Denver Broncos: New Uniforms On The Horizon?

Tim Tebow is about to do it again, folks. Be ready.

No, he’s not going to bring Denver from behind again to get an unlikely win. (I mean, he might. This is Tim Tebow we’re talking about. He leads comeback victories like Newt Gingrich makes crazy statements, which is to say “with regularity.”) But he may well lead the league in jerseys sold for the second time when the Broncos change their look in 2012.

What you see above is NOT the Broncos’ new uniform. It is unlikely that the white-horse/orange D will ever return to the Broncos’ logo, as they’re not looking to go back in time.

We’ve all heard about the Broncos’ plan to return to the Return to Orange. This is not news.

What has not been discussed, at least not at length, is the likelihood that the team will change uniform styles completely, doing away with the “suspender” look and going back to a more traditional, hard-nosed football uniform.

Less dash, more smash. [Read more…]

Handicapping the 2012 Miss Teen Intellectually Handicapped Florida Talent Show

Happy Monday, you no-talent ass clowns. Tomorrow, the Republican Party’s long, slow death march makes a stop in Florida, a state where even the relatively intelligent voters can’t fill out a ballot properly.


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The Greatest Comic Genius of Our Era

He doesn’t do impressions, contort his face for the cameras, or do slapstick. He just is who he is.

And who he is is the funniest man on the planet.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bill Fucking Murray. [Read more…]

A Confidential Communication from Party Headquarters


To: Agent Mittens; Agent Cracker
From: Agent Snowball (First Among Equals)
Regarding: The Inexorable Forward March of the Socialist International

COMINTERN HQ has watched with great interest as you have dispatched the early pretenders to the Republican nomination. As you know, it is of critical importance that the rabid base of the party be thoroughly crushed and dispirited, over and over again, until such time as they abandon their false idol worshiping and unite with the workers of the world to create a bright, red future for America.

According to the bourgeois gambling website Intrade, the chattering classes have assigned a 91.6% joint probability that one of you will win the nomination. This pleases the Central Committee to no end; however, we must not consider our struggle to be over yet. As long as Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are winning delegates we must continue to work with the dignity of New Soviet Men to provide false hope to the embittered underclass of this failed nation.

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Raiders Snake Dennis Allen From Denver

Via ESPN.comWith one move, the Oakland Raiders may have won two games in their 2012 campaign. Not a single down was played.

Dennis Allen, who came to Denver last off-season and was the Broncos’ 6th Defensive Coordinator in as many seasons, has been selected as the first head coach of the post-Al Davis era. Allen, who managed to take a unit that was dead last in nearly every important statistical measurement and turn them into a very strong, able-to-win-games-for-their-over-his-head-quarterback defense that finally put the D back in Denver.

Make no mistake, this is bad news for Denver. Even if Allen doesn’t work out in Oakland, losing the consistency that a good DC brings to a young defense will be a tough pill to swallow.

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This Week in Trolling, Brought to You by Thalidomide®

It’s time for the second installment of the long-running Daily Dickpunch exclusive known as This Week in Trolling, where we celebrate the people who thrive on treating Americans like morons.

When notified by his aides that Doug Lamborn (R-Colorado) would not be attending the State of the Union, Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama reportedly replied “Lulz, who the fuck is Doug Lamborn?”

A very good question indeed, you tricksy little hobbitses. If you happen to live near the godforsaken hellhole that is Colorado Springs, I present your representative for the Fighting Fifth Congressional District. Ha ha, sucks to be you!

Mr. Lamborn is known for having among the most partisan voting records in the modern history of Congress, earning a 100% legislative scorecard from the Union of Concerned Theocrats and making him by far the least interesting member of the House of Representatives. He ascended to the seat formerly held by 10-term representative Joel Hefley, the well respected former chairman of the House Ethics Committee who oversaw investigations of legendary nutballs like Jim Traficant and Tom DeLay. Oh, how CD-5 has fallen.

If Mr. Lamborn was merely an idiot, he would have STFU after clumsily using a racial epithet to describe Barry Obama’s role in the debt ceiling negotiations but no, the congressman is clearly striving to be the DeeCee Troll of the Year.

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Handicapping the 2012 South Carolina Sons of the Confederacy Grits-eating Contest

Down with the Eagle, and Up with the Cross!

Hooray hooray, for it is Fri-day, and tomorrow the enlightened voters of the least enthusiastic member of our United States get to weigh in on which man deserves to embarrass America’s allies and embolden her enemies.

WHO’S GONNA WIN? I don’t know or care, and neither should you! But we will still take the piss out of all of them, because we hate freedom.

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A Tale of Two Protests

One was waged from computer terminals in coffee shops, bars, homes and offices. It was extremely effective, moved the needle in a big way, and helped change the system almost immediately.

The other was waged in public parks and spaces, involved a lot of yelling, pepper spray, annoyance of people just trying to get to work. It was not effective at all, and has become something of a punchline; hippie kids in North Face coats re-living the ’60s by “taking it to the man.”

The first example is the Stop SOPA/PIPA protest. For one glorious day, many high-traffic sites went dark (ours didn’t; I said “high-traffic,” not “high-Tebow-mention”) including Wikipedia and Reddit — the former causing much grief and consternation in the academic community, as kids couldn’t research and teachers couldn’t put together lesson plans — to simulate what a world under SOPA/PIPA could look like. It had a direct focus. It had a reason for being.

Those two things that the hobo collective known as the Occupy Movement has never had. [Read more…]

This Week in Trolling, Brought to You by Valtrex®

They see me trollin’. They hatin’.

You may have noticed that the publishers of this esteemed journalistic venture observe all federal holidays, the occasional powder day, and sick days, because we are lazy soshulists.

But now we’re back, and if you think the elimination of Tim Tebow and the rest of the Denver Tebows from playoff contention leaves us with nothing intelligent to say, you’re spot on. But that never stopped Newton Gingrich and it won’t stop the cockpunching either, for Libertee and Freedom™.

Today we begin an exciting weekly feature known henceforth as This Week in Trolling, a compendium of the week’s highlights from people who piss on your shoes and tell you it’s raining. Off we go!

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Powder Day!

Well, we only had to wait til the third week in January for a truly epic powder day here in Steamboat, but it finally arrived. I’m out doing what is depicted above. The lentil soup-eating cretin you all know as The Bunk has been laid low by food poisoning, but he says he’ll have something up around noon.

Until then, I’ll be on the Gondola, and he’ll be in the ladies’ room.

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