The Brave New World of Hipster Racism

Thug Life.

Oh man. Last week, whilst your correspondents were preoccupied with the 2012 NFL draft, the bloggernets blew up over a very interesting, if flawed, post on Jezebel by the lovely Lindy West regarding the state of race relations in Amerika (hint: they’re not great).

By now, all three of our loyal readers should have gathered that the editorial board of this esteemed publication likes nothing more than RAYCESSM , but we were too busy agonizing over the annual sporting drama in which a few hundred (mainly black) athletes are systematically denied their right to make the most of their immense (but fleeting) talents by negotiating the terms of their employment on something approximating a level playing field.

So I guess that’s our iteration of the always awkward whiteboy declaration that “I’m not racist you guys, I totally have black facebook friends LOL!”. Except that while Magic Sam, Vincent Casablancas, and I are aware enough to recognize this violation of the spirit (and possibly the letter) of Our Failed Nation’s anti-trust laws and the disproportionate impact it has on young black men, we still watch the draft without fail, every year. [Read more…]

Large Site Announcement: Race Week Begins Monday

No, this site is NOT going to a NASCAR fan site. Frankly, we can’t stand those people.*

Rather, inspired by Lindy West’s spectacularly written piece on Jezebel yesterday about ironic racism, the purveyors of dick jokes and RAYCESSISM you’ve come to know and tolerate here at the Daily Dickpunch have decided to dedicate an entire week to race and race relations.

Two white guys talking about race? For an entire week? What could possibly go wrong? [Read more…]

Fappin’ in the First: Magic Sam’s Mock Draft

I hate to distract from the simply marvelous other football soccer coverage on this here magazine, but… you guys… The NFL Draft is tonight. Holy shit, you guys, I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write something about one of the greatest spectacles in sports and/or the longest-running violation of American Anti-Trust law. It’s going to be an epic night.

The lights! The cameras! Chris Berman sweating profusely! Mel Kiper’s hair! Mike Mayock’s bizarre-ass, barely-audible-but-that-almost-makes-it-worse-because-is-he-or-isn’t-he lisp! Suits with 12 buttons! Suits with 15 buttons! Merrill Hoge and his Octuple Windsor knot tie! Suzy Kolber (I would hit it)! This chick! (Call me!)

Your intrepid correspondents will be viewing the first round tonight (which is simulcast on both ESPN and NFL Network, and probably on a Spanish language station too; I’m lazy and RAYCESS, so I won’t be providing that information. ¡Arriba!) at the home of one Vincent Casablancas, who in addition to writing strong takes about your Colorado Rockies, has a home properly set up for drinking and viewing television on Denver’s north side.

On the menu: Magic Sam’s Magic Ribs, simmering as I type this in a crock pot of their own juices, various accoutrements and barbecue sauce. For FREEDOM®. Garlic toast, beans and beer will also make an appearance. Gonna be sexy.

But you’re not here to be turned into a drooling mess at your desk by my domesticated prowess in the kitchen (if I could be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, I would. Sadly I’m forced to wear shoes at all times. Something something TERRORISM). You’re here to talk football.

So let’s get our sexy on. Presenting the first three rounds of Broncos Draft Picks, 2012: [Read more…]

Some Things We Learned from Real Madrid (3) 2-1 (3) Bayern Munich

LOL #RonaldoFAIL

When your correspondent awoke this morning to regale you with tales of teh soccerz, he at first could not remember much of the details of the UEFA Champions League semifinal second leg showdown between The Master Race Bayern Munich and General Franco Real Madrid. Due to meetings and the fact that I don’t currently have cable, I couldn’t watch the match live and therefore avoided the twitterbox, facebooks, and soccernets all afternoon to stay blissfully unaware of the scoreline, the better to enjoy the digital video recording at Magic Sam’s house later, with hors d’oeuvres and freedom on the side.

But not that generic ‘Merican freedom, the one that has strong notes of tacky nationalism and an aftertaste of gunpowder. No, this was the fancy imported Euro variety, with pronounced hints of universal healthcare coverage, generous vacation time, and sensible attitudes towards vice. [Read more…]

Some Things We Learned from Barcelona 2-2 Chelsea

Last night’s victory for Chelsea on aggregate in the semifinal of the UEFA Champions League® was one of the great moments in the modern history of the competition and certainly the most historic achievement for Chelsea in Europe.

Although the mighty Barcelona was heavily favored in both legs of the semifinal, Chelsea managed not only to win 1-0 home but also to hold Barcelona to a 2-2 draw at the massive Nou Camp stadium, booking themselves a place in the final in Munich on May 19th. This match had it all: great goals, controversy, red cards, missed penalties, and an unrelenting Barcelona siege on the Chelsea goal that came up empty handed.

What did we learn, besides the fact that everyone should drop whatever they’re doing today and watch the other semifinal between Bayern Munich (who have an opportunity to play the final in their home stadium) and Real Madrid, who vanquished Barcelona in the league last weekend to end a truly miserable era of inferiority to their ancient Catalan rivals (coverage from 2:00 pm Eastern Time on FX, check your local listings)? Mostly that Barcelona isn’t very good.

I keed, I keed!
[Read more…]

Farewell to The Wolverine, Weapon X, and Brian Dawkins

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And so, the mighty warrior himself hung up his arms and walked away from the battle he loved. Gone will be the jersey, the cleats, the helmet. The thick neck stays, of course, to hold up the warrior’s head after a long career of destruction and demolition.

There has not been one like him. In the new-age NFL, with flags delivered for hard hits now more than ever before, we may never see another Brian Dawkins. [Read more…]

Just Livin’ the Dream, Bro

OH HEY, happy Monday you no-talent ass clowns!

Do you remember your dreams? Your correspondent rarely does unless they are especially annoying or terrifying, like being sentenced to hard labor on Newt Gingrich’s moon colony, mining precious stones to make trinkets for his Aryan wife of the week. I’m sure I deserve it for something I’ve done in life.

The dreams I tend to remember are in a class I call “frustrated athlete” dreams. At the beginning of ski season I find myself driving up to the base of the mountain, looking forward to a great day ripping through the trees with my harem of ski bunnies. This should be outlandish enough to wake me immediately, but the iron laws of logic, probability, and physics become mere suggestions in the dream state. Case in point: I keep pinching myself / stabbing myself in the face with a red-hot retractable pencil, and after three years America still has a black president. THAT DON’T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE! [Read more…]

The Rockies Geriatric Baseball Revolution

Fun fact: Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer learned to pitch by throwing rocks at Redcoats in the early days of the American Revolution.

Real fact:  Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer is OLD; old enough to become the first starting pitcher in baseball history to win a game at the age of 49; old enough to have been traded in a package by the Chicago Cubs in the acquisition of Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams; old enough to have reached his pitching prime in 1997, at age 34; and old enough to have earned his first 20-win season in 2001 at age 38.   

May the evidence show, Jamie Moyer is in fact old. [Read more…]

Denver Broncos 2012 Preview: Part 2

Good morning, heathens! Did everyone get some good whiskey sleep last night? I know I did.

I’m not into wasting time, so let’s continue breaking down the rest of this schedule. If you’ll recall, yesterday we broke down weeks 1-6, right up to the bye week. It was brutal, but the team will come out of it okay at 4-2.  Today: Weeks 8-17, or what I affectionately call, “after six weeks of hell and a bye.” [Read more…]

2012 Denver Broncos Season Preview – Part 1

The NFL sure knows how to market themselves. Even when there’s no season to discuss, and even when the draft — which should be the next “event” on the NFL calendar — they still throw down.

Yesterday, they (Finally! /sarcasm) released the 100% real season schedule, putting an end to the rampant speculation on blogs not nearly as renowned and honest as this one. And let me tell you folks: the Broncos schedule is BAAAARUUUUUTALL.

Broncos may have the toughest schedule in the league, honestly, and if it wasn’t for Peyton Manning coming to wear the orange and blue, I’m not sure this team wouldn’t pick first in next year’s draft. Something, something, TIM TEBOW.

We have several prime time games on the slate, including two the first two weeks of the year, against playoff teams. In fact, a full half of the games scheduled are against teams who made the tournament last year. [Read more…]

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