Magic Sam’s Week 4 Picks – Now With 100% Less Replacement Referee

You might be asking yourself, “Self, why would Magic Sam do a picks column before week 1, but not again until the start of week 4?” You may continue, “Christ, that guy is fuckin’ lazy.” Well, first of all, get all off my jock, mmmkay? You really wanted me handicapping teams AND replacement refs? Un-fucking-likely.

Remember earlier this week when a couple of sports books offered to give money back to people who had bet on the Packers on Monday night? I woulda let ’em rot; if you’re willing to gamble on these replacement refs after what we saw in the opening weeks, you deserve to lose all of your money. I’d prefer it if you’d just give it to me, but I digress.

It’s going to be an interesting week, and even with the real officials back (seriously, you guys, I may have teared up a little last night when the fans in Baltimore gave the real refs a standing O as they came on the field. Maybe. A little) we may see some missed calls. I don’t think it’ll be on the level of the last three weeks, because a donkey with his head up his own ass would have seen better than those fucking people.

“Oh be nice, it’s not their fault!”

Shut the fuck up. The picks: [Read more…]

Friday Fun with Search Terms

Operating a web-log, especially one with a naughty name, gives us a unique insight into the depravity of people who stalk the interweb (it’s a series of tubes).

People who use Google Search are WEIRD, you guys, and over the last eleven months or so we’ve seen some seriously funny search terms lead to pageviews from the paraphilic fringes of society.

For example, fully sixteen of the top twenty search terms that have driven traffic to our site have been for underground donkey-human pornography. These sick fucks, who typically search for some combination of the terms “Denver Broncos New Uniforms 2012” account for well over 4,000 hits and close to 9.0% of all of the traffic generated by this fine online newsletter.

Here’s a sampling of some of the other Google search terms that have given us the lulz. Every one of these terms has come up more than once. [Read more…]

A Counterpoint to High-Minded Objections to Voting for Obama

Yesterday, I spent hours and hours trying to reconcile figures in a series of spreadsheets. It was every bit as fun as it sounds.

This is an annual exercise that wouldn’t happen in an organization with the right incentives towards investing in information technology or basically any other asset whose internal rate of return doesn’t exceed that of the political cycle. You’re welcome, taxpayers of Colorado!

Anyway, having finally figured out the culprit in a forensic accounting effort of the first order, I was mentally shattered and had no idea what to write about to entertain our loyal readers, WHOM ARE LEGION.*

*not intended to be a factual statement

Fortunately, Magic Sam had stumbled across an article in the Atlantic Monthly that was crying out for a response. Not a rebuttal necessarily, but a response.

A counterpoint, if you like. [Read more…]

Morning Wood Replaced by Morning Wood

Well, that didn’t take long.

Three weeks, 48 regular season games, countless fuck-ups, tons of hand-wringing, justification for bad officiating from the darkest corners of Afrika the internet and sports talk radio, excuse-making by the league, a South Park parody (more on that in a moment), and only one game where the outcome was decided by the referees and not the players on the field.

Whew! It’s over! (For non-sports fans — WHY ARE YOU HERE? — click HERE.)

This should be a celebratory moment, but I’d like to take a few seconds and just expand on an idea I had the other day.

Fuck you, Roger Goodell. Fuck you right in the pants. Fuck you up to your gingery fucking hair. Fuck you sideways with a chainsaw. Fuck. You. [Read more…]

On Freedom and the Loathsome 2012 Campaign

On Sunday night, I sat patiently and with an open mind, watching 60 Minutes as journalists at the newsmagazine program interviewed America’s two presidential frontrunners, former Taxachusetts governor W. Mittens “Mitt” Romney and acting president B. Hussein Obama.

Each candidate was asked to identify the “big idea” that he would pursue as president. Governor Romney reported that his big idea was “freedom,” to which I did in fact scream at the television set the following:

WHAT RIGHTS DO YOU LACK TODAY THAT YOU HAD IN 2008, PRIOR TO THE ELECTION OF BARRY HUSSEIN??

I wish the esteemed Scott Pelley at 60 Minutes would have offered the same counter, though I imagine he was on a previously established script that he had to follow to gain the participation of the two candidates. For the love of all things sacred, at what point did we resign ourselves as a nation to hear the most powerful men in the world speak to us only on preconditions established by their own camps? [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Can Walk Away At Any Time


And when I woke this morning, it was as if nothing had changed at all.

There are still going to be replacement refs on the field. There are still owners justifying that. And — astonishingly — there are still fans of the NFL who are justifying Ginger Hammer Roger Goodell and the owners continuing to lock out the real referees.

To call this a surprise would be an understatement, but there are morons everywhere.

The things I keep hearing from multiple sources is that these refs are doing the best job they can; we shouldn’t be so hard on them; they didn’t ask to be put in this situation; they’re in over their head and shouldn’t be out there in the first place. And I get that. It’s sort of the point of the whole fucking thing.

Yes, the league put them in an unwinnable situation by offering them little training and letting them be the sacrificial lambs while they try to destroy the American worker through bullshit changes to the referee retirement system. Yes, I feel bad for them taking the brunt of what’s going on from fans and media alike.

And yet, it seems to me they could leave (or “retire”) at any time and go back to the fry pit at WackArnolds. They could go back to the Lingerie Football League (oh, wait… no they couldn’t.) They could end all of this — every bit of abuse and all the mean people and bloggers like me and my ilk who just reFUSE to give up on the idea of fairly officiated games — by saying “no mas” and heading back to Idaho or Iowa or wherever the fuck they grow stupid people. What a bunch of pricks we are, demanding that the three hour escape we love called football actually be, you know, on the level.

We are such assholes. [Read more…]

NFL Replacements and Religious Devotion to Ideology Collide

I got into such a big argument last night, you guys. I was just minding my own business at my home The Spot, watching the Green Bay/Seattle “clash” (I put it in quotations because JESUS CHRIST WHAT A TERRIBLE GAME) and eating a burger when a debate opened up.

In this corner, your hero, a dick joke enthusiast with a career life record of 121-122-3, representing the merits of having NFL officials who know the rules and can actually pontificate upon them (note: DOES NOT MEAN URINATE OR DEFICATE; don’t need an “Alanis Morrisette – Ironic” issue happening here), a believer in the idea that sometimes the people who know what they’re talking about actually do know what they’re talking about, the FOOL-ah from Mis-SOULA, MAGIC SAM!

And in the far corner, wearing dark jeans with white tennis shoes, an unfortunate mustache, and a face that looks alternately like the surface of the moon and your correspondent’s ballsack, neighbor to your correspondent, The Jolly Rodger Bill-Dodger, JIM, SOME GUY IN A BAR!

The Bunk has asked me on numerous occasions why I insist upon arguing with the mouth-breathers in online comments sections and message boards. The fact is, I enjoy it. I like revving them up, making them spin, pissing them off to a point where their points get lost in translation because they’re just so damn angry. But last night, it was something different.

You see, I learned something last night. And this something I learned put the entire NFL referee situation into perspective for me. Inadvertently, it put everything else in perspective too; from politics to team rooting interests. [Read more…]

An Appeal From The Editors

Good morning.

As we close in on the anniversary of this fine multimedia conglomerate’s creation, its editors are in a reflective mood. After almost eleven months of publishing original, award-winning content every day (excepting federal holidays and most weekends), two hundred seventy-seven posts, and over 47,000 page views, we have come to one of those Decision Points™ that the noted war criminal George W. Bush talked about in that book that nobody read. [Read more…]

Chicken Little and His Morning Wood

Woof.

So yesterday did not go as planned for the orange-clad warriors of the Rocky Mountains. While they didn’t get killed, they weren’t exactly “in it to win it” either, and for the second straight week they lost by six and watched their defense fritter away a shot at the ball with time running down.

Same as it ever was.

And as expected by Your Humble Correspondent, the nay-sayers came out in force immediately following the game, claiming (after three games, I shit you not) that the Peyton Manning signing was a failure and that it was a waste of time and money and — you guessed it — we set ourselves back 5 years (minimum) by shipping off Timothy Richard Tebow. All this despite Manning throwing for over 300 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions, and having several passes dropped by his wideouts.

/kills self

There’s a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is that blind Tebow supporters should probably be euthanized for the good of humanity and for the long-term intelligence of the species. Not even close to kidding. We’ve been around and around with the morons masquerading as pseudo football intellectuals using things like team wins to extrapolate individual roles in said wins, and when it comes to logic, they simply don’t have access. I’m not sure if it’s the Florida water, the Jesus Juice, or the scruffy beard and monk haircut, but something has gone haywire in the Tebow zombie brain, and it’s killing the will to live of everyone who doesn’t think Tim is actually that good.

Thankfully, the Raiders come to town this week, and it would be hella nice to get healthy with a win, putting us at 2-2 heading into @New England and @San Diego. If we can beat the Raiders and Chargers — who look eminently beatable after yesterday’s poopfest in their house against Atlanta — the Denver Broncos will be 3-3 after the toughest stretch of their 2nd-toughest-in-the-league schedule.

And while the schedule doesn’t get particularly easy after the first six games, it does get easiER. And honestly, easiER is all we can ask for. [Read more…]

GOP Advisors Drinking Whiskey with Pepto-Bismol Chaser at This Point

Want to run for president of these United States? Here’s an easy checklist to see if you’re capable of surviving the rigors of a political campaign:

1.) Can you shake thousands of strangers’ warm, clammy hands without instantly splashing your palm with liberal amounts of Purell in full view of everybody?

2.) Can you stop at dozens of crappy diners, chug down gallons of coffee chemically indistinguishable from motor oil, follow that up with hundreds of plates of “regional specialties” that you realize too late are deep-fried possum, and then head off to a donor’s fundraiser, where over $10,000 plates of rubbery chicken you’ll try to convince a bunch of wannabe Jay Goulds that you’ll do everything in your power to keep the rabble from burning down their fabulous mansions? Can you do all of the above without retching from food poisoning and/or self-loathing?

3.) Are you capable of telling a national television audience one thing, only to completely reverse your public opinion a few days later, and not break down behind closed doors over how your soul has withered to a cold, dry husk?

4.) Can you avoid calling half the American population a bunch of moochers? [Read more…]

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