The End of European Currency Union is Extremely Fucking Nigh

Your correspondent would like to point you to three interesting links that summarize the current state of affairs in the eurobanking crisis:

1. Sunday’s column by the Financial Times’ Wofgang Münchau (registration required; it’s worth the effort) argues that a disorderly breakup of the euro could begin in as soon as ten days at the December 9 summit meeting of the members of the European Union. Oh noes! At issue is whether Ze Germans will accept (or even can accept, based on their own constitution) enormous implicit fiscal transfers to the profligate spendthrift nations of southern Europe through a “eurobond” mechanism: a bond issued by the European Central Bank, the proceeds of which would secure the ability of troubled national governments to continue rolling over their debts at sustainable interest rates.

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Dear NFL Face-Painting Dress-Up Fans: Knock It Off

Darth Bronco, idiot NFL fans, nfl fan costumes


Hi, NFL fans. Been a while since I’ve written you, and I apologize for the delay. I’ve just been busy with things like work and figuring out my future, and I mean, you know the holidays… things are just crazy right now. So I haven’t been in touch.

Plus, I kind of thought that we had an understanding.


Seahawks fan

And this.

It’s gotta stop. I mean, it HAS TO.

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Player Ratings for Liverpool 1-1 Manchester City, 27 November 2011

A pulsating encounter at Anfield this afternoon featuring two sides going for full points, Manchester City could have opened a seven point lead over their arch rivals Manchester United with a win and Liverpool hoped to capitalize on draws by several of the other title-chasers on Saturday and improve on their mediocre home form.

Brilliant goalkeeping on both sides prevented this match from finishing 6-6. Liverpool edged it on the statistics but Manchester City did more than enough to earn a point and remain unbeaten in Premier League competition this season.

Like all true Englishmen, let’s dispense with the notion of foreplay and just get on with it!

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Orton Release Gives QB New Life

"God, I can't wait to get out of here."

If you didn’t know this already, professional football is a different occupation than the ones you and I have.

Imagine working somewhere. You go to work every day, give all you’ve got to the organization. You have some successes, too. No, your stock isn’t the highest, and you haven’t bested every competitor. But you’re winning certain battles, losing others, and looking fairly good while doing so.

Then your boss comes to you and tells you to enter a backup role, since there’s a hotter prospect with some new ideas. Not only are you not taking the lead on projects, you’re barely there; a footnote in the history of the organization.

This is what happened to Kyle Orton, who rode a good Chicago defense in his rookie campaign to an 11-5 record while Rex Grossman was injured, made the playoffs, and then was promptly benched as soon as Grossman was healthy. Just didn’t seem right.

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Tim Tebow, Vanguard of the One Percent

J. Daniel Bateman, QC
Private Secretary & Legislative Liaison
By Appointment to HRH the Duke of Lancaster
Royal Crescent
Bath BA1
United Kingdom

22nd November 2011

The Timothy R. Tebow Fan Club and Ministry
Post Office Box 00666
Denver, Colorado 80204
United States

Dear Mouth-breathers,

Over the last several weeks I have been greatly entertained by your sissy version of rugby and most especially the fawning admiration by certain stereotypes of people for the hulking brute Tim Tebow (Thiébaut, surely? It’s understandable that the unwashed masses disembarking at Ellis Island might struggle to spell their surnames, but is it too much to expect that the immigration agents attain at least a passable imitation of culture?)

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One Man’s Push for a College Football Playoff

Look at it there. Breathtaking, isn’t it?

Every week, a different team to watch and root for as the Football Championship Subdivision — also known as the FCS, formerly known as Div. I-AA — brings its season to a close with a real champion, real compelling action, and kids playing for something real.

There are no slices or partial champions here. Nobody who has an impressive record gets skunked, unless they lose a game in the playoffs. You know, on the field. Where the game is played.

This is how it should be.

This is how it could be.

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Fear and Loathing in SW6: Chelsea F.C.’s Downward Spiral Begins

I used to get really worked up for the semi-annual encounters between the Liverpool and Chelsea football clubs. In the first decade of this millennium Chelsea represented everything that was vulgar and wrong about football. Here was a club that lived well beyond its means for years, was forced to sell the land under its stadium to ensure that property developers wouldn’t swoop down like vultures in the event the club was declared insolvent, and indeed was minutes from being put into administration before being purchased in 2003 by the corrupt, thieving Russian oil & gas billionaire Roman Abramovich.

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It’s Baltimore, Gentlemen. The Gods Will Not Save You.

OH HEY, happy Friday! My co-conspirator and hetero life partner, Mr. Arthur Digby Sellers, took a moment away from his Tebow-fueled existential crisis to alert me to an interesting piece in Deadspin this morning from the consistently very good Tom Scocca about the Baltimore Orioles, a once-proud sporting institution and my boyhood team. From about 1966 to 1983 the Orioles were a baseball team par excellence, posting eighteen consecutive winning seasons, eight ALCS appearances, and six World Series appearances, winning three of them, losing two in nail biting contests against the brilliant Pittsburgh Pirates, and of course somehow losing to the Miracle Mets in 1969 despite having one of the best teams in the history of baseball.

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An Existential Football Crisis


Hemingway called it “The White Bull”, that blank white space where typeface is supposed to go. And right now, I’m staring down The White Bull.

What can you say about a quarterback who doesn’t throw? What would you say about a running back who doesn’t run, or a wideout who doesn’t catch, or a defensive tackle who doesn’t tackle? It simply goes against every truth I’ve ever known in football, and I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. The entire thing is a contradiction.

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Occupy Easy Street: Week 11 NFL Picks

Happy Thursday, degenerates. You’ve almost made it to the weekend. And as much as I know you’d just looooooove to read about my Montana Grizzlies taking on the suddenly #1 ranked Montana State Bobcats this weekend, we just don’t have time to get into the 111th meeting between these two titans, so let’s get right to it.

Picks in bold.

Thursday Night Special
New York Jets (-6.5) at Denver
Man, six and a half is a lot of points, but let’s be honest here: If Rex Ryan isn’t supremely prepared for Tim Tebow’s idiotic “shotgun snap, run into the back of his guard” offense, he should probably go back to making foot fetish porn. Fact is, Ryan’s book on coaching defense dedicates an entire chapter to defending the option play. And since that’s the only thing Tebow is capable of running, I don’t anticipate a good result. Over/under is set at 40, and I’d bang the under like this one girl I used to bang a lot. Between the Tebow Shit Show and Mark Sanchez missing receivers by a mile, we may very well see two completions — total — between the teams this week.
I also wanted to add that while I think Tim Tebow’s inability to run a pro-style offense is atrocious, and while I believe he’s only useful running the option — and I’m right on both counts, by the way — I don’t have anything against him personally. I’ve been called a “hater” by many because of my opinion, but as a Bronco fan, would I not benefit from Tebow proving me wrong? I just don’t think he will, because I don’t think he can, because he’s not good at the one thing that is required from an NFL quarterback.

(-6) at Tennessee
Again, a lot of points. Again, Tennessee doesn’t have a shot. Atlanta’s angry coming off that overtime loss to New Orleans, and they’re not about to let Matt Hasselback get the better of them.

Buffalo (+2) at Miami
I couldn’t believe the Bills were being so disrespected by the oddsmakers to be dogs on the road against a terrible Miami team. When in doubt, check to see if Tim Tebow has ever beaten the team in question. Four weeks ago, he did just that to the Dolphins. Bills are the pick.

Cincinnati (+7) at Baltimore
Is star rookie wideout AJ Green going to suit up this week for Cincy? In trying to find out, I did an exhaustive (read: 3 seconds) Google search on “Bengals week 11 injuries” and ended up at the Bleacher Report. Now I’m not one to tell you what to do, but if you’re regularly reading the tripe on, you should probably stop what you’re doing and just go ahead and kill yourself. Be sure to leave a nice note.

Jacksonville (PK) at Cleveland
/fart noise
This was tough to pick. I mean, you’ve got a shitty, experienced quarterback lacing up for the Factory of Sadness Brownstains going against a shitty, inexperienced quarterback dressing for the South Georgia Meth Lab Jagwads. I guess I’ll take the shitty quarterback playing at home.
By the way, if you live in the viewing area for this game, I feel very, very sorry for you. Go to the bar and watch real football teams play real football. Or stay at home and self-mutilate. Your choice.

Oakland (-1) at Minnesota
I wouldn’t pick Oakland for much outside of a firing squad, but here we are. This is what you’ve been reduced to, Vikings. Proper punishment for employing Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb in successive years.

Carolina (+7) at Detroit
Detroit’s about to go on a run. Three of their next four are at home, and their lone road game during that stretch is with the very-beatable Saints and their suspect pass defense. Lions, big.

Tampa Bay (+14) at Green Bay
Last time Green Bay was a 14 point favorite after midseason, this happened:
And then this happened:
Not anticipating anything similar this weekend. Sorry, Tampa. You suck again.

Dallas (-7.5) at Washington
Remember week 3? Me either, as my brain is clogged with 32 years worth of malted hops and bong resin, so let’s refresh your (read: my) memory: The Redskins were a big story in the league with their Rex Grossman-led offense and their 2-0 record. Mike Shanahan was being celebrated by Redskins fans (like The Bunk) for his Shanaplan, impressive running game and passable quarterback play. Since the Skeeeeeeeins lost that game, Cooch Shanaplan has gone 1-5, and everything sucks again in the Beltway.
                                   Oooh, I’m gonna poop in that helmet when everyone leaves.

The Cowboys, even taking into account the Tony Romo being awful effect, should cover easily. Because the Redskins are awful at football. But they’re good at being casually racist.

Arizona (+9.5) at San Francisco
As the kids are saying, “LOL.”

Seattle (+1.5) at St. Louis
Seattle is a cooler city. Both teams suck, and I was tempted to take St. Louis at home given that they employ noted Tebow-hater Brandon Lloyd. However, they also employ noted moron Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator, which is enough for me to pick against them until the end of time. For no reason, here’s a picture of McDaniels at his introductory Broncos press conference:

San Diego (+3.5) at Chicago
When in doubt, remember that Philip Rivers, no matter how poorly he’s playing going into a game, has always and will always own Jay Cutler’s pouting ass. Rivers will laserfloat the Bolts to a victory, helped by Frown Cannon’s six interceptions. Gonna be epic, brah.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at New York Giants
This was going to be the week that the Eagles got off the schneid, but with Vick out … /sad trombone … and Vince Young likely to start … /SAD TROMBONE … Vince, don’t give up on your suicide. See that thing through.

Monday Night
Kansas City (+14.5) at New England
Excuse me, but if Timothy Richard Tebow did what he did against Kansas City, Tom Brady is about to run a train on these fools. The Todd Haley Firing Clock is about 3 minutes from going off. Don’t be surprised if he gets canned at halftime.
Oh, AND Matt Cassel met Von Miller this week, so he spent most of his Sunday looking like this…

I wonder if he’ll cry himself to sleep in a pile of 60 million dollar bills. That’s what I’d do.

Enjoy the games, you ungrateful snobs. And remember, if she doesn’t find you handsome, she should at least find you handy.

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