2016 Republican Handicapping, or the Short-Straw Lottery

As promised, below is my amateur handicapping for the race for the 2016 Republican nomination for President of the United States.  Again, the major caveat here is that I am assuming, because I am delusional an optimist, that the party has no choice but to move to the middle, so that informs my oddsmaking.

I would still vote for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (I) in a heartbeat, but something tells me he won’t win (or even compete) for the GOP nomination. [Read more…]

With Our Tails Between Our Legs

Last night, those of you who tracked our live tweetcast on #DDPElection saw my optimistic side.  My call might have been reasonable given polling trends, campaign momentum, or exit polls, but I left out one major consideration.  Whether due to oversight or ignorance, I didn’t realize that the Republican Party had completely and utterly lost its fucking way.

To put it simply, we got whupped last night, in almost every possible way, and the results need to be a wake-up call to the national party.

National trends indicate that Obama’s voting coalition – blocs of primarily African-American, Hispanic, Jewish, female, and young voters, among others – delivered huge margins for him, more than making up for his deficits among white voters, seniors and men.  Romney seems to have made significant strides in many of Obama’s niches – namely Jews and young voters – but nationally, it can be argued that the demographic that doomed him the most were blue-collar white men.  These voters had huge impact in the Rust Belt and other competitive Midwest states – Obama’s so-called “firewall” and the source of much of Romney’s recent momentum.  (P.S.  I don’t think this momentum ever existed.  I feel pretty duped right now, especially after seeing the numbers expanding in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, etc.)  It’s clear that these voters did not view the economy as gloomily as we thought the media thought they thought it was, and perhaps that was enough to give Obama the gap he needed for the win. (Giggity.)

However, the economy is far from the Republican Party’s biggest issue. [Read more…]

Tonight’s Festivities

Well, it’s been quite a day for us. Guess we’ll just turn in and call it a night. Maybe make some tea. Read a good book. Masturbate ourselves to sleep.


We’re totes going to be LIVE LIVE LIVE for the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIVES UNTIL THE NEXT ONE®, and you don’t want to miss any of the festivities.

First things first: Our good friend and the only PhD on staff here, Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D, will be live-blogging the events right here on this very website. Bring your cocktails, your snarky comments, and your huddled masses and join us for what should be a debauch-ariffic night with one of the finest live-blogstresses on the planet. And if you think I’m kidding, YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Secondly also too, Detective Bunk Moreland, The Bowtie and Magic Sam will all be Live-Tweeting the evening from our respective and extremely partisan parties across the Denver area; You may follow the updates and contribute by searching #DDPElection and by using that hashtag in your own tweets. It’s like you’re a part of the show, only not really because you haven’t given money to our reelection campaign so obviously it’s just like real Democracy.

You don’t want to miss this! Election results! Grab-assery! Dick Jokes!

You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only be using the EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGE!!!!1!ONE!!

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more…]

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