Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more…]

Occupy Easy Street: Week 11 NFL Picks

Happy Thursday, degenerates. You’ve almost made it to the weekend. And as much as I know you’d just looooooove to read about my Montana Grizzlies taking on the suddenly #1 ranked Montana State Bobcats this weekend, we just don’t have time to get into the 111th meeting between these two titans, so let’s get right to it.

Picks in bold.

Thursday Night Special
New York Jets (-6.5) at Denver
Man, six and a half is a lot of points, but let’s be honest here: If Rex Ryan isn’t supremely prepared for Tim Tebow’s idiotic “shotgun snap, run into the back of his guard” offense, he should probably go back to making foot fetish porn. Fact is, Ryan’s book on coaching defense dedicates an entire chapter to defending the option play. And since that’s the only thing Tebow is capable of running, I don’t anticipate a good result. Over/under is set at 40, and I’d bang the under like this one girl I used to bang a lot. Between the Tebow Shit Show and Mark Sanchez missing receivers by a mile, we may very well see two completions — total — between the teams this week.
I also wanted to add that while I think Tim Tebow’s inability to run a pro-style offense is atrocious, and while I believe he’s only useful running the option — and I’m right on both counts, by the way — I don’t have anything against him personally. I’ve been called a “hater” by many because of my opinion, but as a Bronco fan, would I not benefit from Tebow proving me wrong? I just don’t think he will, because I don’t think he can, because he’s not good at the one thing that is required from an NFL quarterback.

(-6) at Tennessee
Again, a lot of points. Again, Tennessee doesn’t have a shot. Atlanta’s angry coming off that overtime loss to New Orleans, and they’re not about to let Matt Hasselback get the better of them.

Buffalo (+2) at Miami
I couldn’t believe the Bills were being so disrespected by the oddsmakers to be dogs on the road against a terrible Miami team. When in doubt, check to see if Tim Tebow has ever beaten the team in question. Four weeks ago, he did just that to the Dolphins. Bills are the pick.

Cincinnati (+7) at Baltimore
Is star rookie wideout AJ Green going to suit up this week for Cincy? In trying to find out, I did an exhaustive (read: 3 seconds) Google search on “Bengals week 11 injuries” and ended up at the Bleacher Report. Now I’m not one to tell you what to do, but if you’re regularly reading the tripe on BleacherReport.com, you should probably stop what you’re doing and just go ahead and kill yourself. Be sure to leave a nice note.

Jacksonville (PK) at Cleveland
/fart noise
This was tough to pick. I mean, you’ve got a shitty, experienced quarterback lacing up for the Factory of Sadness Brownstains going against a shitty, inexperienced quarterback dressing for the South Georgia Meth Lab Jagwads. I guess I’ll take the shitty quarterback playing at home.
By the way, if you live in the viewing area for this game, I feel very, very sorry for you. Go to the bar and watch real football teams play real football. Or stay at home and self-mutilate. Your choice.

Oakland (-1) at Minnesota
I wouldn’t pick Oakland for much outside of a firing squad, but here we are. This is what you’ve been reduced to, Vikings. Proper punishment for employing Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb in successive years.

Carolina (+7) at Detroit
Detroit’s about to go on a run. Three of their next four are at home, and their lone road game during that stretch is with the very-beatable Saints and their suspect pass defense. Lions, big.

Tampa Bay (+14) at Green Bay
Last time Green Bay was a 14 point favorite after midseason, this happened:
And then this happened:
Not anticipating anything similar this weekend. Sorry, Tampa. You suck again.

Dallas (-7.5) at Washington
Remember week 3? Me either, as my brain is clogged with 32 years worth of malted hops and bong resin, so let’s refresh your (read: my) memory: The Redskins were a big story in the league with their Rex Grossman-led offense and their 2-0 record. Mike Shanahan was being celebrated by Redskins fans (like The Bunk) for his Shanaplan, impressive running game and passable quarterback play. Since the Skeeeeeeeins lost that game, Cooch Shanaplan has gone 1-5, and everything sucks again in the Beltway.
                                   Oooh, I’m gonna poop in that helmet when everyone leaves.

The Cowboys, even taking into account the Tony Romo being awful effect, should cover easily. Because the Redskins are awful at football. But they’re good at being casually racist.

Arizona (+9.5) at San Francisco
As the kids are saying, “LOL.”

Seattle (+1.5) at St. Louis
Seattle is a cooler city. Both teams suck, and I was tempted to take St. Louis at home given that they employ noted Tebow-hater Brandon Lloyd. However, they also employ noted moron Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator, which is enough for me to pick against them until the end of time. For no reason, here’s a picture of McDaniels at his introductory Broncos press conference:

San Diego (+3.5) at Chicago
When in doubt, remember that Philip Rivers, no matter how poorly he’s playing going into a game, has always and will always own Jay Cutler’s pouting ass. Rivers will laserfloat the Bolts to a victory, helped by Frown Cannon’s six interceptions. Gonna be epic, brah.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at New York Giants
This was going to be the week that the Eagles got off the schneid, but with Vick out … /sad trombone … and Vince Young likely to start … /SAD TROMBONE … Vince, don’t give up on your suicide. See that thing through.

Monday Night
Kansas City (+14.5) at New England
Excuse me, but if Timothy Richard Tebow did what he did against Kansas City, Tom Brady is about to run a train on these fools. The Todd Haley Firing Clock is about 3 minutes from going off. Don’t be surprised if he gets canned at halftime.
Oh, AND Matt Cassel met Von Miller this week, so he spent most of his Sunday looking like this…

I wonder if he’ll cry himself to sleep in a pile of 60 million dollar bills. That’s what I’d do.

Enjoy the games, you ungrateful snobs. And remember, if she doesn’t find you handsome, she should at least find you handy.

%d bloggers like this: