Tonight’s Festivities

Well, it’s been quite a day for us. Guess we’ll just turn in and call it a night. Maybe make some tea. Read a good book. Masturbate ourselves to sleep.


We’re totes going to be LIVE LIVE LIVE for the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIVES UNTIL THE NEXT ONE®, and you don’t want to miss any of the festivities.

First things first: Our good friend and the only PhD on staff here, Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D, will be live-blogging the events right here on this very website. Bring your cocktails, your snarky comments, and your huddled masses and join us for what should be a debauch-ariffic night with one of the finest live-blogstresses on the planet. And if you think I’m kidding, YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Secondly also too, Detective Bunk Moreland, The Bowtie and Magic Sam will all be Live-Tweeting the evening from our respective and extremely partisan parties across the Denver area; You may follow the updates and contribute by searching #DDPElection and by using that hashtag in your own tweets. It’s like you’re a part of the show, only not really because you haven’t given money to our reelection campaign so obviously it’s just like real Democracy.

You don’t want to miss this! Election results! Grab-assery! Dick Jokes!

You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only be using the EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGE!!!!1!ONE!!

Calm Down, Calm Down

Listen, you guys.

Stop fretting over the perception that Barry Obama “lost” the debate. The concept of winning or losing a debate is incoherent, and this wasn’t a real debate anyway. It was an opportunity for both candidates to do one and only one thing: fuck up colossally, and neither candidate did that.

Well, sort of. In an alternate universe where politicians are accountable for lying through their teeth, Governor Romneytron 3000 would be in a right old spot of bother this morning.
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Morning Wood: Monday, 1 October 2012

Good morning, troglodytes. Mondays are dumb, like Honey Boo Boo Child dumb, and I don’t want any part of it so I’m going back to bed. In the meantime, please do peruse the morning links below and put Type O Negative’s October Rust album on heavy rotation, for freedom.


Thirty-six days remain until the 2012 presidential election, which is without a doubt the single most important election in American History, until the next one. The campaign of the Mexican aristocrat W. Mitt Romnero is on life support, down in the polls in almost every state the Mittster simply has to win to reach the magic 270 electoral college votes.

But that’s okay you guys, because according to Chris Christie, the gluttonous Governor-General of Her Majesty’s New Jersey, this campaign hasn’t really started! That’s right, Mitt Romney’s constant fuckups and “47% of Americans are degenerate leeches” video don’t matter because no one pays any attention to presidential elections until the debates anyway.

How very, very convenient for the Romney camp! [Read more…]

A Counterpoint to High-Minded Objections to Voting for Obama

Yesterday, I spent hours and hours trying to reconcile figures in a series of spreadsheets. It was every bit as fun as it sounds.

This is an annual exercise that wouldn’t happen in an organization with the right incentives towards investing in information technology or basically any other asset whose internal rate of return doesn’t exceed that of the political cycle. You’re welcome, taxpayers of Colorado!

Anyway, having finally figured out the culprit in a forensic accounting effort of the first order, I was mentally shattered and had no idea what to write about to entertain our loyal readers, WHOM ARE LEGION.*

*not intended to be a factual statement

Fortunately, Magic Sam had stumbled across an article in the Atlantic Monthly that was crying out for a response. Not a rebuttal necessarily, but a response.

A counterpoint, if you like. [Read more…]

The Knives Are Out for Mitt Romney

If you live in the red areas, Mitt Romney cordially invites you to eat shit and die

W. Mittens “Mitt” Romney, known forever after as the Money Badger, is a fuckstain on the fabric of America.

But you probably knew that already, even before the not-at-all shocking revelation of exactly how Romney feels about the millions and millions of Americans who are not inclined to vote for him.

There are TeeVee characters whose ease with breathtaking insults is legendary. Basil Fawlty, David Brent, and Malcom Tucker come to mind, and it’s no coincidence that all of them are creations of the British Broadcasting Corporation. Howevah, when it comes to actual, non-corporate people there may be none more well versed in the art of verbal savagery than Mitt Romney.

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Mitt Romney Has Never Experienced Morning Wood

Monday Monday Monday, oh how I loathe thee.

You there, peasant. Is your name Dennis, perhaps?


Well that’s okay. Feel free to procrastinate doing anything productive and read about the silly things going on in the world instead, for freedom.

Faced with polling and statistical models that suggest that the 2012 presidential contest is slipping out of the well-manicured hands of Willard, Lord Mittens of Romney, his campaign is resorting to that most desperate of countermeasures: to actually be specific about his policy prescriptions for America.

Heretofore, the the 2012 R-Money campaign (which began precisely six seconds after his ludicrous 2008 primary concession speech to the victorious John “WALNUTS” McCain) had focused on the stagnant economy and the specious argument that a Wall Street biznes suit knows best how to heal an economy that had been taken to the brink by the unchecked speculative excesses and criminality of other Wall Street biznes suits. [Read more…]

NEWSFLASH: Getting Old Sucks

As you may have suspected since stumbling upon this web magazine, its editors and contributors suffer mightily for their “art”, if you are so charitable as to allow me to use that word in describing the verbal atrocities committed here every day in the name of dick jokes and SOSHULISM.

As Magic Sam mentioned earlier this week, your correspondent had an unfortunate mishap with an anatomically incorrect sex toy on the soccer field and broke his scapula, temporarily rendering him a vicodin-soaked wretch unable to formulate or type coherent sentences.

“But The Bunk, how is that any different than normal?”, I can hear you saying to yourself with a smug affectation not befitting someone of your caste… [Read more…]

The Morning Wood Enjoys Long Walks, Bill Clinton, and FOOTBAW

Happy Thursday, menial servants of the One Percent! The morning air is crisp, the leaves are beginning to fall, and your correspondent is feeling the urge to put Type O Negative’s October Rust album into heavy rotation.

Glory be to Allah and His prophet Muhammad (Praise Be Upon Him), for it’s football season! Between FOOTBAW and a tasty general election matchup between Bammerz Hussein and Lord Touch-of-Grey™, this weblog’s busy season is now upon us, so buckle up and read some linkz!

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You Are Being Lied to About Social Security and the Federal Budget

From time to time, your correspondent will take a reprieve from Marxist dick jokes to educate his faithful readership on a Very Serious Matter. This is one of those times when both major ‘Merican political parties are guilty of inconsistent logic at best, and at worst are having their cake and eating it with regard to the medium term fiscal direction of this failed nation.

Yesterday, the gross national debt breached an arbitrary figure: $16 trillion. That is one hell of a lot of money, and you can bet that every GOPee official with enough tech savvy to use Twitter was up in arms about how this portended one thousand years in the wilderness for Amerika if the spendthrift Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama should be reëlected.

That notion is not worth any further examination, and is conveniently not what is at issue here today. Rather, it is how each political party approaches the federal deficit and how those approaches relate to their policies regarding how Social Security should be funded.

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We Built This Morning Wood

Yesterday, the brain trust of half of Amerika’s political spectrum gathered in scenic Tampa, Florida to answer the age-old question: How many saltine crackers can you fit in the Tampa Bay Times Forum?

On the first full day of its quadrennial orgy of racism, self-loathing, and suppressed homosexuality, the organizers of the Republican National Convention worked diligently to indoctrinate attendees with the mindless slogan “We Built This”, a series of monosyllables that should present relatively few cognitive challenges for the stars & stripes tee shirt-wearing, bald eagle-festooned masses huddled in a 19,000 seat taxpayer-financed hockey arena.

But what does this curious statement mean, this “We Built This”? What are they referring to? The quagmire in Iraq that killed more Americans than 9/11, wasted $1 trillion, and left something like half a million Iraqis dead? Yes, they definitely built that.

How about a near-default on the national debt which cost the federal gubmint its AAA credit rating, jarred the economy, and cost hundreds of thousands of jobs, for FISCUL CUNTSERVATISM? Yes, they definitely manufactured that.

The third leg of the GOPee-built balsa wooden stool is a political discourse where corrupt plutocrats are job creators, evolution is a myth, the orphanage is a better fate than having adopted gay parents, and women are incubators (but only for illegitimate rapes, you guys).

The Republican National Convention is silly and pointless. To be fair, so is the Democratic National Convention. If anything important happens [SPOILER ALERT: It won’t. – Ed.], you can read about it on this web site. In the meantime, if you are a glutton for punishment check out Gawker’s RNCee coverage, featuring lots of LULs and the peerless Hamilton Nolan killin’ it all the day long.

To the links, you plebeian scum! [Read more…]

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