Fail To the Redskins, Episode Eleventy Billion

Everyone’s favorite National Felon League laughingstock, the Warshington Redskeeins, soared to new heights of craptitude this weekend by taking out three first mortgages and a second mortgage to play a $50 million game of roulette, betting the house on black (THASS RAYCESS!) quarterback Robert Griffin, a gifted athlete, noted gentleman, and the greatest scholar in the history of Baylor University, situated in scenic Waco, Texas.

It’s an extraordinarily risky maneuver, even for an organization known for splashing the cash. Whereas they once pissed away their salary cap space on failtards like Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta, Brandon Lloyd, and Fat Albert Haynesworth, the Skeeeeeins will now pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that Young Master Griffin can lead them to the promised land, i.e. out of the cellar.

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Here’s a short video clip of the great man in action.

Your dutiful correspondent was convinced the very moment he saw it that RGIII would be taken second in the 2012 draft. It appears this will be the case, unless the Indianapolis Colts decide not to Suck for Luck and select Griffin at #1 instead, which for this self-loathing Redskins fan would be simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking.

Here’s #BlackJesus running the 40-yard dash at the 2012 combine:

Eh, that’s pretty quick. Only the fastest 40 yard dash ever posted by a quarterback at an NFL combine. Did you know that Robert Griffin was the Texas state champion at the 110 meter and 300 meter hurdles and won the outdoor Big XII 400 meter hurdles title as a freshman?

Robert Griffin is a freak of nature and might have been worth the acquisition price if the Redskins could build a team around him. This seemed possible due to the unusually large amount of room ($40 million) the Skeeins had to play with below the 2012 NFL salary cap of $120.6 million.

Vincent Jackson? Vincent Jackson.

Howevah, noted arch-villain NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly ruined Dan Snyder’s 15th consecutive NFL Offseason Championship by announcing that the Sons of Washington would be docked $36 million in salary cap room over two seasons for front-loading player contracts in the uncapped 2010 season. The Dallas Cowboys were also deemed guilty by Judge, Jury, and Executioner Goodell, handing a nice divisional present to the World Champions of a Sport Only Played in One Country (the New York Gints) and the Dream Team™ a/k/a the Philadelphia Iggles.

The facts that a) the Skeeeeins and Cowboys didn’t violate any rules and b) all 2010 player contracts were approved by the league apparently mean nothing. The league had told its member teams not to take advantage of an uncapped year to artificially lower their salary cap exposure in future (presumably capped) years, and everyone but the Skins and Cowgurlz did as they were told like good little sheep. So, the rest of the league got all pissy and demanded that Something Be Done, and it was.

In a sane world, celebrated shitheads Dan Snyder and Jerruh Jones would sue the hell out of the league and win because Roger Goodell has blatantly overstepped the bounds of his authority. Howevah, it’s not as simple as all of that. If Messrs. Snyder and Jones appeal this notorious injustice to a law court, it opens up the NFL’s very murky status with respect to the antitrust laws of this failed nation. It would be obvious that the league and 30 of the 32 teams colluded to pay free agent football players less than a competitive market would (and THASS ILLEGUL) but any suit arising out of this could blow up the league entirely, a fate far more damaging to the Dan and Jerruh Show than a temporary salary cap penalty.

Why doesn’t the players union sue?, you ask. Well, because the union has already agreed to drop all prior collusion complaints as a condition of the new collective bargaining agreement, and because the penalty imposed on the Redskins and Cowboys will be offset by increased spending authority for the other 30 teams.

The Redskins could have built their offensive line to employ the plug & play running game that made the Denver Broncos so formidable under the reign of Mike Shenanihan. They could have drafted talented wide receivers or a long-term replacement for LaRon Landry but no, they went after a franchise quarterback, arguably the first real star QBee in DeeCee since Sonny Jurgensen.

Let’s just forget that Sonny never won a title and that Joe Gibbs won three Super Bowl™ titles with average QB play, monstrous offensive lines, punishing one-cut power running games, and talented wide receiver corps. Snyder wants The Precious. HE NEEDZ THE PRECIOUS.


Stupid, fat hobbitses :(


  1. This is freakin stupid. The skins and cowboys the only ones who did this? Please. Cause Julies Peppers was really worth $35 million in 2010. And Crabtree was certainly worth 2x the money in 2010 than any other year of his contract. It’s BS.

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