What America Doesn’t Need Right Now

My dear friend The Bowtie published an editorial in The Pages Of This Fine Dick Joke Magazine, essentially making the case for one W. Mittens Romney, Lord Just For Men, based largely around the following premise: He’s Not Obama, And Therefore Better For America.

While I love and respect my dear friend The Bowtie (aside from his choices in British Footballing Clubs, American Baseball Clubs, and Political Parties), in the words of one Jeff Lebowski, “This aggression will not stand, man.”

Let us ignore for a moment the irony of a Republican voting for someone as a vote against the incumbent (given that we were mocked for doing just that in both 2004 AND in 2008), as well as a Jewish man voting for any Republican candidate ever, and focus on the content of his argument.

My esteemed colleague makes a good point when it comes to “what if” statements. What if Republicans hadn’t sworn to block any piece of legislation that might result in a second term for Obama? Well, the legislation would have passed. Duh. The only reason it didn’t is because Republicans refused to pass it. So, in the quiet words of President William Howard Taft, “LOL NO DOY.”

Unfortunately for The Bowtie’s argument is that it works against his man Mitt as well. [Read more…]

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Today Matters

And so. The end is here. And we must face the final curtain.

Today. The ads will end. And we can be assaulted instead with Christmas.

This season’s been long and distinguished. Distinguished like my Johnson.

And more, much more than this, I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyy way.

I woke this morning a nervous wreck. Yeah, I’m ready, like you are, for the ads and the campaign to be over, but I’m nervous about the outcome. Sure, effeminate mathematics man-crush Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight has the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama with a 92% chance of closing out this bitch tonight, but I’m still a wreck.

Thing is, there’s so much at stake here. So, so much. That I take heat from friends and family for my political views, my cursing on this very blog, is something I can handle. It’s something I expect.

But I do it in the service of a larger idea. [Read more…]

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