Morning Wood: Rhode Island is a Myth, like Canada and Jesus

The Bunk’s summer cottage in New Port, Rhode Island

By the time you read this, your faithful correspondent will be en route to the scenic Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, a small patch of land approximately one third the size of Weld County, Colorado, but with two United States Senators, ahahaha suckas!

Did You Know?™: Rhode Island was founded by the English theologian Roger Williams in the Year of Our Tebow 1636 as a safe haven from the tyrannical Pilgrims of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Contrary to modern folk history, the Pilgrims were a sort of Al Qaeda with buckled shoes and silly hats and were expelled from England for being an enormous pain in everyone’s ass. If only someone with magickal powers (Barack Obama?) could fly back in time to warn the Wampanoag of the Pilgrims’ treachery, the world would be a better place today. Sort of like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, except this time Skynet succeeds in killing John Connor.

In my absence, the reins of this journalistic enterprise will be in the safe hands of Magic Sam until Monday. In the meantime, I will be too busy gorging myself on Dunkin Donuts, Coffee Milk, Del’s Lemonade, and Italian-American women of questionable legal ages to contribute to your enlightenment in the methods of Marxist dick jokery.

Peace out and enjoy some links, you indentured servants of crass commercialism.
[Read more…]


Morning Wood: Insomnia Edition

Oh hai!

Your correspondent is not in a mood to share this morning, his sleep having been burned at both ends by a late co-ed recreational soccer game and a cat possessed by Satan, respectively.

Here is what you should read this morning before resuming your daily toil.  [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: