NFL Picks Are Back, And They’re Ringin’ the Bell

They’re rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls yellllllllll

Hello and welcome to the picks for week 11 in the National Football League. Are we almost out of season? YES. Are we panicking? OF COURSE. Are we going to apologize for not doing last week’s picks due to either an unfortunate smelting accident or possibly just forgetting due to senility? PROBABLY and/or MAYBE.

Let’s get this thing started, because my posse’s on the side, they’re yellin’ “Go Vanilla. Go.”

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

[Read more…]

Advertisements

How Did Scrooge McDuck Get So Rich? By Gambling on NFL Football

Scrooge McDuck is a longtime reader of the picks column right here on this very dick joke emporium. He knows well the wisdom of listening to Magic Sam, now on a hot streak of 18 straight according to a non-existent statistic that is in my head. 18 just seems like such a nice number.

Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, into a dry martini, and diving into a room filled with nothing but golden treasure that you’ve won from various bookies the world over. And then let’s say you send me a check for the heads up. Because America.

Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s make some cash money, honey. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more…]

The Weekly Pick Machine Hits The Road

As I type this, I’m watching the high desert landscape sweep by outside my window, the sagebrush covered “hills” (which you can only call them if you have no imagination whatsoever) somewhere between Albuquerque and Juarez, Mexico. In fact, just moments ago we passed the blacked-out windows of the “Juarez Transport,” featuring a driver with the best fucking beard I’ve ever seen outside of my Aunt Lulu’s house.

What I didn’t expect was to have a fleeting feeling of FREEDOM wash over me, that American ideal which can be so easily snatched away from those who do not defend it mightily (or those who do something really really bad with some really really bad people and end up in Juarez — a really really bad place).

There are those in this world who are not able to bet on football, likely because they’ve had their knees broken by their bookies and have been left in a ditch somewhere in the high desert, just awaiting the vultures and drug cartels to do what they do.

But we are not they. Lo, we must prepare for the weekend’s feast of football so we may win ALL THE MUNNEEZ, because when it comes to us and the bookies and cartels? Magic Sam is in charge. Magic Sam does the fuckin’.

Let’s pick some fuckin’ games and win some fuckin’ money. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: