Mitt Romney To Debut New Operating System at Presidential Debate Wednesday

(DENVER) – When former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney takes the stage at the University of Denver this evening for the first of three debates with incumbent president Barack Obama, he won’t just have flagging poll numbers on his mind, he’ll have a new mind altogether.

After a recent series of excruciating gaffes and awkwardly timed “ha ha ha”s, concerned technical advisors to the Romney campaign discovered a fatal glitch in the empathetic modular programming within the GOP nominee’s proprietary neural network. According to several sources, senior campaign staff hastily convened a stress test of Romney’s silicone brain and determined that the candidate’s entire operating system was unstable and risked catastrophic failure if Romney was presented with a substantive question or other challenge to his pre-programmed talking points. [Read more…]

A Modest Proposal to Safeguard the American Public, Brought to You by General Dynamics®

Dear Washington, D.C. Area MetroRail Commuters,

In light of the fact that ten thousand Americans are killed annually by guns, and moved to action by the appalling violence recently perpetrated against the people of Aurora, Colorado, the Board of Directors of General Dynamics Land Systems®, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the General Dynamics Corporation, has decided to engage Congress in a grassroots effort to safeguard the American People from further bloodshed.

To have an informed discussion regarding the safety of average Americans on our streets, we all need to acknowledge the following facts, some of which may be unpleasant: [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: