The Friend Zone: How the Hairy Man-Baby Can Help Get You Laid

With apologies to Maruice Sendak. My cursor did this against my will.

My Dear Gentlemen,

I’m going to say something that might make your skin crawl. Ready? I had weird baby dreams last night. Considering how well you understand the crazy woman you’re either currently dating or your “bro’s” dating, this will probably be helpful, so “bear” with me. (Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.) You still there? Good.

Context: I’m a 30-something single chick. Baby dreams should be a dead give away for that one, but in case you’re thick, which we’ve already established, I thought I’d just spell it out for you. And if you’re a single straight dude brave enough to date a 30-something, that…”Why the fuck is this woman crazy?” question has certainly crossed your mind sometime this week. So I’ll tell you about this dream. Then we’ll analyze it, pull all it’s little hairs off and give you a rare glimpse into the not-so-crazy-30-brain. Then you’re going to use this information for the good of womankind. Cool?

Okay, dream goes like this: [Read more…]

Just Livin’ the Dream, Bro

OH HEY, happy Monday you no-talent ass clowns!

Do you remember your dreams? Your correspondent rarely does unless they are especially annoying or terrifying, like being sentenced to hard labor on Newt Gingrich’s moon colony, mining precious stones to make trinkets for his Aryan wife of the week. I’m sure I deserve it for something I’ve done in life.

The dreams I tend to remember are in a class I call “frustrated athlete” dreams. At the beginning of ski season I find myself driving up to the base of the mountain, looking forward to a great day ripping through the trees with my harem of ski bunnies. This should be outlandish enough to wake me immediately, but the iron laws of logic, probability, and physics become mere suggestions in the dream state. Case in point: I keep pinching myself / stabbing myself in the face with a red-hot retractable pencil, and after three years America still has a black president. THAT DON’T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE! [Read more…]

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