diet was two thirds of the battle and no amount of exercise would make up for the soda and alcohol and hydrogenated oils and overly processed starch and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and factory-farmed meat and pesticide-drenched produce. That juicer you bought wiped out the laughably low balance in your checking account but who can argue with the results?

True, those first few weeks were rough. But once you flushed the toxins out of your system and started drinking water again those cravings for Taco Bell and cheesecake dissipated and the pounds just melted right off. You sexy beast. If you carry on like this I am going to lose my concentration, as well as the bloodflow necessary to strike the keyboard efficiently. Cut it out!

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BCS Is Better: Beef O’Brady’s Bowl

Field of Dreams

Oh man, do you know how excited I am for the all-out war that’ll be taking place at 8pm ET tonight on ESPN? I’m not talking about college playoffs, because college playoffs are stupid and wrong.

I’m talking Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. Catch the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl fever (which is not to be confused with the fever you’d get from ACTUALLY EATING AT Beef O’Brady’s, which appears to be some kind of redneck Applebee’s). Two teams, one with a .500 record, both from dogshit conferences, doing battle in a dogshit baseball stadium in a dogshit city.

Guys you’ve never heard of! Average at best statistics! Teams nobody cares about! A result that means nothing! Marshall! Florida International!

Because “Every Game Matters.”

Seriously, it’s “contests” like the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl that keep D-1 football from having a playoff system, instead contributing to the farce that is a fake National Champ, a fake “voting system,” and the most meaningful contest in the land decided not on the field, but in a board room. Because Beef O’Brady’s Bowl allegedly makes money, though I’m not sure how that’s possible. Who is going to watch this game?

Anyway, enough snark. Let’s preview this sucker.

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A Remembrance of Hitchens As He May Have Wanted It

Hitch. Photo by Gasper Tringale

Like I suspect many of you did last Friday, I spent much of the day reading and sharing obituaries of Christopher Hitchens, the noted author, critic, and polemicist who departed this world after a long but dignified public battle with esophageal cancer. The fact that Mr. Hitchens’ death was not unexpected gave the literary world enough advance notice to craft obituaries worthy of the great man’s superior written words; see the GuardianVanity Fair, and the Daily Mail  for especially good ones.

It was not until later in the day when I read a tough but fair post-mortem by the lovely people at Gawker that the irony of all of this dawned on me. Above all else, Mr. Hitchens seemed to hate unqualified admiration; he was widely quoted as not believing in the concept of heroes although George Orwell came close. So Mr. Hitchens, sat at the right hand of our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ in Heaven™ (which was Mr. Hitchens’ idea of hell so that’s where he is, obvs.), would likely have found all of this glowing praise to be awkward and maybe even a betrayal of his contrarian ideals.

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