The Morning Wood: One Month Til Salvation

I’ve got some great news, you guys. We’re a month out from the election, which means that we’re one month from High Lord Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romneybot being elected as Supreme Commander of The Poors, Middle Classes, and Especially The Rich, which means we’re one month away from the economy magically righting itself thanks to the Stormin’ Mormon’s shiny NEW POLICY FOR AMERICA WHICH IS TOP SECRET, FOR SOME REASON.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totes excited.

Here’s how I look at it: you know that rush you get from gambling? You put all your chips down on the table — on black, if you listen to Wesley Snipes as I do — and your heart pounds as you watch the ball rolling and bouncing around in the wheel, uncertain if you’re about to become rich and therefore curry favor with the Republican Party of Jesus Dollar Sign Christ, or if you’re about to enter a life of dead-end prostitution wherein you sell your body on the streets to pay for food for your 27 illegitimate children.

Since we don’t know what Mittens’ policies actually are, what they’d do, and since he keeps changing his mind about what his tax plan actually does — is it a cut across the board? Or is it not? WE DON’T KNOW EITHER — every single day will feel like a night in Monte Carlo Atlantic City. Sure you’ll be dirty, and broke, and smoking 10,000 cigarettes while waiting for your life to end in either a hail of gunfire or a back-alley dumpster, but won’t it be exciting?

Place your bets.

[Read more…]

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The Morning Wood: There is No Reason to Vote Republican in 2012

A Helpful Guide to Regulating Ladybits, by Todd Akin (R-Etrograde)

No matter what demographic, economic, or ideological groupings you believe yourself to inhabit, there is no legitimate reason to vote Republican in 2012. Unless you’re a billionaire like Meyer Lansky Sheldon Adelson or a racist ignoramus (like Sheldon Adelson), you should either vote for the black guy or stay home. In no particular order, find your group identity below the fold and be appalled by the modern day GOPee, for freedom. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Will Retire Retroactively


Mexican Space Lizard El Romnero is at it again, you guys. We’ve discussed ad nauseum his refusal to release more than two years of tax returns to the public for review, essentially handing a “he’s got something to hide” gun to Democrats and the Librul Meedya Ajenda.

But it gets better. Back in 2008, when he was being vetted as a vice presidential candidate by John McCain’s people, he released two decades-worth of tax returns and notably didn’t get the job. In case your memory does not extend that far back, because DRUGS, you should note that the person chosen for that slot — Alaska hockey mom, pig in lipstick and youbetcha peddler Sarah Palin — was perhaps the worst national political candidate of all time.

Now, are Romney’s tax returns the reason he was bypassed? Of course not, says McCain (via Politico):

Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with Sen. John McCain’s decision to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008, according to the Arizona Republican, saying he chose the former Alaska governor because she was a “better candidate.” [emphasis mine]

Wow. Um, can someone ask the Senator from Arizona to stop helping? Get John Sununu on the line; he’s got to request that McCain — a war hero, decorated veteran and longtime member of the Senate — try to be a better American.

Romney’s going to have to release this info. Even as the economy continues to stall, he’s losing ground against President Obama and is having trouble discussing anything but his taxes. These are unwelcome developments.

If you’re wondering whether there’s a legal precedent that he “must” disclose his taxes, the answer is no. However, it has traditionally been done, and that tradition began with R-Money’s dad, George Romney, in 1968 when he ran for president. Oh, and curiously those who are now claiming we’re just “jealous of Romney’s success” because we want to see if he really cheated on his taxes and became richer with government assistance while the rest of us paid a full rate (answer: YES) are the same folks who demanded John Kerry’s returns in 2004.

Turnabout is a bitch, you guys. [Read more…]

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