Let my people go! No really, just let them GO. GO, people. GO NOW.

So apparently, undocumented mental cases in 30 states have started petitions to allow their state to secede from the union.

Now, I could go on a rant about how INCREDIBLY STUPID these people are, but I think it’s been done. I could say something about how the 155 people in Pennsylvania might just not be truly representative of the rest of the state they want to rip away from Momma ‘Merica… but I think that’s obvious.

So. I’ve created my own petition… which I URGE YOU ALL to sign. The text, and link, are below:

we petition the obama administration to:

Please assist all the secessionists in moving somewhere, like Texas, then let them secede. The rest of us are TIRED.

Four score and about 7 minutes ago, those of us who are not prone to histrionics, and are pretty sure there will still be an America in 4 years, came to the conclusion that the problems we currently face are really really paranoid people who lack a basic understanding of things like ‘separation of powers,’ and ‘government,’ and ‘macro-economics.’ In the vacancy formed by rational thought, fear and ignorance floods in like the tide. Words like ‘socialism’ and ‘communism’ get tossed out, without the tosser actually knowing what those words mean.

Maybe it’s time we just let them all congregate in one place, build a big wall around themselves, and leave the rest of us alone so we can get on with the work of making America stronger and better? What say you, rational Americans?


Debateatron 2012: Are We There Yet?

[Editor’s Note: Reproduced below is last night’s live blog of the third and final 2012 presidential debate, brought to you by the exquisite Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D.

Here, brought to you by the New York Times, is the debate, with plenty of punditry before and after, for freedom.

Naturally, all of the best post-debate coverage came from foreign newspapers. Be sure to check out the Guardianthe BBCAl Jazeera, and a blistering assessment of American decline and denial from Der Spiegel.

Also, while our live blog is the best live blog (obvs), Matt Taibbi at Rolling Stone and John Cook and DDP favorite Mobutu Sese Seko at Gawker also put in a valiant effort.

So boyz & gurls, scroll down to the bottom and read up at your leisure. Good day.]  [Read more…]

Ladies Love Foreign Policy…

Ahhhh yeah, y’all. Tonight’s the night. The LAST DEBATE has finally arrived.

Soon we will go back to drinking just for the hell of it, instead of to enhance our observational skills. And dull the pain.

Tonight I’ma class it up a little. Out of respect for The Foreigns, tonight’s beverage will be white wine. It’s really easy to prepare white wine.

I’m classy. Like a brandy glass inside of a brandy glass.


  1. Chill the bottle overnight*.
  2. Unscrew the lid.
  3. Drink directly from the bottle.

See? Easy peasy.

* Don’t put ice in it, or drink pink wine. That would be trashy.

Debateatron 2012: Debate Another Day

8:40PM: For crying out loud. God. I’ve never been so happy to see a hot black man leave my TV screen. Jesus. I’m done y’all. Done. DONE.

Do you realize… this horrible GOP candidate is effectively TIED with Obama?! He’s done nothing but lie, and half of the people in this country are ok with that.

Good night, I’m going to go drink and cry.

8:39PM: I’m a victim of this fucking debate y’all. I USED TO BE A HAPPY PERSON. I USED TO LOVE FLOWERS AND KITTENS.

Now I just want to drink and lay on the floor.

8:37PM: *throws self to floor* He’s such a liar. SUCH a liar. When he left Mass., they were 47th in job creation.



[Read more…]

Son Of Debateatron 2012: The Vice Squad

[Editor’s Note: Here, reproduced in all its boozy glory, is Mlle. Bébé Gottbach’s strong take on last night’s 2012 Vice Presidential Debate in which Handsome Joe Biden told Paul Ryan (R-Holy Roman Empire) to STFU and GTFO.

Here’s the debate in its entirety:

And here are summaries and analysis from the Huffington Post, the Washington Post, Politico, the Guardian, and lastly Faux News.

It’s Friday, so have a drink or six before lunch and celebrate this festival of democracy.]


Right. Got my drank. Got my livestream. Got my crappy attitude and sarcasm all strapped on…. let’s party.

GASP in amazement at Paul “I’m Catholic, but charity is for bitches” Ryan’s thousand yard, blue eyed, P90X loving stare! ALSO GASP at the goofy shit Joe “Uncle Joe” Biden verbally vomits, and yet still somehow manages to come off as likable and “Actually That Guy We Hired To Help Run Shit.” [Read more…]

The Lady Needs A Drink…

While it is true that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard*, tonight’s debate drink is the glorious Rusty Nail.

Proof of the divine, and proof that we are loved.


It’s really easy to make y’all. Mix 2 ounces of nice Scotch with an ounce of Drambuie, toss in some ice cubes…. then multiply that by 4, put it in a big plastic cup (’cause you’re trash and you know it), and drink that shit up!

Not only does it taste really good, it gives you instant “Old Man” cred. Which is great when you’re engaged to a Swiss guy who drinks things that come with fruit wedges and paper umbrellas. *sigh*


It’s almost time kids…. strap in!


* Note: Milkshake contains Vodka.






Debateatron 2012!

Thanks for playing, kids. And if you’re sitting out there, drunk, alone in a media room… hang on, that’s me… Wait.  No. I mean… IF YOU’RE AFRAID. If you don’t know where the bus is going, just that it’s probably going to stop REALLY SUDDENLY, causing you to jerk your neck really hard, and omg doesn’t that just make your head hurt? Yeah, so. If you feel that way about America… This is for you.

Zombie kitten is STILL adorable. Seriously, that could do a bunch of bath salts and eat my face off ANY TIME.

It’s gonna be ok. Seriously. It’s all gonna be ok… (Except Medicare. That is totally fucked)

Nite folks!

8:30PM: Oh wow… I totes just figured out what bugs me about Romney… he’s a millionaire who I just could NOT imagine doing a couple of rails off a stripper’s ass. And that’s just WRONG, people. What’s the point of having all that money if you’re just going to sit around being white, fleshy, and BORING???

My live stream has just died. I guess this is the sign off. It’s probably for the best. Not even spell checker is going to keep me from looking like Tara Reid circa 2002… I love you all. No really man, I LOVE you. *sobbing* I just…. I just LOVE you guys.

8:29PM: Obama is hitting all the high points in his closing. He’s laying out a summary of all his points. It’s cohesive, well done. I’m drinking tequila from the bottle. I’m soooo puking after this.

8:28PM: Coin toss sounds so dirty. SPIT IT OUT, SOCIALIST.

8:26PM: Omg. Wtf is Romney talking about?!?! hahahahah This is the beauty of DrunkBlogging a debate. Is it just me? Or was that total jibberish?! This is what I heard:


[Read more…]

Get Your RepubliDemocratic Drank On!!

Dear Alla Y’all,

Tonight’s drink of choice is the “Margarita Ala This Dude I know in Texas, Vance, who totally does it with my bestie.” For the sake of not coming off like a pathetic drunk, I’ma pretend I haven’t been drinking these every night this week… and possibly last week too.


Here’s how you make it:

1 can (12 ounces) frozen Minute Maid Limeade (Yeah, you could go store brand… but why be cheap?)
12 ounces Tequila
12 ounces Sprite
6 ounces Grand Marnier
1 bottle dos equis (green, fools, green!)
My fella likes to mix this with a wisk until the Limeade melts in (because he’s a gay homosexual), but a spoon will do!

Chuck in freezer until really cold, then chuck in mouth until unconsciousness occurs!

I’ll be live blogging tonight’s debate whilst drinking these… until I switch to the Tequila by itself at some point. When that happens, I want it known that Magic Sam and The Bunk cannot get mad if this becomes debate slashfic.


Mad with power,


[Editor’s note: You can find Mademoiselle Gottbach’s brilliant live-blog here.]

Desperation In The Land Of Mittens Romney

Poor poor Mittens.

Seriously y’all, I actually feel sorry for the guy at this point. He just wants it SO BAD, and I doubt old Mittens has ever not gotten what he wanted, so this has got to be blowing his mind.

What blows MY mind is why Mitt Romney has become this flag in the wind. Why is Mitt Romney flipping on pretty much every issue ever, and every position he’s ever held, to get this nomination? He’s GOT it now. Why not go back to the guy that (badly) governed Massachusetts? He was a fairly centrist guy. This guy running for office now… He’s like Bella from the Twilight books. There’s nothing there, just a vacuum where a personality should be, and every crowd gets to pretend he’s them I guess.

And can I just say… this has got to be the WORST run campaign in decades. Seriously, can there be any doubt that the Republican party is on its last, wobbly legs? I’mma just toss this out folks: MARCO RUBIO. Sure, I think the guy is wrongitty wrong wrong, but if Romney had tapped him for the veep slot, he’d be winning right now. Instead, as of this writing, the RNC gave Romney a negative bump and was generally a bumbled, unexciting mess while the DNC was flawlessly (with the exception of that embarrassing vote to add The Jayzuss back into the platform) executed.

How can this guy be expected to run a country when he can’t run a freaking 3 day infomercial catering to people who’d lick his asshole if he was constipated?! [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Dispatches from Dystopian Red State America

Governor Rick Scott (R-Florida)

Shocking events in TeaPartystan!
Florida Governor Rick Scott’s administration got a SHOCKING LETTER in the mail y’all.

Apparently, children with disabilities like autism, cerebral palsy, and Down’s Syndrome are being stored in nursing homes where they’re denied the therapy, education, and types of interaction they need. Things we consider to be a right. Now, that’s pretty bad, and Rick Scott is ON it y’all. He won’t stand for it. He’s ordered an investigation! FIND OUT WHO STORED THESE KIDS LIKE SO MUCH HUMAN DETRITUS. This shall not happen on Rick Scott’s watch!!

Fortunately, it’s not going to be really hard to figure out how this happened. In fact, with only very minor googling, YOU TOO can solve this mystery!! [Read more…]

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