Actually, We Do Know Who Won the Bailey/Portis Trade

My dear friend and co-editor of this family-friendly news magazine, The Bunk, wrote a lovely piece waxing poetic about the career of one Clinton Portis, who announced his retirement yesterday and summarily launched a million articles asking who won the trade between the Broncos and Redskins for his services.

On the other end of that trade, you’ll remember (or maybe you won’t; I have zero idea how much pot you’ve smoked, hippie) that the Broncos got future Hall of Fame Cornerback, party animal and oddly-shaped-head-guy Champ Bailey, who has remained in the Broncos defense and has, for nearly a decade now, effectively cut off an entire side of the field to the passing game of lesser quarterbacks from other teams.

Comparing each team’s haul in the trade and defining who “got the better deal” is folly in his mind; tantamount to asking “Is Amurrka the Greatest Nation on Earth?” and other “silly parlor games.”

The truth is, we do know who won the trade. [Read more…]

Who Got the Best Deal from the Champ Bailey – Clinton Portis Trade?

Earlier this week, the former Denver Broncos and Warshington Redskeeins tailback Clinton Portis formally retired from the National Football League at the age of 31. A victim of abdominal and groin injuries, Mr. Portis had been released by the Skins in February of 2011 having managed to play in only five of the team’s games in 2010.

Herr Portis’s levity and knack for a good quote always livened up the news cycle. A colorful person on and off the field, Portis will be revered in the nation’s capital for his Method acting in press appearances, originating several memorable characters including, but not limited to: the legendary Coach Janky Spanky, Bud Foxx, Bro Sweets, Dolemite Jenkins, Dolla Bill, Dr. Do Itch Big, Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Prime Minister Yah Mon, Coconut Jones, Choo-Choo, and your correspondent’s favorite, Southeast Jerome. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Akin Breaky Heart

We’re trying something new today. Let us know in the comments if you like it.

Todd Akin’s (R-Your Vagina) terrible, horrible, very bad day just continues on without an end in sight. His small lead in Missourah has disappeared, almost before he was finished with his masterful phrasing of “legitimate rape.” Senator Claire McCaskill, once legitimately worried about losing to the Tea Party-backed upstart, hasn’t had to say a word. And poor Mr. Akin just keeps talking.

He’s lost his backing, both from the GOP and the Tea Party. The entire country of Republicans — seeing that this could cost them their shots at office too — have called upon him to resign. He just says no, cuts more ads saying “sorry for my explosive boner!“, and goes on another talk show to once again justify what he said.

In the words of Springfield Police Chief Wiggum, “dig up, stupid.” [Read more…]

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