Fappin’ in the First: Magic Sam’s Mock Draft

I hate to distract from the simply marvelous other football soccer coverage on this here magazine, but… you guys… The NFL Draft is tonight. Holy shit, you guys, I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write something about one of the greatest spectacles in sports and/or the longest-running violation of American Anti-Trust law. It’s going to be an epic night.

The lights! The cameras! Chris Berman sweating profusely! Mel Kiper’s hair! Mike Mayock’s bizarre-ass, barely-audible-but-that-almost-makes-it-worse-because-is-he-or-isn’t-he lisp! Suits with 12 buttons! Suits with 15 buttons! Merrill Hoge and his Octuple Windsor knot tie! Suzy Kolber (I would hit it)! This chick! (Call me!)

Your intrepid correspondents will be viewing the first round tonight (which is simulcast on both ESPN and NFL Network, and probably on a Spanish language station too; I’m lazy and RAYCESS, so I won’t be providing that information. ¡Arriba!) at the home of one Vincent Casablancas, who in addition to writing strong takes about your Colorado Rockies, has a home properly set up for drinking and viewing television on Denver’s north side.

On the menu: Magic Sam’s Magic Ribs, simmering as I type this in a crock pot of their own juices, various accoutrements and barbecue sauce. For FREEDOM®. Garlic toast, beans and beer will also make an appearance. Gonna be sexy.

But you’re not here to be turned into a drooling mess at your desk by my domesticated prowess in the kitchen (if I could be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, I would. Sadly I’m forced to wear shoes at all times. Something something TERRORISM). You’re here to talk football.

So let’s get our sexy on. Presenting the first three rounds of Broncos Draft Picks, 2012: [Read more…]

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