Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more…]

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The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Broncoz!
Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
[Read more…]

Let my people go! No really, just let them GO. GO, people. GO NOW.

So apparently, undocumented mental cases in 30 states have started petitions to allow their state to secede from the union.

Now, I could go on a rant about how INCREDIBLY STUPID these people are, but I think it’s been done. I could say something about how the 155 people in Pennsylvania might just not be truly representative of the rest of the state they want to rip away from Momma ‘Merica… but I think that’s obvious.

So. I’ve created my own petition… which I URGE YOU ALL to sign. The text, and link, are below:

we petition the obama administration to:

Please assist all the secessionists in moving somewhere, like Texas, then let them secede. The rest of us are TIRED.

Four score and about 7 minutes ago, those of us who are not prone to histrionics, and are pretty sure there will still be an America in 4 years, came to the conclusion that the problems we currently face are really really paranoid people who lack a basic understanding of things like ‘separation of powers,’ and ‘government,’ and ‘macro-economics.’ In the vacancy formed by rational thought, fear and ignorance floods in like the tide. Words like ‘socialism’ and ‘communism’ get tossed out, without the tosser actually knowing what those words mean.

Maybe it’s time we just let them all congregate in one place, build a big wall around themselves, and leave the rest of us alone so we can get on with the work of making America stronger and better? What say you, rational Americans?

PETITION

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