Who Got the Best Deal from the Champ Bailey – Clinton Portis Trade?

Earlier this week, the former Denver Broncos and Warshington Redskeeins tailback Clinton Portis formally retired from the National Football League at the age of 31. A victim of abdominal and groin injuries, Mr. Portis had been released by the Skins in February of 2011 having managed to play in only five of the team’s games in 2010.

Herr Portis’s levity and knack for a good quote always livened up the news cycle. A colorful person on and off the field, Portis will be revered in the nation’s capital for his Method acting in press appearances, originating several memorable characters including, but not limited to: the legendary Coach Janky Spanky, Bud Foxx, Bro Sweets, Dolemite Jenkins, Dolla Bill, Dr. Do Itch Big, Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Prime Minister Yah Mon, Coconut Jones, Choo-Choo, and your correspondent’s favorite, Southeast Jerome. [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Monday-haters of the World, Unite!

Happy Monday, you tools of the global kapitalist hegemony!

I don’t know what “hegemony” or “capitalism” really mean, but a hot girl on campus gave me a pamphlet deriding what those words represent and now I’m marching under a red banner. Not really sure how this is all going to end up, but I think the girl in dreadlocks has weed. Score!

I’mma go read up on some elementary Marxist criticism now. Then the college ladies will love me. In the meantime, here’s your morning reading. You’re welcome, America. [Read more…]

The Coolest Thing Ever

Well. That was fucking awesome.

I’m heading to the bar to decompress and continue watching the coverage of MANNINGWATCHHOLYSHITHE’SABRONCONOW 2012.

For those of you scoring at home, in my lifetime I got to watch Hall of Famer John Elway play at a high level for years, finally capping his career with two Super Bowl wins. Today, I got to watch John Elway close the deal with Hall of Famer Peyton Manning who instantly makes Denver a better team. 75/1 odds to win the Super Bowl before. Now 10/1.

And as for Tim Tebow? Play him off, Keyboard Cat.

Why I Am Leaving the Denver Broncos

(Tim Tebow sits, alone in a dark room somewhere in the bowels of the Denver Broncos’ Dove Valley complex, typing on a laptop.)

He reads aloud:
“By Timothy R. Tebow

Today is my last day with the Denver Broncos Football Club. After three full years — having given up my youth and loaned the organization my exceptional ball-carrying skill — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can say that the atmosphere is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, John Elway is a poo poo head and likes every other quarterback more than he likes me. That’s not fair; I love Jesus, and I love the Lord. So what if I can’t throw a timing route? So what if I get nervous and soil myself in the pocket? I should be the starter, because the God-fearing people of Denver like ME best. Think you’re going to sell as many jerseys with that fetushead under center? No way. I’ve got muscles and a scruffy apostle beard and kung-fu grip. He’s got a receding hairline and is a total jerky jerk for trying to take my job in the first place.

Mr. Elway has made his choice quite clear. So, as of right now, I’m resigning my post as Quartered Back of the Denver Broncos.”

/printing press flies open [Read more…]

Orton Release Gives QB New Life

"God, I can't wait to get out of here."

If you didn’t know this already, professional football is a different occupation than the ones you and I have.

Imagine working somewhere. You go to work every day, give all you’ve got to the organization. You have some successes, too. No, your stock isn’t the highest, and you haven’t bested every competitor. But you’re winning certain battles, losing others, and looking fairly good while doing so.

Then your boss comes to you and tells you to enter a backup role, since there’s a hotter prospect with some new ideas. Not only are you not taking the lead on projects, you’re barely there; a footnote in the history of the organization.

This is what happened to Kyle Orton, who rode a good Chicago defense in his rookie campaign to an 11-5 record while Rex Grossman was injured, made the playoffs, and then was promptly benched as soon as Grossman was healthy. Just didn’t seem right.

[Read more…]

An Existential Football Crisis


Hemingway called it “The White Bull”, that blank white space where typeface is supposed to go. And right now, I’m staring down The White Bull.

What can you say about a quarterback who doesn’t throw? What would you say about a running back who doesn’t run, or a wideout who doesn’t catch, or a defensive tackle who doesn’t tackle? It simply goes against every truth I’ve ever known in football, and I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. The entire thing is a contradiction.

[Read more…]

Occupy Easy Street: Week 11 NFL Picks

Happy Thursday, degenerates. You’ve almost made it to the weekend. And as much as I know you’d just looooooove to read about my Montana Grizzlies taking on the suddenly #1 ranked Montana State Bobcats this weekend, we just don’t have time to get into the 111th meeting between these two titans, so let’s get right to it.

Picks in bold.

Thursday Night Special
New York Jets (-6.5) at Denver
Man, six and a half is a lot of points, but let’s be honest here: If Rex Ryan isn’t supremely prepared for Tim Tebow’s idiotic “shotgun snap, run into the back of his guard” offense, he should probably go back to making foot fetish porn. Fact is, Ryan’s book on coaching defense dedicates an entire chapter to defending the option play. And since that’s the only thing Tebow is capable of running, I don’t anticipate a good result. Over/under is set at 40, and I’d bang the under like this one girl I used to bang a lot. Between the Tebow Shit Show and Mark Sanchez missing receivers by a mile, we may very well see two completions — total — between the teams this week.
I also wanted to add that while I think Tim Tebow’s inability to run a pro-style offense is atrocious, and while I believe he’s only useful running the option — and I’m right on both counts, by the way — I don’t have anything against him personally. I’ve been called a “hater” by many because of my opinion, but as a Bronco fan, would I not benefit from Tebow proving me wrong? I just don’t think he will, because I don’t think he can, because he’s not good at the one thing that is required from an NFL quarterback.

(-6) at Tennessee
Again, a lot of points. Again, Tennessee doesn’t have a shot. Atlanta’s angry coming off that overtime loss to New Orleans, and they’re not about to let Matt Hasselback get the better of them.

Buffalo (+2) at Miami
I couldn’t believe the Bills were being so disrespected by the oddsmakers to be dogs on the road against a terrible Miami team. When in doubt, check to see if Tim Tebow has ever beaten the team in question. Four weeks ago, he did just that to the Dolphins. Bills are the pick.

Cincinnati (+7) at Baltimore
Is star rookie wideout AJ Green going to suit up this week for Cincy? In trying to find out, I did an exhaustive (read: 3 seconds) Google search on “Bengals week 11 injuries” and ended up at the Bleacher Report. Now I’m not one to tell you what to do, but if you’re regularly reading the tripe on BleacherReport.com, you should probably stop what you’re doing and just go ahead and kill yourself. Be sure to leave a nice note.

Jacksonville (PK) at Cleveland
/fart noise
This was tough to pick. I mean, you’ve got a shitty, experienced quarterback lacing up for the Factory of Sadness Brownstains going against a shitty, inexperienced quarterback dressing for the South Georgia Meth Lab Jagwads. I guess I’ll take the shitty quarterback playing at home.
By the way, if you live in the viewing area for this game, I feel very, very sorry for you. Go to the bar and watch real football teams play real football. Or stay at home and self-mutilate. Your choice.

Oakland (-1) at Minnesota
I wouldn’t pick Oakland for much outside of a firing squad, but here we are. This is what you’ve been reduced to, Vikings. Proper punishment for employing Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb in successive years.

Carolina (+7) at Detroit
Detroit’s about to go on a run. Three of their next four are at home, and their lone road game during that stretch is with the very-beatable Saints and their suspect pass defense. Lions, big.

Tampa Bay (+14) at Green Bay
Last time Green Bay was a 14 point favorite after midseason, this happened:
And then this happened:
Not anticipating anything similar this weekend. Sorry, Tampa. You suck again.

Dallas (-7.5) at Washington
Remember week 3? Me either, as my brain is clogged with 32 years worth of malted hops and bong resin, so let’s refresh your (read: my) memory: The Redskins were a big story in the league with their Rex Grossman-led offense and their 2-0 record. Mike Shanahan was being celebrated by Redskins fans (like The Bunk) for his Shanaplan, impressive running game and passable quarterback play. Since the Skeeeeeeeins lost that game, Cooch Shanaplan has gone 1-5, and everything sucks again in the Beltway.
                                   Oooh, I’m gonna poop in that helmet when everyone leaves.

The Cowboys, even taking into account the Tony Romo being awful effect, should cover easily. Because the Redskins are awful at football. But they’re good at being casually racist.

Arizona (+9.5) at San Francisco
As the kids are saying, “LOL.”

Seattle (+1.5) at St. Louis
Seattle is a cooler city. Both teams suck, and I was tempted to take St. Louis at home given that they employ noted Tebow-hater Brandon Lloyd. However, they also employ noted moron Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator, which is enough for me to pick against them until the end of time. For no reason, here’s a picture of McDaniels at his introductory Broncos press conference:

San Diego (+3.5) at Chicago
When in doubt, remember that Philip Rivers, no matter how poorly he’s playing going into a game, has always and will always own Jay Cutler’s pouting ass. Rivers will laserfloat the Bolts to a victory, helped by Frown Cannon’s six interceptions. Gonna be epic, brah.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at New York Giants
This was going to be the week that the Eagles got off the schneid, but with Vick out … /sad trombone … and Vince Young likely to start … /SAD TROMBONE … Vince, don’t give up on your suicide. See that thing through.

Monday Night
Kansas City (+14.5) at New England
Excuse me, but if Timothy Richard Tebow did what he did against Kansas City, Tom Brady is about to run a train on these fools. The Todd Haley Firing Clock is about 3 minutes from going off. Don’t be surprised if he gets canned at halftime.
Oh, AND Matt Cassel met Von Miller this week, so he spent most of his Sunday looking like this…

I wonder if he’ll cry himself to sleep in a pile of 60 million dollar bills. That’s what I’d do.

Enjoy the games, you ungrateful snobs. And remember, if she doesn’t find you handsome, she should at least find you handy.

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