The Morning Wood and The Simple Joy of Quiet Bye Weeks

I can’t stand the bye week idea in the NFL for a lot of reasons. The idea of bye weeks is to let teams have a weekend off during the season to recover some injured players, get a struggling team back on track, maybe fire a defensive coordinator when the real problem is your offense turning the ball over every week and your quarterback’s steadfast refusal to slide and save his smaller frame from injury.

So yes, Virginia, I get the point, but suffering through a weekend in which I know my team simply will not play is brutal, combined with the bye attrition that comes with my fantasy team (I’m going to lose by a thousand points this weekend, you guys, and it has everything to do with having 7 guys on a bye. That’s half my fucking team), and I’m not a happy boy for much of the weekend. I’d rather the league give two bye weeks — one for each half of the league — in the middle of the season. You’d avoid the random “team with a week 3 bye,” which is fucking stupid, and “team coming off the bye absolutely destroying a non-bye-having team because they had two weeks to prepare and are far fresher at key positions” issues.

Mostly, I’m just whining. About my fantasy team. Sorry about that.

Anyway, with the utter destruction in San Diego that the Broncos handed out to the Chargers on Monday night, creating more questions for a team already rife with them, this bye week is a lot sweeter than most have been. Oakland is in free-fall; they’re a bad team with a rookie head coach, low talent, and an insane fanbase. Kansas City has maybe the worst quarterback controversy in the history of ever, with Brady Quinn (ugh) and Matt Cassel (UGHHHHHHHH) battling it out for the top spot on another bad team where the fans are threatening an Arab Spring-type revolt. Yowza. [Read more…]

Son Of Debateatron 2012: The Vice Squad

[Editor’s Note: Here, reproduced in all its boozy glory, is Mlle. Bébé Gottbach’s strong take on last night’s 2012 Vice Presidential Debate in which Handsome Joe Biden told Paul Ryan (R-Holy Roman Empire) to STFU and GTFO.

Here’s the debate in its entirety:

And here are summaries and analysis from the Huffington Post, the Washington Post, Politico, the Guardian, and lastly Faux News.

It’s Friday, so have a drink or six before lunch and celebrate this festival of democracy.]

HEY AUDIENCE, SHUT UP.

Right. Got my drank. Got my livestream. Got my crappy attitude and sarcasm all strapped on…. let’s party.

GASP in amazement at Paul “I’m Catholic, but charity is for bitches” Ryan’s thousand yard, blue eyed, P90X loving stare! ALSO GASP at the goofy shit Joe “Uncle Joe” Biden verbally vomits, and yet still somehow manages to come off as likable and “Actually That Guy We Hired To Help Run Shit.” [Read more…]

Joe Biden Has Morning Wood For Paul Ryan’s Female Relations

Youse guyz,

Handsome Joe Biden (D-Amtrak) and Freddie Munster Paul Ryan (R-Ayn) will face off in an epic debate about foreign and domestic policy tonight at 9:00 Eastern / 7:00 Mountain Time. These historic proceedings will be moderated by ABC News’s Chief Foreign Correspondent Martha Raddatz, who we can only hope will manage better than the hapless Jim Lehrer.

Our own Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D. will be live-blogging the proceedings beginning a few minutes beforehand; do have a look at her memorable improv performance during last week’s Presidential Debate wherein the humanesque Mitt Romney bamboozled Barry Bamz with lies, damned lies, and statistics.

The format will be nine segments beginning with a question from Frau Raddatz, two-minute responses from each candidate, and then a discussion. Here’s a preview of the proceedings: [Read more…]

Morning Wood: The Long Game

Everyone watched Barack HUSSEIN O’Bummer’s speech last night, right?

“He hates America so much, doesn’t he? Like, he just wants a… he’s looking for a… global… /wordsoup

Sure, there were a few overstatements. There always are in political speeches, particularly at conventions (except when Paul Ryan is speaking; he just cuts out the middle man and lies directly to all of our faces because BOOTSTRAPS and MUSLIMS), when accomplishments are shone from behind with a bright light to make them look enormous. Ol’ Barry’s speech was good. Not Michelle Obama good, and not Bill Clinton good, but good. He’s a smart man, and on the whole he has good ideas for the country.

But my favorite part of Barry HUSSEIN’s speechifyin’ is his steadfast refusal to sell us plans that create bubbles rather than create a solid economy. Our infrastructure is crumbling around us. Our public transportation is a fucking joke. He said it in 2008, and he said it again last night: this isn’t an easy process, getting a giant economy on track again. Given the mess he was left with — ZOMG U CANT BLAME BUSH 4 DIS TAYK SUM RESPONSBILLSDLJTY! — he’s done a fairly masterful job of getting the economy moving. [Read more…]

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