Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more…]

These People Deserve Each Other

Not the United States.

In order to understand the latest Israel-Gaza conflict through the prism of the seemingly unending Arab-Israeli conflict, one need only turn to one of the most brilliantly concise explanations ever written: “It’s the latest version of the longest-running play in the Middle East, which, if I were to give it a title, would be called, Two Groups of Racist Assholes Endlessly Killing Each Other.” Although Matt Taibbi was referring to the atrociously amazing writing of one Thomas Friedman, this should not obscure the point. If that sounds like flippant analysis, that’s because it is. It is flippant precisely because it is a meaningless fight between two deeply racist communities based entirely upon equal parts machismo, religiosity, stubbornness, tribalism and the ownership of a very specific number of arid, dry and generally useless square kilometers. Obviously it is not meaningless to the combatants, but it is (or at least should be) to Americans. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood is Thankful for Something. Probably.

Good morning, Richards.

And so it was, after a weekend away with friends, watching my college football team lose at home to their chief rival, drinking far too much beer and puking up what was left of my stomach lining (after New Mexico red chile burned off the first layer), saying yes after a day of drinking high gravity beer to the question, “Hey, does anyone want some whiskey?” from an earnest and lovely young woman, and possibly being roofied, that I returned home to my flat fortified compound in south-central Denver.

To find no toilet paper. And my car with a flat tire.

Yep. This is my life. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more…]

Let my people go! No really, just let them GO. GO, people. GO NOW.

So apparently, undocumented mental cases in 30 states have started petitions to allow their state to secede from the union.

Now, I could go on a rant about how INCREDIBLY STUPID these people are, but I think it’s been done. I could say something about how the 155 people in Pennsylvania might just not be truly representative of the rest of the state they want to rip away from Momma ‘Merica… but I think that’s obvious.

So. I’ve created my own petition… which I URGE YOU ALL to sign. The text, and link, are below:

we petition the obama administration to:

Please assist all the secessionists in moving somewhere, like Texas, then let them secede. The rest of us are TIRED.

Four score and about 7 minutes ago, those of us who are not prone to histrionics, and are pretty sure there will still be an America in 4 years, came to the conclusion that the problems we currently face are really really paranoid people who lack a basic understanding of things like ‘separation of powers,’ and ‘government,’ and ‘macro-economics.’ In the vacancy formed by rational thought, fear and ignorance floods in like the tide. Words like ‘socialism’ and ‘communism’ get tossed out, without the tosser actually knowing what those words mean.

Maybe it’s time we just let them all congregate in one place, build a big wall around themselves, and leave the rest of us alone so we can get on with the work of making America stronger and better? What say you, rational Americans?

PETITION

The Morning Wood is Sincere

We get accused of a lot of things here at this little Dick Joke Emporium you’ve come to love tolerate. “The editors are extremely bright, handsome and talented.” True. “That Bowtie guy is a centrist Democrat; I think he’s putting me on.” VERY true, even if he doesn’t know it. “Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D is the hottest thing since sliced bread.” Yep.

But one thing you could never accuse the members of this site of is being insincere.

It’s a trait that we — all of us — share with our newly re-elected President, Mr. Barack Hussein Nobama Soetero Benghazi A-La Mutombo.

That was brought into stark relief last night, as I finally saw the video that had been flying around the interwebz for a few hours and is likely everywhere today. [Read more…]

What Does Four More Years™ Mean To YOU?

20121107-120151.jpg
As the editors of this award-winning* periodical partied the night away with upwardly mobile members of the Colorado Democratic-Farmer-Labour Party, we discussed how last night’s comprehensive victory was significant on so many levels apart simply from four more years of Kenyan Anti-colonial Soshulist Islamic Marxist Hitlerism in the White Haus:

  • The Tea Party has been exposed forever as the fraudulent fever dream of fanatics who belong nowhere near any kind of responsible office, and its continued existence guarantees electoral victory for Democrats;
  • The GOPee must come to terms with secular demographic trends and concede the fact that it can no longer be the party of old white southern men if it wants to remain a viable national movement;
  • When given (reasonably) well-crafted ballot initiatives, Americans on both coasts and the Rocky Mountain West spoke up in favor of civil liberty and against dogmatic puritanism. Over time, we may find that the decriminalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado may even be more significant than a second term for W. Barry Bamz; and
  • The coalition for civil rights is rising again, with great effect. The people of the Great State of Maryland took a great progressive leap forward by becoming the first citizens to directly order their legislature to grant equality under the law to gay and lesbian couples and families. Martin O’Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and present governor of Queen Mary’s Land, was a pivotal figure in convincing influential black church leaders to come correct on the most pressing civil rights issue of the day. A newly minted progressive powerhouse, his national ambitions have surely become even stronger.

To-morrow, we will publish the thoughts of our contributors as to what four more years of Hip-Hop Barbecues in the White Haus means to them.

You should contribute as well.

Yes, you. Briefly close your browser tabs to RedTube, YouPorn, and PornHub and send ~200 words and a pseudonym to publius1981@gmail.com, for freedom.

*not intended to be a factual statement

The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters. [Read more…]

Tonight’s Festivities

Well, it’s been quite a day for us. Guess we’ll just turn in and call it a night. Maybe make some tea. Read a good book. Masturbate ourselves to sleep.

PSYCHE!

We’re totes going to be LIVE LIVE LIVE for the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIVES UNTIL THE NEXT ONE®, and you don’t want to miss any of the festivities.

First things first: Our good friend and the only PhD on staff here, Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D, will be live-blogging the events right here on this very website. Bring your cocktails, your snarky comments, and your huddled masses and join us for what should be a debauch-ariffic night with one of the finest live-blogstresses on the planet. And if you think I’m kidding, YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Secondly also too, Detective Bunk Moreland, The Bowtie and Magic Sam will all be Live-Tweeting the evening from our respective and extremely partisan parties across the Denver area; You may follow the updates and contribute by searching #DDPElection and by using that hashtag in your own tweets. It’s like you’re a part of the show, only not really because you haven’t given money to our reelection campaign so obviously it’s just like real Democracy.

You don’t want to miss this! Election results! Grab-assery! Dick Jokes!

You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only be using the EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGE!!!!1!ONE!!

%d bloggers like this: