The Cockpunch: Rule of Law Edition

In just a few minutes, the American peasantry will learn of the fate of the Dreaded Robomneycare, alternatively known to attorneys and undersexed wonks as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.

The prognosticating experts of are in a bullish mood this morning, assigning a 73.5 percent probability that Johnny Roberts and the Supremes will rule that the individual mandate portion of O’Bummercare is odious to the memory of our nation’s Founding Slave Owners.

Libtardz all over the land are wringing their soft, effeminate hands over the possible death of the individual mandate at the, uh, hands of a delegitimized, nakedly political court. HOWEVAH, if this provision is struck down but mandatory coverage for pre-existing conditions is kept in place, the private health insurance industry will go belly up in a few short years. This is actually the best possible outcome if you want ‘Merica to join the rest of the civilized world and adopt a single-payer national health system but don’t mind cracking a few eggs (euphemism for allowing some sick poors to die) to get there.  [Read more…]

Euro 2012: The Iberian Civil War

Oh hey there, you sexy thangs.

There is something special about the semifinals of major sporting tournaments. Whether it’s the Final Four™ in ‘Merican college basketball, or the unique FA Cup semifinals that once were contested at a neutral venue roughly equidistant from the clubs in question, or the Frozen Four or any conference championship game or series at the professional levels of American sports, the semifinals are where shit starts to get real for the players and fans alike.

Maybe it’s because in many respects, the semifinals are as difficult or more so than the final. At the end of the day, the tournament brackets are arbitrary. You’re just as likely to face the strongest opponent in the semifinal as in the final, because math. Once the penultimate battle is joined, if your side takes the lead you can’t help but begin to think that the fairy tale deity of your choice, in His wisdom, has bestowed grace on you; this year is your year. All of the hard work, emotional rollercoasters, and sacrifice, not only in this season but really since you were just a little nipper will be worth it when your heroes step into the arena to vie for the right to occupy the pinnacle of your sport.

When your snotty classmates made fun of you for plastering your bedroom walls with posters and collecting trading cards and wearing the same replica jersey 300 days in a row, that hurt. But now you can take pleasure knowing that your boy/girlhood team is going to ascend the heights of glory, and it will mean that much more to you than it will to them, wherever they are now (well above you in the social and economic hierarchy, probably).
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Euro 2012: Oh Please God Make It Stop

Same shit, different year.

Your correspondent has held steadfast to his goal of watching (more or less) every minute of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, at the expense of a balanced social life, physical fitness goals, and general mental health. Watching three hours of fútbol per day for the better part of a month is grueling, but becomes less so once England is customarily eliminated in the quarterfinals in a penalty shoot-out, as was the case yesterday against the Eye-talians.

It’s partly because there is less soccer to be watched once we reach the latter stages of the tournament, but mostly because I can watch the remainder of the competition as a mere neutral observer, hoping for entertainment rather than praying to Thor and His Hammer for every unlikely result that would guide England to glorious victory in the final.

Of course, to get to the final you must find a way not to lose in the quarterfinal. The boys from In-ger-lund have been unable to manage  this since Euro ’96 in England, when playing at the old Wembley Stadium they (rather improbably) beat Spain in a penalty shootout before losing to ze eventual winners, ze Germans, on penalties in the semifinals. England has gone out on spot kicks in major tournaments in 1990, 1996, 1998, 2004, 2006, and now 2012.

/kills self [Read more…]

Euro 2012: And Then There Were Eight


It is probably time for you to orient yourself towards St. James’ Gate, Dublin, assume the position, drink of the Blood of Christ Jameson and give thanks to Guinness and His prophet Smithwick (Praise Be Upon Him) that the quarterfinals of the Euro 2012 RAYCESSISM & fútbol pageant are set to begin (2:45 PM Eastern on ESPN).

What’s that you say? Your New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking in the morning, alone at your work desk? NO ONE ADHERES TO NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS, YOU SILLY FUCK. Just make sure you chew some gum to mask the smell of booze in case you’re called upon to do something productive, which is unlikely, because you are a meaningless vestigial organ of a corporate person.

So, the footballing wheat has been separated from the chaff, and only eight nations remain in this glorious competition. In the spirit of fair play, good, clean entertainment, and beautiful Eastern European women, WHO YA GOT? [Read more…]

The Cockpunch: Chuck Klosterman Edition

So I’ve been in this cycle lately wherein I read Chuck Klosterman’s excellent Killing Yourself to Live, which is ostensibly about dead rock stars but also has several truths about our generation in this current day and age. It’s a marvelous read, and I recommend it to anyone who likes compelling writing, great storytelling, and many funny ha ha.

Thing of it is, I can’t put it down. I purchased it for Ye Olde iPad around Christmas, and have read it no fewer than three times since. Airports. Hanging at home. In the park. I can’t get enough of the stories, and of the writing style, that make Klosterman such a fun read.

So it was with great pleasure that I learned of Chuck’s ascension to the position of Ethicist with filthy librul rag The New York Times.

Do I know what an ethicist is, or does? No, I do not. Going out on a limb, I’d say it’s likely that he’s to write about ethics. Now, I have no personal knowledge of Mr. Klosterman’s personal ethics, nor his ability to write about them. However, I do feel he’s a fairly astute observer of humans and their motivations for action, so I think he’ll do quite well. Plus, I’ll get to read him more often.

And maybe I can finally put down Killing Yourself to Live. On to the links:
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Euro 2012 is Bread and Circuses for Peasants

Soccer fans

From the desk of J. Daniel Bateman, QC
Private Secretary & Legislative Liaison
By Appointment to HRH The Duke of Lancaster
Royal Crescent
Bath BA1
United Kingdom

19th June 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, and I use those terms charitably:

At roughly 18:45 Greenwich Mean Time today, you will gather around your hand-cranked teevee sets to take in the last two group games of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, brought to you by Adidas, Cannon, Castrol, Coca-Cola, Continental, Orange, Telekomunikacja Polska, Hyundai-Kia, Carlsberg, McDonald’s, SHARP, and the Djarum Tobacco Company of Indonesia.

I, as a representative of your betters, cannot adequately express with words my delight at the news that so many of you colonists have re-gained an appreciation for football. And by “football”, I mean football, not that vulgar human demolition derby pantomimed in tights, shoulder-pads, and cosmetic helmets by minorities ill equipped for any station in life that does not involve inflicting traumatic brain injuries on one another for the entertainment of the masses. [Read more…]

The Cockpunch: Climate Change is a Myth Edition

via The Colorado Daily

The Cockpunch is a new daily feature here on the DDP, bringing to one place the news and links that we, the editorial staff of this intrepid publication, are reading on any given day. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Colorado is on fire. The so-called High Park Fire has already claimed 181 structures in the fire zone, people have been evacuated, and more than 50,000 acres of terrain has been burned thanks to a combination of beetle-killed trees, hurricane-force winds (pretty unusual for Colorado in June; we’ll get to that in a bit), and unseasonably warm (read: HOTTER THAN SHIT) temperatures. Basically, the combination of the last two items in particular are driving the flames across the mountains, filling our air with smoke (USA! USA! USA!) and threatening to burn the entire fucking state down. [Read more…]

Euro 2012: A Progress Update on Group D

Oh yeah he meant to do that…

I love tournament football because it allows me to yell “GET THE BALL OFF YOUR FOOT, YOU FUCKING CUNT!” at the television without being subsequently taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation. Whereas in club football, I support my team and all of its players, at the international level there are some compromises. I get to root for players I wouldn’t normally but whom I like, such as Manchester United’s Danny Welbeck and Tottenham Hotspur’s Scott Parker, but I have to tolerate scumbags like John Terry and Ashley Cole. There’s something delightfully dysfunctional about hurling the most breathtaking abuse at players you’re supposed to be supporting. You should try it!

[Read more…]

Euro 2012: A Progress Update on Group C

Fernando Torres is bringing SEXI back.

Aloha, motherbitches!

Your be-hated correspondent has been enjoying every minute of this quadrennial festival of thinly veiled tribalism, xenophobia, jingoism, and outright RAYCESSM, oh and also football. How about you?

To-day is the last day of the second of three matches for each participant nation in the tournament. As just the latest of several indignities suffered by Yours Falsely, I will be unable to watch the second half of England’s almost certain defeat at the hands (feet?) of a shower of Swedish bastards, because of something called a “staff meeting”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Oh wellz, I will remain vigilant, not check Twitter, and catch up later using ESPN®’s brilliant WatchESPN™ application for mah iPad. Seriously, if you have a cable/internet subscription through a participating provider, and a smartphone/tablet/laptop/PC, I command you to get this app.

In the meantime, here’s what’s been going on in Group C, which might have rivaled Group B for the “Group of Death” moniker had all of Ireland’s most athletic specimens not emigrated to Australia 170 years ago, for freedom prison. [Read more…]

Euro 2012: A Progress Update on Group B

Herr Gomez makes it two against the Dutch

Top o’ the morning to all three of you!

W. Mittens Romney thinks you’re lazy scum , but we think you’re pretty OK and have therefore crafted this review of the first two matchdays in the Dreaded Group of Death for your entertainment and/or procrastination at your menial employment.

After the Portuguese eked out a victory over Denmark yesterday, your correspondent prayed to Zombie Jesus that the Netherlands would beat Germany 3-2. This would have put all four teams on the exact same points, goal difference, and goals scored and would have made for a completely frantic final day of Group B action. But it wasn’t to be, because Islam is the one true faith and God hates us all.
[Read more…]

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