Hail to the #Failskins

20130107-224202.jpgWhen Robert Griffin (RG)III, the young star quarterback of the Washington Racists Redskins caught his toe in the chewed-up turf at FedEx Field® on Sunday night as he fell across the sideline in a vain attempt to put his team two touchdowns ahead of the Seattle Sea Hawks, his resultant gimpy hop/walk back to the huddle sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of all Sons of Washington.

The federal district, not the state. Those football-watching Washingtonians who get to have U.S. Senators and some semblance of autonomy from Congress instead found themselves salivating like Pavlov’s pomeranian at the prospect of three quarters against badly damaged opposition, and who could blame them? It was pre-obvious that our most precious resource (RGIII, to hell with The Children), would be kept in far too long at the risk of his health and the Skins’ hopes of advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

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The Morning Wood Recognizes The Gentleman From Kentucky

mitch mcconnell lolFriday, bee-yotches! Enjoy yourselves!

American Hero and U.S. Senator for the great state of Kentucky Mitch McConnell has, somehow, made the Senate an even more dysfunctional place than it was already.

“But how is that even possible Detective Moreland?”, says you.

“By introducing a bill weakening Congress’s power over the debt limit just to prove a point that Democrats don’t have enough power to pass it, getting outmaneuvered by Harry Reid, and then having to filibuster his own bill. Because he didn’t actually want his own bill to pass.

Because My Friend, the Tortoise from Kentucky was just grandstanding on the floor of the world’s greatest deliberative body.

Because Mitch McConnell is terrible”, says me. [Read more…]

Almighty God Hath Smote Karl Rove’s Morning Wood

Simpsons Karl RoveGlory be to God, for it is Wednes Daye and the work week is almost half over. Soon our daily toils will cease temporarily for whole-some recreation, for rest, and for stricte observance of the Sabbath Daye wherein we shall stone loose womyn and disobedient children until dead, for Yahweh.

There is one man who will not reste so peacefully, however. Nay, this heretick hath turned away from the LORD and will surely suffer the consequences!

Known atheist politickal operative Karl Rove oversawe roughly $200 million dollars in soft-syde contributions from his variouse “Krossroads” electoral slush funds, and upwards of 96% of that moste preciouss bounty was spent in support of losing candidates, for shame.

Compare that withe the 96% elecktoral success rate for the notorious abortionysts Planned Parenthood, for the gravity of God’s anger towards the unbeliever Rove becomes clear. Our LORD’s implement on earth, Roger Ailes, has even banished the turd blossom from the ayrwaves of Fox Noise, a moste hellysh punishment in deede!

You there, hapless peasant. Stop scratching your genytalia and be ware of this fallen man’s example. Those who deny the one true GOD, his son Hesucristo, and the Holy Tebow are destyned for frustration in this life and damnation in the nexte!

On to the lynx, you pagan fools!

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Nocturnal Emissions over the Fiscal Cliff

Good evening, future Powerball® runners-up.

You may recently have heard pundits talking about a “fiscal cliff” that is coming to kill us all soon.

Very soon.

Remember way back in 2011 when Congressional Republicans took the U.S. and A. to the brink of a technical default on the public debt to prove a point about something something taxes bad, military spending good, something, all other spending bad, Spain, Greece, something, Ireland, default?

That would have been bad, so at the last possible moment Congress relented and did what everyone knew they were going to do all along: kick the can down the road and leave it to a lame duck Congress to sort out our long term budgetary dilemma. If they fail, tax rates for just about everyone go up on 1 January, Her Majesty’s 2013 and federal outlays will be cut enough to send unemployment back towards nine percent.

Is it bad that your correspondent kinda sorta wants us to drive right over the cliff, for lulz? It would be a fitting end to the ongoing debacle that is the 112th Congress, thass fo DAM sho.

Here’s the Clinton News Network (CNN)’s Christine Romans explaining the timing of when the fiscal cliff’s various provisions kick in.

Nocturnal Emissions on Climate Change

If you were born anytime after 1985, you have never experienced a month where global temperatures were lower than their long run average. If climate change is a myth invented by noted soshulists The U.S. Military and multinational insurance companies, the probability that we would experience almost 350 consecutive months of temperatures above average is somewhere south of the square root of fuckall.

The editors of this environmentally conscious e-magazine would like to point you to the Climate Denial Crock of the Week, a series of YouTube videos that do the Lord’s work debunking the silly things you might hear about climate change from apologists for the petrochemical, factory farming, and Christian Dominionist industries.

Hurricane Sandy was the largest hurricane ever measured in the North Atlantic as measured by diameter, low pressure, and basically any other metric you can think of. Could anthropomorphic climate change have anything to do with it, or was it just caused by solar flares/biased data/enviro-terrorist librul scientists?

The Morning Wood is Reverse Racist

Good morning, you pitiful peons!

If you haven’t heard, Chris Brown is a talentless scumbag pop “singer” with a predilection for violent behavior, including that time he famously beat up his girlfriend and fellow pop superstar Rihanna.

Recently, Mr. Brown has been repeatedly and publicly mocked by Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5), a very talented comic writer and possibly the funniest woman on Twitter. To say that Young Master Brown did not take kindly to these remarks would be an understatement; the noted male pop diva eventually deactivated his Twitter account after promising to sexually assault Ms. Johnson with his feces, or something, in one of the more epic nuclear meltdowns in the history of that microblogging service.  [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
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The Morning Wood Has That Texas Speed

Happy Friday, fuckers!

Let’s get to the links.

As much as the editors of this vaunted periodical enjoy criticizing Slate, most of their stuff is pretty good. You may have heard that in the wake of Kenyan Usurper Barack Hussein Obama’s reëlection a small but vocal contingent of racists has taken to the internets to demand FREEDUM from the tyrannical U.S. and A., because they are “patriots”. 

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Defending the Electoral College Does Not Make You Clever

It must suck to be handed by your editor an assignment to write a gratuitously provocative argument that just blatantly doesn’t stand the laugh test. You’ll be branded as a troll in exchange for your employer getting a few page views from people who, like slow motion car wreck video enthusiasts, just can’t deflect their eyes from the impending carnage.

The worst offender is of course Slate, the online daily magazine associated with that most mediocre of major ‘Merican newspapers, The Washington Post. A bastion of corporate center-left neoliberal ideology, the editors at Slate love nothing more than to have their long-suffering staff construct (in vain, always in vain) the best argument possible for some of the most ludicrous positions imaginable.

There’s even a tongue-in-cheek hashtag for it on Twitter: #slatepitches.

Whether it’s Slate or the contrived adversarial banter on mindless ESPN panel discussions, participating in naked trolling of your readership/viewership just can’t be much fun. Your correspondent wouldn’t know, because he is as much a “journalist” as he is a winged unicorn from Candy Land. HOWEVAH, the state of the industry is evidently such that even the most highly regarded writers can be railroaded by overbearing management into defending the silliest propositions on the internet.

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