Come And Listen To My Story About A Man Named Jay

So this past weekend, ESPN analyst Tom Jackson got up in arms about Chicago Bears Jay Cutler not saying hello to a security guard and that this proves the point that There’s Something About Jay Cutler, where it may be nothing but it’s still something.

And that prompted the likes of Awful Announcing to go into detail about what goes into the Extremely Stupid Pundit Narrative.

But in Cutler’s case, the narrative isn’t always about how Awful Announcing describes it — there are those guilty of making Cutler out to be better than he really is. [Read more…]

An Essay on Rhetorical Greens: Should the Bohn Salad be Tossed?

You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna pour another glass of wine and finish this god damn script. But you know what I’m gonna do before that? Procrastinate and give you a piece of my uninformed yet shockingly savvy CU Buff mind. How is this strange dichotomy possible you ask? Astute question, my cute little* Buff Fan.

It was bred into me, and no matter how many football games I ignored while shivering next to my dad at Folsom Field, I guess I absorbed something more than hot dogs and BeerSmell™, like this little tidbit: Paul McCartney knows what he’s talking about cause he’s been there, and he was pretty good at his job. Amazingly, same goes Bill McCartney.

Shocking, right? Here’s my two cents:

Seems a few of ya’ll think a bad couple seasons = bad coaching. How about we simplify things for you ladies? [Read more…]

The Last Candidate Standing

Dear Mike Bohn,

Since your impulsive and short-sighted decision to fire Jon Embree, my disillusionment with your leadership of the University of Colorado athletic program has grown by the hour.

Thus far, you have offered virtually no insight into the reasons for Embree’s firing other than:

  • It was your idea, conceived in isolation, over the course of the past week or so; and
  • The program trajectories were headed in the wrong direction.

I anxiously await some clarity of your analysis of the Embree era.  Frankly, I would settle for an acknowledgement that Embree was hired to make a U-turn in a sinking, archaic, Soviet-constructed battleship, that he was hired to do so as the lowest paid head coach in a BCS conference, and that the school failed to alleviate any of the unnecessary baggage it heaps on the desk of its head coach.  [Read more…]

The Candidates

The Glorious People’s Republick of Boulder

Day #3 of the aftermath of the Jon Embree firing is on the books in Boulder, and with the exception of some comments from university president Bruce Benson very few glimmers of clarity have been shared with Buff fans. The most important order of business remains – hiring a new head football coach to be the face of the wayward athletic department.

In consideration of the criteria that athletic director Mike Bohn has shared, your faithful correspondent is left to conclude that the only remaining realistic candidates are:

  • Utah State head coach Gary Anderson;
  • Fresno State head coach Tim DeRuyter;
  • San Jose State head coach Mike MacIntyre; and
  • Former California head coach Jeff Tedford.

Given Bohn’s stated objective that the new Colorado head coach has previous head coaching experience, it seems unlikely that the school will be interested in Washington defensive coordinator Justin Wilcox, San Francisco 49ers (and former Stanford) offensive coordinator Greg Roman, and Stanford defensive coordinator Derek Mason.

[Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more…]

Nocturnal Emissions over the Fiscal Cliff

Good evening, future Powerball® runners-up.

You may recently have heard pundits talking about a “fiscal cliff” that is coming to kill us all soon.

Very soon.

Remember way back in 2011 when Congressional Republicans took the U.S. and A. to the brink of a technical default on the public debt to prove a point about something something taxes bad, military spending good, something, all other spending bad, Spain, Greece, something, Ireland, default?

That would have been bad, so at the last possible moment Congress relented and did what everyone knew they were going to do all along: kick the can down the road and leave it to a lame duck Congress to sort out our long term budgetary dilemma. If they fail, tax rates for just about everyone go up on 1 January, Her Majesty’s 2013 and federal outlays will be cut enough to send unemployment back towards nine percent.

Is it bad that your correspondent kinda sorta wants us to drive right over the cliff, for lulz? It would be a fitting end to the ongoing debacle that is the 112th Congress, thass fo DAM sho.

Here’s the Clinton News Network (CNN)’s Christine Romans explaining the timing of when the fiscal cliff’s various provisions kick in.

These People Deserve Each Other

Not the United States.

In order to understand the latest Israel-Gaza conflict through the prism of the seemingly unending Arab-Israeli conflict, one need only turn to one of the most brilliantly concise explanations ever written: “It’s the latest version of the longest-running play in the Middle East, which, if I were to give it a title, would be called, Two Groups of Racist Assholes Endlessly Killing Each Other.” Although Matt Taibbi was referring to the atrociously amazing writing of one Thomas Friedman, this should not obscure the point. If that sounds like flippant analysis, that’s because it is. It is flippant precisely because it is a meaningless fight between two deeply racist communities based entirely upon equal parts machismo, religiosity, stubbornness, tribalism and the ownership of a very specific number of arid, dry and generally useless square kilometers. Obviously it is not meaningless to the combatants, but it is (or at least should be) to Americans. [Read more…]

Unanswered Questions in the Land of the Buffalo

Well, I wanted to say it, and Jon Embree alluded to it earlier.  Neither Embree nor I needed to, because Colorado football coach emeritus and living legend Bill McCartney said it.  And Bill McCartney IS NOT WRONG.

I will not accuse failed athletic director Mike Bohn of racism.  But I do not trust him, and you probably should not either.

In the last four days, Mr. Bohn has:

  • Unceremoniously fired a proud alum and committed Buffalo;
  • Set the CU’s massive rebuilding program back at least two years; and
  • Failed to articulate his vision to turn things around.

On top of that, Mr. Bohn rolled out this zinger at the Embree termination press conference.

“I think every AD has a list of candidates that they’d love to have in the event there is a change.  We do, but we’ll see if we can pull it off.”

Sounds like a dishonest man … with a plan.  [Read more…]

Nocturnal Emissions on Climate Change

If you were born anytime after 1985, you have never experienced a month where global temperatures were lower than their long run average. If climate change is a myth invented by noted soshulists The U.S. Military and multinational insurance companies, the probability that we would experience almost 350 consecutive months of temperatures above average is somewhere south of the square root of fuckall.

The editors of this environmentally conscious e-magazine would like to point you to the Climate Denial Crock of the Week, a series of YouTube videos that do the Lord’s work debunking the silly things you might hear about climate change from apologists for the petrochemical, factory farming, and Christian Dominionist industries.

Hurricane Sandy was the largest hurricane ever measured in the North Atlantic as measured by diameter, low pressure, and basically any other metric you can think of. Could anthropomorphic climate change have anything to do with it, or was it just caused by solar flares/biased data/enviro-terrorist librul scientists?

The Time For Accountability Is Now

Before the University of Colorado can move forward with hiring a new head football coach, a lot of questions need to be answered. The primary one remains: What self-respecting candidate is going to be willing to take over this program?

Colorado just fired a lifelong Buff, and while tribal loyalty is not a good reason for maintaining a failed coach, it ought to justify giving the coach his rightful third year on the job. Embree was a great player and assistant coach for the University of Colorado, and he accepted a five-year contract (at a discount) to resuscitate his once proud program. Make no mistake – the program was in shambles upon Embree’s appointment as the 24th head coach in school history in December 2010.

Your faithful correspondent only wishes that these realities merited a third year at scenic Folsom Field. [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: