The Intellectual Dishonesty Of The Gee Oh Pee

The other day, I wrote that one of the things the GOPers need to keep in mind about the next four years is they can’t just appeal to Hispanics by nominating Marco Rubio.

For that matter, they can’t just expect to appeal to a certain demographic by nominating somebody from that demographic.

Douglas Lee at It’s All Over Fat Man brings up an excellent point about how “analysts” go about their business in discussing rookie quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III — long story short, Luck is supposed to be the classic dropback passer while RG3 is all about ATHLETICISM and somehow we should be surprised when either guy shows us stuff that goes outside the lines of the picture we want to paint.

As Doug sums it up: It’s intellectually dishonest.

And that’s one of our biggest problems with politics. Too much discussion is intellectually dishonest (read: Extremely Stupid Pundit Narrative) and no better example can be found that the GOP trying to figure out what went wrong in 2012. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Uses a Bayonet and Rides a Horse

Sorry Debate-aphiles, but last night was the third and final debate in this Presidential Election season, and we have only two (2) more weeks until we go to the polls and have our votes not counted by magical voting machines that Tagg Romney owns. If you haven’t yet read the play-by-play from our own Mlle. Bebe Gottbach (and the drunken rage that came with it), I’d recommend you do so today whilst your employer is paying your overly generous salary. That’ll show him.

Anyway, The Bunk and I went to a local drinking establishment to take in the debate on a large screen TV with sound played on a PA that is generally used by Rockabilly bands to propel songs about motorcycles and surfing and swing dancing towards audiences of girls with funny bangs who would look like pinups if they were just a little hotter. We sat in plastic lawn chairs on what is normally a dance floor. I yelled at the teevee and attempted funnies on teh Twitterz. The Bunk did likewise, and was funnier.

He and I saw the same thing: Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama really showing his stuff in an area of discussion where he’s simply much more competent than his competition. [Read more…]

Debateatron 2012: Are We There Yet?

[Editor’s Note: Reproduced below is last night’s live blog of the third and final 2012 presidential debate, brought to you by the exquisite Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D.

Here, brought to you by the New York Times, is the debate, with plenty of punditry before and after, for freedom.

Naturally, all of the best post-debate coverage came from foreign newspapers. Be sure to check out the Guardianthe BBCAl Jazeera, and a blistering assessment of American decline and denial from Der Spiegel.

Also, while our live blog is the best live blog (obvs), Matt Taibbi at Rolling Stone and John Cook and DDP favorite Mobutu Sese Seko at Gawker also put in a valiant effort.

So boyz & gurls, scroll down to the bottom and read up at your leisure. Good day.]  [Read more…]

Ladies Love Foreign Policy…

Ahhhh yeah, y’all. Tonight’s the night. The LAST DEBATE has finally arrived.

Soon we will go back to drinking just for the hell of it, instead of to enhance our observational skills. And dull the pain.

Tonight I’ma class it up a little. Out of respect for The Foreigns, tonight’s beverage will be white wine. It’s really easy to prepare white wine.

I’m classy. Like a brandy glass inside of a brandy glass.

Directions:

  1. Chill the bottle overnight*.
  2. Unscrew the lid.
  3. Drink directly from the bottle.

See? Easy peasy.

* Don’t put ice in it, or drink pink wine. That would be trashy.

Romney: “KILL ALL THE HUMANS”

20121021-211641.jpg(BOCA RATON, FL) – In just the most recent feat carried out by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s new artificial brain, the former Massachusetts governor’s Skynet® neural processor decided to substantially upgrade its knowledge base on foreign policy prior to the third and final presidential debate, which will be held tonight at Lynn University and be focused on international relations.

“It’s well known that foreign policy is not exactly the Governor’s strong point”, said Herbert “Herp” Derpington IV, a professor of International Affairs at Georgetown University and the chairman of the Romney campaign’s foreign policy team.

“He basically agrees with the president on most substantive issues apart from some of the finer points regarding the Israeli question, and we all know what that’s really about. A man needs to know what side his bread is buttered on, and Governor Romney’s dairy cow is named Sheldon if you know what I mean. That last statement is off the record, by the way. What do you mean, ‘that’s not how journalism works’?? Oh God, Mitt’s gonna be so steamed at me.”

[Read more…]

Boca Raton Wishes Its Morning Wood Wasn’t Chemically Enhanced

Nightmare fuel.

Two virile whippersnappers will show up tonight to debate foreign policy in Boca Raton, Florida. They’re going to discuss sending American citizens to die in the place where American citizens go to retire and die. It really is quite poetic.

In the Red Corner, Lord High Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romneyshire will continue to advocate bombing Iran, and Iraq, and Egypt, and Canada, getting the old ladies all excited in their swimsuit areas (and judging by the size of Ann’s swimsuit, that could be almost anywhere) with his preemptive strike talk and his fierce defense of Israel for his buddies in the region. Sounds like sound policy to me! Unless he changes his mind before the debates and tracks back towards the center. Let’s face it: He’s done this before.

And in the Blue Corner, Kenyan Prime Minister Barrack Hussein NOBAMA, a Thinking Man’s President (if that thinking man were from darkest Afrika), one who believes in looking before he leaps, and using diplomatic efforts whenever possible or until our diplomats are killed and dragged into the streets of Libya, which he will then call/not call it an act of terror in the Rose Garden.

And we need… let’s see… 90 minutes for this shitshow? Why? We know Mittens’ response to everything, and we have seen four years of Barack’s choices.

The Bunk will be along shortly to discuss tonight’s pre-debate update to the Romney CPU, and as always, Mlle. Bebe Gottbach will be liveblogging the actual debate so The Bunk and I may continue killing ourselves with alcohol. Gonna be a big night, I guess.
[Read more…]

The Morning Wood Learned A Lot Last Night

Well, the second Presidential Debate was last night.

CANDY CROWLEY: Actually, Mr. Sam, the Vice Presidential Debate counts as a “Presidential Debate,” meaning this was actually the third Presidential Debate.

/facepalm

Fuckin’ Crowley. Partisan hack because I don’t like being corrected because I’m Sam, goddammit, and I get to say what I want all the time AND CAN I JUST BE PRESIDENT NOW? GOSH.

And, SCENE.

Seriously, that’s essentially what happened last night when His Lord High Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romneyshire made an accusation that the President (or as Mitt says, “Preznint”) did not call the attack on the US Embassy in Libya “an act of terror” for “two long weeks.” And then Candy Crowley, debate moderator and likely eater of the last brownie (bitch) corrected him, mentioning that President Barry Hussein NOBAMA did in fact call the incident “an act of terror.” And then Mitt’s face got radish red and then Twitter started claiming that Crowley was a partisan hack and in the President’s pocket (FOR CORRECTLY FACTCHECKING THE DEBATE IN REAL TIME, which took some brass fucking balls, by the way) because Twitter is hivemind groupthink echo chamber now for the #Breitbart army.

Would have been better if she’d been more assertive, but at least she got the facts right. Mitt was assertive as hell and was wrong, making him look like a dipshit. BOOSH (and/or “Kakow”).

[Read more…]

Debateatron 2012: Debate Another Day

8:40PM: For crying out loud. God. I’ve never been so happy to see a hot black man leave my TV screen. Jesus. I’m done y’all. Done. DONE.

Do you realize… this horrible GOP candidate is effectively TIED with Obama?! He’s done nothing but lie, and half of the people in this country are ok with that.

Good night, I’m going to go drink and cry.

8:39PM: I’m a victim of this fucking debate y’all. I USED TO BE A HAPPY PERSON. I USED TO LOVE FLOWERS AND KITTENS.

Now I just want to drink and lay on the floor.

8:37PM: *throws self to floor* He’s such a liar. SUCH a liar. When he left Mass., they were 47th in job creation.

http://www.factcheck.org/2012/06/romneys-jobs-record-is-best-or-worst/

8:36PM: ERMAEVERLOVIN’GHERD Y’ALL I CAN’T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT MUCH LONGER.

[Read more…]

GIN FOR EVERYONE!!!

Tonight’s bev is a little something I call “Hey, can you add some fruit juice to this?”

 

mmmm…

It goes a little something like this…

 

2 ounces of gin

1 ounce of Orange Juice

1 ounce of Cranberry juice

4 ounces of Tonic Water

 

Shake, and pour over ice! Easy peasy, sneaky, and sooooo soooo good.

GET LIT!!!

DDP EXCLUSIVE: Romney To Unveil Jobs Plan Before Second Debate

Anticipating a more lively performance from Barack Obama in the second presidential debate tonight at Hofstra University, Mitt Romney’s debate preparation team has been hard at work fortifying the Republican nominee against every conceivable contingency.

For example: to ensure that Governor Romney is as well educated as possible about economic matters, after the first presidential debate his economic advisors downloaded a version of the Federal Reserve’s Dynamic Stochastic General Equilibrium model to the GOP candidate’s new brain. The blood-cooled super-processor residing in the front of Romney’s cranium, which is capable of a remarkable 4.9 quadrillion floating point operations per second, is now able to run millions of simulations of the definitive model of the American and global macroeconomies and analyze the results in under a second. [Read more…]

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