Why I Am Leaving the Denver Broncos

(Tim Tebow sits, alone in a dark room somewhere in the bowels of the Denver Broncos’ Dove Valley complex, typing on a laptop.)

He reads aloud:
“By Timothy R. Tebow

Today is my last day with the Denver Broncos Football Club. After three full years — having given up my youth and loaned the organization my exceptional ball-carrying skill — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can say that the atmosphere is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, John Elway is a poo poo head and likes every other quarterback more than he likes me. That’s not fair; I love Jesus, and I love the Lord. So what if I can’t throw a timing route? So what if I get nervous and soil myself in the pocket? I should be the starter, because the God-fearing people of Denver like ME best. Think you’re going to sell as many jerseys with that fetushead under center? No way. I’ve got muscles and a scruffy apostle beard and kung-fu grip. He’s got a receding hairline and is a total jerky jerk for trying to take my job in the first place.

Mr. Elway has made his choice quite clear. So, as of right now, I’m resigning my post as Quartered Back of the Denver Broncos.”

/printing press flies open [Read more…]

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